Journey to Nothing

[LastThursday]

Why are so many men dickheads?

I suppose I should qualify my passive aggressiveness. Firstly, there seems to be a large imbalance between men and women, yes some women can be dicks, but definitely it applies to men more than women. Secondly, the quality of dickishness is different between men and women. Lastly, the clue is in the word: dick. Not all mean are dicks, the vast majority are not. But some do let the side down.

Typical dickish behaviours in men are (this is my experience your mileage may vary):

• Verbal and physical aggression
• Not backing down
• Bullying and harassment
• Oneupmanship
• Dismissing, not listening, being "right"
• Lacking empathy

The last in that list I find interesting. A lot of males are socialised away from being empathetic towards others. This happens because males are often taught to be disconnected from their own emotions. And by disconnected I mean not that males don't feel emotions, they certainly do, but that they aren't taught to interpret and sit with those emotions. Instead, they are taught to dismiss emotions and use rationality to explain difficult things. This often results in an immature and stunted EQ. 

How is it you can be empathetic to others when you yourself are not empathetic to your own emotions? You can't. A lot of men will dismiss even talk of emotions as not being in their realm, it is for women to deal with, and indeed a lot of men offload that responsibility on to their partners or mothers. 

A lot of men will feel deeply awkward or uncomfortable of going anywhere near talking about emotions. Even for me to simply acknowledge some of my male friends' problems and offering my empathy and help is awkward for them. Why for god's sakes?

Being a dickhead is not a male trait, it is the trait of someone disconnected from their and others' emotions; and their inability to inhabit the world of others.

I see a lot of dickishness on this forum and IRL, and it makes me sad. I feel like fighting it but it's pointless, but I understand its source. If only some men would just man-up!

Edited October 13 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I'm very wordy lately. It's like the tide coming back in. 

In my magical workings so far these things have come up:

There's mostly a sense of loss as things stand and my current state is one of grieving. Some of the things which made me "me" eroded away over time. I can see the arc of that erosion in hindsight and it was mostly an organic natural process both in my control and out of my control. I think I can and should regain some of those qualities: energy, flirtatiousness (interest), creativity, love of people, humour, optmisism. My grief is making me withdrawn and inactive. There are many other qualities I feel like regaining.

There are some things I should shed. I have an inherent almost neurotic neediness to be seen and heard. Being seen instead should just be a natural consequence of those qualities I need to regain - i.e. the motivation for being seen is different, no neuroticism.

There is also a strong sense in which I don't feel worthy enough. What is strange for me is that this is at odds with my defiant sense of sovereignty. It's like deep down I'm aware of my inherent self-worth and always have been, but I doubt myself for expressing that with others. I need to shed that doubt.

A more difficult thing for me is to have greater discernment in my relationships. I have tended to drift in and out of relationships (all types) very organically. Whilst on the surface that may seem like an ok way to go about things, it has meant that I've fallen into some very dysfunctional relationships. I think I learned to tolerate dysfunctionality and become blind to it from my parents ultimately: they were not bad people, but they were/are very dysfunctional people each in their own different ways. Some of my romantic relationships were dysfunctional in hindsight and yet I continued with them for years. I suspect I'm tolerant of it because some part of me believes I too am dysfunctional and am drawn to it naturally. I will need to be more ruthless about this in future: don't get into dysfunctional relationships, and if I do without realising, don't drag them out. What is dysfunctional in this case? Many things, but primarily lack of openness, bad communication or lack of it, mismatch in needs, aspirations or style (a bit more woolly that one). But also I need to shed this idea that I am dysfunctional at core, I'm not, and the pretence that a beggar can't be a chooser. That is what the Death stage is for in my rituals however: shedding.

It's not all bad though. I have managed to keep my intelligence, general openness, and some of my good humour, all high on my list of values. And, my incessant knowledge that through constant change I can become the person I always wanted to be. I have stagnated for far too long.

 

[LastThursday]

I continue The Process, as I'm calling it. Whilst I've barred myself from documenting the mechanics of it, I'm bending my rules slightly by documenting some of the things that have come up - more as a means of keeping the record. Today it's getting older.

Consolidation

I've identified what I like to call The Spark. This is what makes me me and there is a sense in which this spark is the one and only constant in my life. I had it when I was a six year old, a nineteen year old, and now a nearly fifty four year old. 

I'm obsessed with age and mostly the consequences of it. I think I inherited this obsession from my mother who would very often reiterate that she still looked young. To her it was a kind of death to be old. Her outlook was understandable to me because her identity was based in both being a mother and being attractive; she was a peacock (I know wrong sex). She always did her hair, plucked her eyebrows and wore make up even into her seventies, she was very proud of her appearance, unlike her more sloppy son. However, there was no denying that she looked old eventually, and she knew it, but would still fight it.

My Spark is an ineffable indivisible point residing nowhere in particular. It seems to be aloof and detached from the workings of the real world where entropy and destruction and death are rife. More than anything in my life that thing has retarded my ageing process. I've come to realise that even if The Spark is detached it is not a passive observer. It modulates my very being in subtle ways. Like my mother I never thought I would get old. I'm watching myself age in real time and it's distressing.

I've had many people tell me that I'm young in presentation. My barber thought I was 35, my uncle was surprised when I told him my age (although he should know better, bad uncle!), an ex thought I was under forty when I was 45 (I could see the disappointment lol), my nephew is surprised at how young I am compared to his 55-year-old father. Much like a beautiful woman gets indirect feedback about her beauty, I have to accept the feedback of people around me: I am young still.

But I know why I'm young still. Because I've actively worked at staying that way mentally. I have matured in every way and yet I can still pull out youthful energy and excitement when I want to and I'm allowed to. In fact some of the misery I'm wallowing in is that that youthful side of me is not allowed out any more, I'm supposed behave like a wrinkly 53 year old. No. No. And NO! I won't allow it. 

It is that Spark that has kept me youthful. I've always been very aware of it and it often pulls me back to being a kid and young again. I'm blessed with a very good visual memory and many of my memories of being very young are still there. I believe every time I go back there my physiology responds accordingly retarding the ageing process, if not physically, then mentally and in appearance. My whole life is compressed and scrunched up into that Spark and I feel the entire weight of it at once. I feel that if I at once stopped identifying with it I would suddenly become old and rigid.

What to do though? 

If I am to change through The Process then should I be consciously dicking around with that idea of youth? To some degree youthfulness is immaturity, and as much as I hate to admit it to myself I am immature in some ways for precisely the same reason I am still youthful in some ways - the two are causally connected. 

Is it maturity I want? Do I need to disconnect myself from youthfulness in order to progress? Does a drug addict need to give up coke to move on? Maybe that's an unfair characterisation of myself. But there is a kind of fear of age and a fear of loss of youth that I'm addicted to. 

Should I be playing around with my Spark at all in this process? I need to go through death but how much needs to die? The issue is one of holding on to things that don't serve me any more. But the weight of that Spark holds on to everything at once, something needs to give somewhere in order that something else better can replace it. It's an extremely delicate process of cutting where every thread joins on to every other thread - and maybe it's actually impossible to do without collapsing the whole thing. What to do? Do I remove the Spark entirely.

 

Edited October 15 by LastThursday
typos and elaboration

[LastThursday]

I carry on working on The Process daily. I entered the Death phase on Friday and there was a certain intensity to it. The weekend I kind of felt deflated and hollow, like all that energy had got to head and then vanished. The character of the work changed completely on the Saturday too. This phase is more about protecting and clearing a path for myself. I'm feeling a mix of emotions, excitement, sadness, scepticism. Something has definitely shifted but I'm going to let it sit until it resolves itself.

 

[LastThursday]

I'm feeling somewhat more chipper today, which is pleasant, unlike the weather which is not. Autumn can go do one.

My friend R is excited about finally getting his idea off the ground. His website is live and he's sending out high school maths questions via email. He's got some sort of subscription service going. It's taken him about a month of work on his part, which is actually pretty good going, he's excited about it. 

I continue to work on my app, but in my typical style I'm very stop start about it. I've always worked in spurts, my brain just isn't designed to stay on one thing for weeks on end. Saying that the app itself is not far off, another few days of concerted effort. But I have to jump through Google Play's ridiculous hurdles. The app's website is also nearly done, since GP require that you have a privacy policy on a website (FFS). I also need to get twelve testers for my app that will open it daily for 14 days straight. That is quite a tall order since particularly it's a UK based hiking app and I don't know 12 people with Android phones. However, there are services (paid) for that sort of thing. However, I'm unemployed and loath to spend any more than I have to.

My friend P is also working on a project! He's a board game fanatic, and is designing a brand new game with many intricate parts to it. I and R keep goading him to let us play his damn game, but he just keeps saying "It's not ready yet" lol. It would be excellent if he can finish it and get at least a professional working prototype made up - and so that we can play it. He intends to release it commercially. No doubt he'll need a website.

[LastThursday]

Today I will try and work more on the physical side of things in The Process (it should be in big flashing red lights). So far everything has been about my psyche and the more psychological side of things: my internal state affects my behaviour and physiology. There are some physical bodily things that I would like to clear, and so today is the day. I am more sceptical about this the psyche is more malleable than material reality. Although, I've always been of the opinion that you don't know until you try, my mind is open. I'll continue in the same vein that I have been. This Death phase has been a lot less intense than the Consolidation phase and somewhat more scrappy and disorganised - there is something to be said for planning. Saying that this more right-brained way of doing things is less to do with organisation and more to do with story and narrative. Plenty of things have come up for the next phase of Opening, so I may try and organise my thoughts prior so I can be a bit more focussed in that phase, just a general framework. I feel that the Consolidation phase was more powerful for having been a bit more organised.

The overarching theme of the whole thing is to propel myself out of this rut I find myself in. I realise the real stumbling block is my own negative ideation and blockages accumulated over time. It's been very useful if nothing else to critically look at myself rather than my usual approach of intuition and feeling, I have been my own therapist.

Edited Thursday at 08:11 AM by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

A cute video about AI, written entirely by AI:

I love the first husband joke.

[LastThursday]

I don't know who's going to read this. I was just reading reading the Emerald farewell post. The divide is clear, there are all the people who wished her well and appreciated her, and then the rest. I do wonder if half the male members here have been lobotomised. I've always felt injustice keenly having been on the receiving end of it many times and Emerald's post makes me sad for the forum. As well as being respectful and acknowledging her love for the forum by saying goodbye like any normal human would, she's also showing love by exposing the problems of the forum: she wants the best for it.

Why didn't I put this in the thread itself? Because it would have been pointless.

I spend a lot of time here and like anything you spend a lot of time with, you want the best for it, you want it to flourish. The cold logical side of me just sees the problems as a systemic issue: 1) People come and go regularly so there is no constant baseline, 2) The lowest common denominator wins, 3) The demographic is strongly biased towards young (American) males, 4) Anonymity encourages bad behaviour. If you got us altogether IRL in a room, yes there would be friction, but you could be guaranteed it would be more respectful and peaceful and productive.

The irony is that this forum is about actualisation and improving yourself as a human. And yet, a lot of the (regular and longish term) members are behaving like brain-dead morons who have no intention of actualising themselves. What they also miss, is that to actualise themselves they must also engage with other people honestly and help them actualise too. I'm no angel myself and things can get the better of me, but I always try and respect others, try and see their point of view fairly, and be curious about them. And I want to spend time with people who are similar, people who are actually interested in each other.

I think when I've said before that this place isn't for me, then it is precisely because most people on here are not interested in actualising, and are not interested in being respectful, and are not interested in others. I stay because I keep hoping that I will get what I want from this place, there are so few places like this for a polymath like me. I want it to work. And the only way to make it work is be part of it! But I can hardly stomach the bullying and bad behaviour and injustice being piled on to certain members, and especially female members. And, nobody knows or wants to do anything about it, except shout "injustice!" or "don't be such a pussy", something needs to be done systemically but Leo really isn't interested, he actually likes the anything goes nature of it. The answer for me is simple however, I can walk away and I may just do that without the fanfare, it will have run its course.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@LastThursday We share many perspectives even though our geographic and cultural environments are distinctly different. I feel a warm, stage yellow kinship with Emerald and you as well, even though we haven't communicated a great deal. She has surpassed me and increased my understanding of Jungian perspectives in her paraphrasing and stepping down of his material. I keep this forum at arm's length for a few reasons....  Her absence will be a felt. She deserves a break from the passive aggressiveness that seems to be inherent in an environment plagued by toxic masculinity and varying levels of spiritual materialism.

I have a degree of hope. Over time,,,, things change.

[LastThursday]

@Zigzag Idiot thank you for your kind words and optimism. I feel likewise a camaraderie with some of the members here, even if we don't communicate directly. I for one would very much enjoy hearing your ideas and knowledge more on the forum, but I respect any reasons you have for not doing so. Sometimes I just have to vent my frustrations - I don't know why I care so much, it's an online forum where people hardly know each other. Maybe it's because I experience the same bad behaviours in real life and it pisses me off to see it in a place that is supposed to be above that sort of thing.

Anyway, I'll go back to being my normal calm self soon enough. Thanks for listening.

 

[LastThursday]

The Process continues. I'm exploring switching things up with each phase to have clear demarcation, and I've had a transitioning ritual with each phase. So far I've stuck to exact seven day phases, so my mind has a clear and fixed boundary in mind as I go through things. I use a fairly fixed ritual for each phase as a familiar way to slide into it fairly easily.

I've tried both working with entities externally, but also with embodiment of some of those entities or a combination. With both though, there has been a fairly large amount of interaction with my internalities: body, spirit, mind etc. This work is about improving things for me so that makes sense to me. I do wonder if I should work with externalities though: my environment, where I live, what I do with myself and so on, who I chose to spend time and associate with and so on. It occurs to me now that maybe that's best left to the Rebirth phase. 

I'm definitely struggling at some kind of definiteness for this current Opening phase. I know the broad strokes, but the lack of a set of things with clear definition that I want to explore is taking the wind out of it. The broad strokes are connection, alignment, divinity, love, empathy and self-expression. Maybe the issue is more of overwhelm? All of those things are big areas for me and I could probably spend a week on each one! This is all experimental and I'm a complete rookie at this stuff, so spending the next six weeks on all that stuff would require serious commitment and goes against my original plan. I'll just have to give a day to each instead and just let this phase play out I think.

The real life consequences so far are that I'm finding that I'm being a bit more interactive with strangers, and my old curiosity about people is returning which is fun. I even flirted a bit with a waitress in a pub restaurant - she enjoyed the attention - I haven't done that in a very long time. Maybe my mojo will return in due course.

Edited 6 hours ago by LastThursday

[MuadDib]

https://youtu.be/l6ev1lGq0B4?si=o9fs6ta5Tuc23xgp

On 9/28/2026 at 0:17 AM, LastThursday said:

Damn you Zan Perrion. You may wear a costume, but I can sip coffee.

 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcoXU4SK0xW/