my dad has crazy anger issues

[iceprincess]

my dad is notorious for his anger issues. everyone in our family and our cultural community is well aware of how hot tempered he can be. he has never apologized for his anger and he thinks it is completely justified and that everyone else is the problem. in the shower, he wants all the shampoo bottles and soap on the upper right side corner. one time one of us forgot and left our shampoo on the upper left side corner and he flipped his shit and started screaming and draining all of our bottles into the toilet and flushing them down. that's just one example, i have way too many to count. i remember when i was 2 years old i was crying and fussing like a baby as any normal baby would and i remember he just erupted and was screaming and  kicking our computer and i remember  I had to apologize to him when i was legit a toddler. my point is how do i deal with him, i still have to live with my family for a few more years until i'm done school. i try to shut him out but then he also gets angry and makes me feel guilty that he works so hard for us and he's really lonely and super jealous of how close me and my sister are with our mom. he's not always so bad he has his good streaks but you just never know when it's all gonna go to shit again. i'm pretty sure he's the reason my mom is mentally ill. please give me some tips because i don't wanna succumb to his anger and make him take advantage of me but it seems that no matter what he's gonna erupt in flames again. i can't leave him either with my poor mother and sister, sometimes i wish they could get a divorce but we already can't support ourselves with my dad's income. please give me some reasonable advice thanks 

[Moon]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it sounds very extreme and I can't imagine how many inner struggles you guys must have gone through by being exposed to this toxic environment

My dad had some anger issues whilst I was growing up but nothing as bad as this and did often apologize- but he continues to be angry sometimes, especially to my mum- and she definitely has issues because of it, but I'm working on them with her (and hopefully I'll be able to speak to my dad about his soon) 

However, in your situation it just sounds like he would need professional help- but he doesn't sound like he wants to change. So if he doesn't, imo the best thing would be for the sake of you, your mum and sister would be for you guys to try to get financially independent from him or help from the government if possible? I'm not sure how much help you can get in Canada

Honestly, I don't know your full story but maybe your mum could try to work if she's able to? I know this can be difficult if she's always been dependent on her husband or he hasn't let her work or whatever. There's many free online courses and qualifications available online right now because of the COVID-19 situation- so maybe that could help her with getting certain jobs?

[coughie]

Well I have kinda same shit here! Try adding anger to your attitude! Draw boundaries for yourself and don't let him pass, if he does, get out of control on purpose! He should know that his actions have consequences and you being like him would awaken a sense of empathic understanding in him; analyze him carefully; let him know that you know what he's up to!
don't like to write you a recipe but this was my approach to this problem and it might suck for other people =))

[iceprincess]

@coughie yeah i've been thinking about this approach for awhile. i already sometimes try to get really angry on purpose so that he's scared around me and that usually works for awhile until i get nice again but it just seems top hypocritical to deal with him the same way he would deal with the rest of us, by showing anger and igniting fear in the rest of us. i dont always wanna fight fire with fire but for now it has sure helped. he told my mom he's scared to say anything to me even though i don't react the way he does i just raise my voice and act very annoyed i dont throw things around. i can't believe he can't connect the dots that the way he is sometimes scared to make me mad is how the rest of us feel x43834384

[iceprincess]

@Moon yes definitely we need to find a way to be financially independant. the government can help us to some extent but my mom has a variant of  schizophrenia and she is incapable of working long hours so being financially independant sounds like a pipe dream right now especially because i'm in university and a few years later my sister will be in univeristy as well. although our student loans cover everything. also the fact is divorce is extremely frowned upon in my culture it almost rarely happens. my mom says she's gonna leave him a million times but she is too scared to leave him and face society this way and fend for herself and tbh she just doesn't have that strength mentally or physically. my ultimate dream is to make a steady income by myelf and just send them both off to their families back in asia, that way they can grow old peacefully without eachother and with their loved ones. i would hate for both of my parents to have to live with eachother for another 30 years