The Wall

[Preety_India]

My attempts will just not work how much ever I try. 

It will take me back to the same hole that I'm desperately fighting. 

Whats the point? 

 

Preety, it won't 

 

 

[Preety_India]

You will have to put an end to all the circus in your head. 

It literally is a collapse. 

A self destructive way 

I'm so fed up. 

I just want to shut inside myself even more. It doesn't feel right. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

This is like a wall I keep banging on and it won't move 

Sometimes I think? 

"is positivity a trap?" 

Is it dragging me further down the hole? 

Yesterday I did something astonishing. Something against my character 

It's like a devil came inside me. I was acting crazy. But it set me free. 

I have come to appreciate evil. I have understood that evil is not just evil. 

What we think of the world of good versus evil is not as childish and simple as it looks. 

This labyrinth of the world is more complex than you think. 

Like Leo says 

Good and evil are parts of the same. 

I have learned from my experiences that evil has a role to play. 

That only good cannot exist on its own in this world. That survival won't be possible only with good.. It's a complex maze. Good and evil are states of mind. 

Sometimes I think there are a lot of gray areas. I try to think about myself as though I'm sitting in a chair across a psychologist and looking through the glass panes all around the office. I can see cars, trees, people. Around me are so many chairs, all empty. Feel so lonely. Am the only one? 

Am I too good to be true? I ask myself. And the subconscious answer is yes. Living like a Cinderella doesn't help. It's almost as though I will need to force myself to just be this evil person that I don't want to be. Is being a good person a bad thing? Then why do I feel so weak? Has moralizing ourselves through culture and religion actually tamed us so much that we have become the weakest versions of ourselves. Maybe this is the result of years and years and centuries of social conditioning through religion. That we are afraid of ourselves. Afraid of who we can be. Afraid of being evil. Afraid of trying evil. Afraid of being a bad person,not only afraid of judgement, but maybe afraid of being judged by God, afraid of going against those centuries of social conditioning. The need to always present oneself as a good person. The subconscious way of being a good person because then it takes away any form of guilt. Maybe we are not what we pretend to be. Maybe we're not what we are supposed to be. Or maybe we should not be what we are trying to be. Is this a rabbit hole? 

 

My mind rambles on and on.. 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I feel like we are living in this illusory reality.. And all sorts of disconnected ideas are floating through my head space all at once. 

On this plane, I see different zones. Like pockets on a matrix. 

The good zone, the bad zone, the middle zone, the zone within the bad zone which is good. 

Scattered zones. 

I feel like reality is complex. These complexities cannot be understood by a single mind. It cannot be understood by a mind that is conditioned to think a certain way. 

Can we just be bad if we want to be bad? 

Does evil deserve the Demonization it gets? 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't think life can be lived with black and white thinking. However some people like to stay stuck within that zone and defend it lifelong. 

To me life is a mystery. Mind over matter. 

Sometimes I feel that people are like entities floating through space. And all of these entities are just pieces of each other scattered through time and space and when you explore each entity, you're exploring a lost version of yourself, even something that you might call ugly is a part of yourself. The parts that you don't integrate. In a sense we are whole. A whole made of parts. So when I look at people, sometimes I think I'm looking at myself within them and them within me. A part of us is always within others if we try a little harder to look.

We're just recyclings of each other. 

 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I'm studying religions and these religions tremendously help me in expanding my awareness of human knowledge. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm a deeply emotional person and I don't want to be fucked up. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So trying to collect myself together. 

Things are back to me feeling good 

But i Still have a long way to go. Waiting for the coucal. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's so breezy and windy today. Hope it's not the same hurricane like weather which was a few days ago. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Romance is a mystery 

A mystery that never dies. 

[Preety_India]

I wanted him to look into my eyes and I wanted him to grab me. He makes me happy. When he is with me, I can't resist. He has me in his arms. 

He is simply irresistible. 

So despite efforts to resist him, I still give in.. 

 

[DrewNows]

18 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Romance is a mystery 

A mystery that never dies. 

interesting. reminds me of the Babe Ruth quote 'Heroes get remembered, but legends never die' 

So i guess romance is a tall tale legend

To cultivate my romantic side requires an extreme amount of courage, the crippling kind that sends the psyche over the edge

You scared?

"Im terrified, petrified, mortified stupefied by you"  

 

Edited July 8, 2020 by DrewNows

[Preety_India]

31 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

To cultivate my romantic side

That's what killed the romance. Those words. Exactly those words. Facepalm. 

Puberty was never cultivated. 

It came like a cloud. It went like a wind.. 

And took with it a boat carrying the lovers to the moon. 

Romance is crazy sexy stupid.... It happened when a girl lost her heart to the prince at the ball!! 

The Frog Prince. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My twin flame is a prince. The Frog Prince 

 

If I thought for just one moment that this would be my last breath,
I'd tell you I'll love you forever, even beyond death.
If I thought for just one moment that your face would be the last I'd see,
I'd take a million pictures and save them just for me.

 

[Preety_India]

 

Love letters I wrote to my boyfriend 

 

Dear Andrew 

You're the love of my life. 

Without you, my life is barren 

You fill my spirit, I would die without you 

In your eyes, I see myself

In your heart is my happiness 

In your arms I find peace 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Drunk in love 

You and me alone
Madness of world locked away
Peace and quiet reigns

 

[Preety_India]

 

I know you are drawing me toward you. 

This body is yours  and you put a spell on me.. 

Now I fell in love with the "shape of you." 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Back in those days, during my early years of relationships, I used to listen to many songs that would make me feel romantic and wanting love. 

I was such a lovesick puppy. 

These were those songs. They still make me feel romantic 

 

They are deep even if they sound frivolous. 

Fancy was my favorite hit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a mad fan of Savage 

 

 

[DrewNows]

@Preety_India ??? ?
you’re very sweet. So weird my mom is naturally very expressive with love but I’ve never seen her be creative as in making poems. (She’s a Pisces too) 

that word “cultivate” can be used in different ways, so like energy cultivation is based in meditation, manifestation is cultivating an opportunity of desire 

also to cultivate as you say as being a defining sequence of mental patterns or something lol

Edited July 8, 2020 by DrewNows