Matt23

Most anger I've ever expressed : Anger = Vulnerability

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In one of Peter Ralston's videos, he discussed how when people lie or be inauthentic, they do it for something, usually, insignificant or petty.  Tonight that really helped me summon the courage to confront a person and express my self-esteem and how I felt and what I needed.  Basically, to stand up for myself and get what I needed.  I managed to express a deep anger that I have been very afraid to show.  Remarkably, the anger wasn't what I noticed or felt most, it was a huge surge of vulnerability I've not felt often at all. 

Anger = Fragility/Vulnerability. 

I think what had always kept me from standing up for myself was the fear of conflict and of showing my hurt, injustice, etc..  That, if others saw I wasn't pleased with them, they'd see me as bad and perhaps leave me or not let me in on things and not be good to me/take care of me/be good to me.  That they'd do something bad to me/attack me or something.

I just said "Fuck it this time".  

Also, I recently watched a video of Brad Pitt saying, in his new movie, he focused on just being raw and honest.  And that being more honest is easier when you're older since you just "want to get on with it."

I also noticed there were times in the argument (my first real argument ever) where it seemed that I was really calm, and that this calmness was usually when I brought mindfulness to the vulnerable feeling and sort of got "one up" on it, or tried to remain as impartial and fair as possible.  Not feeding the vulnerable feeling.


"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"   --   Marry Poppins

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IME anger equals fear and ignorance. Today I got angry because the old lady jumped in front of me in the queue in the supermarket (fear of saying "wtf" + not understanding why person can do that).

Thanks for sharing your experience.  


You are addicted to alcohol? Yhym... Try quitting coffee.

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@Matt23 Nice insight. I’ve introspected similar. Anger can be a surface level cover over deeper insecurity, vulnerability, hurt and repressed feelings. For me, anger is usually tied me perceiving an injustice. For example, someone mistreating me or another. Anger can also be directed at myself. Perhaps have been engaging in unhealthy habits and I feel anger toward myself. 

Getting to the source of the anger is important, yet also how I express it. When I feel angry, do I repress it? Am I blaming others? Do I internalize it? Do I lash out at others? Do I say and do things I later regret? Am I passive aggressive to others? 

Anger can be a distraction to deeper issues. I dated a gal who got angry a lot - often over trivial things, like putting the soup bowls in the wrong cabinet. It wasn’t about the soup bowls, there was something deeper going on. Even suggesting something deeper was going on, got her really angry. 

Also, anger can form into resentment - which slowly eats away at a person’s mind, body and soul. Resentments can be carried for years or decades and alter the way one perceives reality. And repressed anger can block connecting to deeper aspects of ourselves. I was raised in an environment were anger was really bad. When my dad got angry, it was serious. The rest of the day, it was like walking on egg shells. There was an uncomfortable silence and no one wanted him to get set off again. Anger was something I avoided, in myself and others. However, there was a price to pay for that.

It seems anger generally can drift toward unhealthy behavior, yet it can also have a positive. Anger can be a signal to bring awareness. The body is trying to communicate something to us. It can be a motivating force to take action and speak our truth. Yet the mind can create all sorts of angry thought stories that can send us into a tizzy. When anger arises, I generally find it best to temporarily get away from the situation. Sometimes that is sufficient. Other times, it something that should be dealt with - for example if a coworker has been overbearing and disrupting the flow of a project. I find it helpful to step back and perhaps talk to another person about it. Not someone who will bash the guy and reinforce the anger. Someone with an impartial view. She may say “Hmmm, to me it sounds like the guy is insecure about his abilities on the team and is overcompensating by being hyper controlling”. This may provide insight and recontextualuze the situation.

I’ve also found how I express anger to be important. For example, I may get angry at a gf that is flirting with other guys. One way to express this anger would be passive aggressive, I could send her sarcastic texts or negatively gossip about the guy behind their backs. Or I could blame her and confront her with anger. . . . For me a better way would be to sit down with her and have a conversation. I’d tell her I’m feeling angry about her flirting and ask what’s going on. It could turn out that the anger is due to my p insecurities in the relationship. It could turn out that my gf was insecure and flirting with other guys to get me validation from me. Or perhaps she is losing interest in the relationship. Talking about this with another is a form of vulnerability because deeper layers are exposed.

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