Long-term, Codependent, addiction, psychopathology, standards

[ActuallyConfused]

This will be long but thank you for taking the time to read.

We're both 23, started dating in 2012, so over 7 years. daily weed smokers, but I talk about quitting almost daily, and we have quit in the past. I always seem to be the instigator of "getting sober". She feels like she can't quit "for herself", like I'm controlling. But, I've tried giving her support, I've tried talking about my experience, things that I learned through research. I tried giving her months at a time to find her own way of quitting, but I'm tired of sitting idle. When I build up the courage, I try to communicate how I feel about what I think my role in the relationship is, basically that we ought to look out for each other's health. Basically any time I talk about anything important or serious, it leads to arguments, flare-ups, and emotionally shutting down(on her part) and frustration(my part). I study philosophy and psychology, about to get both bachelor's degrees this coming semester. I love actualized.org, cuz it's where the wisdom is. But she'll never watch a single YouTube video I think would be super beneficial for her stress or anxiety or life in general. If she does, she's not interested or genuinely focused. She's afraid of learning, and she shuts down very easily.

My dad has gone to AA meetings for over 35+ years, primed me in a lot of ways for understanding addiction and it's flaws, but also probably made it a bigger issue in my life than it had to be. Ultimately, I still "became addicted" to marijuana. I try not to use victim mentality, I accept that I have a unique set of challenges ahead of me.

Her parents probably suffer from some pill addiction, but, there's also bouts of schizotypal behavior in her mom. Everyone thinks her mom has some degree of schizphrenia, which is very dysfunctional for the whole family. The mom always makes accusations of cheating, calling herself a whore, very inappropriate delusions. My girlfriend has a lot of fear of growing up like her mom, becoming crazy. My girlfriend dropped out of highschool, but got a GED. My dad tried to teach her how to drive, but they had little fender bender, and it's been really hard to get her to give it another chance. I get the sense that she is years behind me personal development-wise. But, dating her this long, I've always had a strong sense that she was different from her mom. If she could break out of her limiting beliefs, my girlfriend might be just a normal girl with little to worry about.

For years, and even to today, I've had the deep belief that once we sober up, things could get so much better. This is undoubtedly true, but, I've quit on my own several times before. It's the waiting around for her to quit in her time that seems to drive me up the wall. I quit vaping back in August, and I've tried various approaches to helping her realize how much better her life would be if she quit too.

She still has so much to learn, I don't know if my "helping" is robbing her of her own chance to learn through experience, or if I'm supposed to keep trying my best to help kickstart her personal development engine. All the struggle my dad went through to stop me from doing drugs never worked, so, why would it work when I try to do it, lol. Silly me. I truly feel like my most authentic self when I'm trying to inspire her to have a better vision for herself, but, she always detects that I have an "offensive tone", but, I think it's just a passionate tone. I've thought about recording a conversation, so I can hear myself, but she wouldn't approve. She's very defensive in nature, her home life was pretty chaotic so it makes sense, but, I'm not loud or chaotic like that at all. I'm authority to her, and I don't know how to reverse that. If I try to take 100% responsibility, her insecurities are still my problem to solve.

Also, there's supposed relationships between marijuana and schizophrenia specifically, so, it just seems extra wise for her to quit. But, she's worried about stress and how her Irritable Bowel Syndrome is going to react to quitting. We don't really go to doctors or dentists cuz we've been too lazy I guess. I do all the driving, and I deliver pizzas all weekend, so, I get burnt out about doing everything outside of the house without help.

I've always hoped that she'd one day experience some radical change, similar to how I've felt in my life, that gets her fully motivated to self actualize. I'm terrified of waiting forever, but, she's my best and only friend who knows so much about me. 8 years deep, we connect on a lot of levels. I'm not sure if they're all superficial, I really feel like I love her, but most of my days feel wasted and it feels like I'm missing out on a better life.

Then I start thinking that, even if full blown schizophrenia were to develop in my girlfriend, I could try my best at navigating those waters.

So, ideas as to what my order of operations could be?

Discover my relationship standards, quit addiction to weed, quit addiction to my girlfriend, anything else? How to better figure out what I want? Do I quit the weed and let her continue to do drugs(weed) in my house when I try to quit, just trying to be a better version of myself?

Thanks, hope this helps someone else somehow too

[Meetjoeblack]

You just kind of got to take a step back. The same synergy that set things in motion can come undone just as easily. Food for thought. 

I went out with a girl. She randomly started smoking pot in between Netflix (&chill lulz). I asked her what was up. She said she was anxious. 

I just put my arm around her, asked why, and next thing you know, I am breaking her headboard lulz. I never saw her again. Life! 

Enjoy the ride. Sometimes, people hold on too long. I use to do that. Now, I just let things burn off. A lot of times, LTR can be a dumpster fire. People keep throwing crap on the fire to keep it going rather than moving forward. 

May its time to move on or maybe not. Only you can be the judge.