Would you consider this OCD?

[Dlavjr]

I'm aware that self-diagnosis is a stupid thing to do and that if I feel I need help I should go to a professional. I'm more so just looking for other opinions and maybe advice from those who also struggle with similar issues. I feel like I have OCD. My mother has always told me I had it, but I'm positive I never got properly diagnosed. When I was a kid, I had obsessive rituals like touching things a certain number of times, or if for example my knuckle grazed a table I felt the compulsive need to tap my knuckle until it felt right. I still have many strange rituals that I do, but I've repressed most of it. What I'm more concerned about is my overthinking. I dwell obsessively over meaningless thoughts. There are times, admittedly, where I have dark thoughts in which I play fucked up scenarios in my head. What if I was to murder somebody in a fit of rage? What if I was to rape somebody? What if I just randomly decide to kill myself? I know in my heart I would never do any of these things if I was faced with actually doing it, I just don't have it in me. But I obsess over the simple fact that I even had these thoughts, and it gets to a point where I've nearly convinced myself that I would. I've been afraid that I'd just compulsively kill myself before, even though again, if I was to point a gun to my head, I wouldn't have the balls. But I've convinced myself that I do. Please help me to shine light on this. I've begun meditating again and I'm now able to catch myself whereas I couldn't before, but are there any other possible solutions to this problem? I want to push therapy to a last resort just because it wouldn't be the easiest for me right now but if it comes down to it I would. Any advice would help, thank you

[Inliytened1]

@Dlavjr yeah it does sound like OCD.   You have to train yourself to go meta on the thoughts.  Be aware when a synthetic thought arises (in some circles obsessions are called synthetic thoughts) although truthfully all thoughts are synthetic.   But be able to identify this as OCD and then just let the thoughts go.  Notice that once you stop thinking these thoughts and think about something else it is like they never were thought.  Like they never existed.  Because they don't.  It may take a lot of training and repetitiveness but this should help a lot.   Don't allow the thoughts to make you feel bad or guilty either as they are illusory.

Edited October 26, 2019 by Inliytened1