Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

I HAVE DOGMAS IN COMPUTER PROGRAMMING

After working for more than a year in a big tech company I realized how far dogmatism can go. I was dogmatic on coding standards, indentation, and many things, and I criticized and was angry against other people for not respecting modern standards aka my way. I wanted them to code exactly like me, where coding is a highly personal thing, we actually can read into people minds by reading their code.

However, I still have a counter-argument which is that we naturally recognize talent and quality. Things don't have to be exactly identical, but at the same time quality works share many characteristics.

Nevertheless, no matter the quality, someone can be dogmatic. It's mostly about how we can see into other perspectives and the emotions we experience, dogmatic people who do high-quality work will feel negative emotions, non-dogmatic people who do high-quality work will feel positive emotions.

They are many things to say about this and I feel like I didn't develop enough here, I will maybe write about it later in the future.

[Raphael]

I'M MORE RESPECTFUL AND POLITE WITH ANONYMOUS PEOPLE THAN WITH MY FAMILY / CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships have always been hard, however, I made huge progress on my shyness and social anxiety in the last four years. I'm sometimes more able to share my thoughts with anonymous than my family. I don't have any expectations with strangers and I also look at them as replaceable listeners, I also don't feel any responsibility towards them. Some people in my family always want that I do things with them, I'm experiencing this as constraints, many times I feel like their unconsciously trying to take my freedom to be alone by myself. 

[Raphael]

I'M ANXIOUS WHEN SPEAKING TO MY PSYCHOLOGIST

I'm uncomfortable with my psychologist, I'm afraid to show all my dirty things. Many times I stutter when expressing myself, I tight my muscles and create resistance to protect myself. I also feel like we are not enough discussing my emotional issues, but spend too much time on other practical things. She takes initiative most of the time and I follow her, I feel like she doesn't listen enough, I think it will be better if I directly tell her what I want to speak about.

[Raphael]

CONSCIOUS OF MY ISSUES

I'm aware of my issues and this is good. This means I'm conscious enough to correct them, I'm still young and I see infinite growth possibilities. I see an incredible high-conscious self-actualized life for myself. The only thing to do now is to continue building my foundation by doing personal development work.

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 9/1/2019 at 9:21 AM, Raphael said:

I'M ANXIOUS WHEN SPEAKING TO MY PSYCHOLOGIST

I'm uncomfortable with my psychologist, I'm afraid to show all my dirty things. Many times I stutter when expressing myself, I tight my muscles and create resistance to protect myself. I also feel like we are not enough discussing my emotional issues, but spend too much time on other practical things. She takes initiative most of the time and I follow her, I feel like she doesn't listen enough, I think it will be better if I directly tell her what I want to speak about.

You may be able to relax and better communicate online with Emerald on some issues,,,,

Just a thought.

 

[Raphael]

@Zigzag Idiot

I didn't know that she was doing this. You're probably right, I also feel it will be better to work with a self-actualizing individual rather than a stage orange psychologist.

I still need time to think about it. Thanks for your proposition!

[Raphael]

TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

I'm too much tolerant of people and get fooled easily. I usually want to be a good person and help others, but I attract fools that take advantage of my empathy. I have been stolen multiple times in the past.

The last time was with a guy in his 30/40 who is the son of the owners of my current apartment. He still lives with its parents (which is quite normal in my country), I don't know if he has a job, but I often see him hanging out in the neighborhood with some friends. The first time he asked me for money, he gave it back pretty quickly, the second time he didn't give anything and kept saying for months that he was going to pay me back. I'm sure he had the money and he only needs to walk five minutes to find an ATM, he probably just wanted to take advantage of me. He lives under my place, I don't talk to him anymore. I just say hello when I see him, then I ignore him, he's not going to give back anything and he probably already forgotten everything.

There's no time to lose with this kind of people. I noticed that scammers create many stories and excuses to take advantages of others, where honest people who are really in distress just ask or sit without excuses. It's possible to feel their level of consciousness by paying attention to how they talk, how they move. I need to be more attentive to this when I get approached.

The last thing I noted in these situations is that social anxiety is also involved as I'm a little afraid to impose myself and say no to people who create heart bleeding stories.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

RESPECT FROM STAGE BLUE PERSPECTIVE

Respect is so important for stage blue because it's full of anxieties, traumas, and insecurities. Being respectful and polite comes at the cost of being honest, what's involved at this stage is neuroticism, the inability to love and accept other opinions, and the incapacity to take any criticism.

I've had many experiences of telling the truth directly and crudely to stage blue, but it always got back to my face. They don't even want to listen to what I say but are only pointing that I'm not respectful or polite. They are extremely reactive to bad words and things that are too direct.

Now when I try to share some opinions with them I make an effort on the tone and on being polite, so that we can focus on the content and they don't get distracted too much.

[Raphael]

POPE FRANCIS VISITED MY COUNTRY

Pope Francis visited my country on 9 September 2019 and he did a mass to which I assisted. I never thought someone like him would come here, in such a small country where Christians only represent 30-35 % of the population. I later learned that Jean-Paul II also came in 1989.

It's extremely rare when I go to religious festivities as I don't follow anything, but this time was pretty exceptional. I was happy and interestingly a little anxious about his visit before he passes right in front of me in his popemobile. The crowd was very huge, I literally never saw that much people in the street before, apparently they were one hundred thousand people going to the mass which represents 1/13 of the total country population. I personally doubt about it because of the available space, but it was still a lot of people.

The mass was awesome, they spoke in five different languages: French, Mauritian Creole, English, Italian, and even Hindi. Yes Hindi, in fact, a woman actually sung during the ceremony with Hindu music in the background. I was pretty impressed by the diversity in place, and, at one moment Muslims also started their prayer several hundred meters away and I was hearing very clearly 'Allahu akbar' during the mass.

The pope also spoke about the country peaceful climate where very diverse people can successfully live together, it's fast economic development, new challenges, the dangers of capitalism and modern slavery and how young people are the first victims.

I agreed on some points and I actually find remarkable that a fresh country like this who got its independence and was one of the poorest in the world in 1968 grow so fast that it's now considered one of the most developed countries of Africa. I'm so lucky that I was born here, it's not as developed as Europe and there are many rigid mindsets, but in some aspects, it feels better than Europe sometimes.

 

Edited September 19, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I'm wondering a lot about creating a practical journal for action taking and keeping this one for global insights and random stuff.

[Raphael]

Holotropic breathing is powerful

I did 45 minutes of meditation this morning and a little less of 30 minutes of holotropic breathing this afternoon. It felt more effective than regular meditation, I didn't have some incredible paranormal experience, but I experience a lot of tingling sensations in my forearms and hands. I also experience some back neck pain, it was like someone was pushing a finger in this area with force.

After getting up I felt light-headed and a little dizzy, I then sat down on my bed by precaution, it was a little better after some minutes. I felt very fresh and I was looking at everything as totally new without any judgment. I then went for a walk in a meditative state and was in admiration of the beauty of life and how peaceful and perfect everything seems to be besides what we would normally consider as imperfections.

I'm still a little in this state right now and I feel great.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Back home

I'm back in my family house today after quitting my job, I'm also still in the process of bootstrapping as a freelancer. They are many things to do here as the house is in a pretty bad state, I will take care of these as much as I can.

I learned that one of my favorite dogs had issues with his two kidneys, he didn't eat for four days and drink very little, he will probably pass away pretty soon. I didn't get very emotional even though I love this dog, I was more in a full acceptance state, I don't know how I will be when it will happen.

My parents are getting old are starting to experience some issues. My grandma is blind and her mental faculties are decreasing, she can't sustain herself correctly. My dad is experiencing a lot of muscular pain, in particular in his legs, he is pushing himself too much for his age. My mom is the one who is in the best shape, she only has some minor issues.

I think this is the time to integrate family values of stage blue. When I was a kid I didn't care about family but was only focused on myself, I didn't want to help them on anything but was only enjoying what they were doing for me. It's time to correct all this, to go from selfish to selfless, and build a useful infrastructure for my close relationships. No kid can grow without a minimum working environment, even though they were and still are many imperfections in my environment, I would be dead without my family. This is a stage blue aspect to appreciate as it is the foundation for the survival of every individual, and therefore, the human species as a whole.

The most difficult thing will be to handle to my dad, he is mostly at stage red/orange with some elements of blue and purple. I hated him most of my life, but he's doing the best that he can. Last year, I had my first panic attack in a thought storm about him, I was crippled with fear thinking about my dad. I'm more in an acceptance state right now even if negative thoughts can arrive, it happened yesterday and this morning. How I will handle him will show how much I grow during the last year. Spiritual work really helps with this, having a consistent meditation habit is very important. Pushing it to one hour per day will be one of my objectives for the next months, everything just goes better when I meditate in the morning, I must continue to do it.

Edited October 1, 2019 by Raphael

[Raphael]

My favorite dog died

It happened this morning, I thought it would happen today after looking at his state yesterday. I didn't get emotional, maybe because of my meditation practice and a year of social isolation, I mostly saw this as part of the circle of life. I didn't even view his corpse this morning as my dad who woke up before me immediately went to burry him without waiting for anyone. I wish I could see it one last time, but it was not possible. I remember his particularities, he was a very particular dog, sometimes he was sitting and contemplating the landscape, sometimes running on three legs because he was scratching himself with the fourth one. He was unique in his way.

Main lesson: Everything comes and goes, everything is in perpetual movement.

 

[Raphael]

Getting physical threats

I experienced physical threats for the first time in my life today.

I was walking with my dogs in the fields and sometimes they bark when they see other dogs or humans. For the dogs, I don't really understand why they bark or run after some of them and let others as they are, however, I feel I understand what's going on with humans. Dogs barks after low conscious human beings, because they feel their chemistry, they feel people's emotions and they feel anxieties, anger, fear, and a lot of nasty stuff.

Low conscious people are more prone to violence and dogs are able to see that, so they bark, run, or even attack. After a few years of only 30-45 minutes of daily meditation, I can also sense this. I can sense the level of consciousness of the people around me. When I'm with my dogs and see other people, I naturally know if my dogs are going to bark after them or run after them or let them as they are. Things are just obvious to me. And of course for the people to which it happens they react violently by chasing them with a stick, throwing rocks, or even trying to beat them. Of course, the consciousness level of the dog also matters, a low conscious dog will be more violent, where a high conscious one will be more loving. Mines are between the two.

To get back to the physical threats, I was walking with my dogs (they were free, without any leash), when I saw a dad holding another dog and his two children. As soon as I saw the dad (I felt the low consciousness), I knew they were going to bark at him and his dog. They were another space on the right of the men, I did some signs to tell him to go aside, I don't know if he understands it, in the end, he didn't do it and continue to walk with a big tree branch, looking down with an angry look. As soon as my dog barked, he violently gives him a stroke. I immediately started to interfere with him and tell him to stop. He told something like this: "WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY! THEY ARE KIDS THERE NEXT TIME USE A LEASH TO WALK YOUR DOGS!" I wanted to tell him that next time if it happens it would be better if he moves to an empty space (if there is one close enough) so that our dogs are distant enough, and also because it can happen with someone else, and he just cannot beat everyone dog like this, but he interrupts me: "NEXT TIME? WHAT NEXT TIME?". At the same time, my second dog calmly walked aside without barking nor running at anyone and he beat him with his stick. I wanted to communicate with, to share my perspective, but it was not possible, he finally told me the following: "NEXT TIME IF IT HAPPENS I WILL BEAT YOUR DOGS AND BEAT YOU TOO!!!". I choose to let it go and acquiesced with an OK, it was literally impossible to say anything at this point, he was probably at stage red, people at this developmental stage are dangerous, so it's better to let it go.

Main lesson: low consciousness attack low consciousness and violence

[Raphael]

Going practical

I'm going to create more journals here. Each one will be dedicated to a specific thing I want to improve. Being practical is something that I lack, many times I just ingurgitate theories and throw them outside without really embodying them, it's time to fix this.

[Raphael]

That girl at the supermarket

I easily spotted this girl. She looked like a mix between caucasian and asian, she had blonde hair, a thin waist and appeared to be pretty healthy at first look. I didn't talk to her, nor did she, she came close to me some times. At a moment she was near me and asked a question, I didn't know if it was directed to me as she was always talking to some other people that were accompanying her, so I ignored it. Maybe I should have asked her, but it's too late now. Nevertheless, what was more appealing to me was her energy and personality when she was talking, she sounds like a very genuine person. Maybe I should have tried to speak to her, but it's too late now, too bad.

Main lesson: Even after a few years of consciousness work, I'm still pretty shy and uncomfortable with women, especially if they are pretty. This is a huge personal development area that needs to be improved.

[Raphael]

My fears

I recently watched Leo's videos on fear and I decided to list them. I probably have thousands of fears of various intensities, I'm not conscious of most of them, but here's my current list anyway:

• Fear of people
• Fear of people who have mental health issues (like my grandma)
• Fear of depressed people
• Fear of being dependent on other people
• Fear of being attached to other people
• Fear of close relationships
• Fear of my dad
• Fear of never having a girlfriend
• Fear of women (especially if they are very pretty)
• Fear of being a virgin all my life
• Fear of being kind and look weak
• Fear of criticism
• Fear of violence
• Fear of being incompetent
• Fear of being disorganized
• Fear of not being productive enough
• Fear of procrastination
• Fear of continuing to be lazy
• Fear of being stuck in wage slavery
• Fear of being poor all my life
• Fear of not being rich and successful
• Fear of my addictions
• Fear of having tics all my life
• Fear to continue to bite my nails all my life
• Fear of staying skinny all my life
• Fear of not sleeping correctly
• Fear of having eye circles
• Fear of having a bad skin
• Fear to admit to people that I prefer to wear briefs instead of boxers
• Fear of being dumb
• Fear of not being understood
• Fear of wasting my life
• Fear of spiders (it's actually a phobia)
• Fear of extraterrestrials
• Fear of stade red
• Fear of stade blue
• Fear of lower stade orange
• Fear of absolute infinity
• Fear of absolute love
• Fear of change
• Fear of improving society
• Fear of not improving society
• Fear of changing the world
• Fear of not changing the world
• Fear to reveal my fears and issues
• Fear of myself

Main lesson: I live in fear.

[Raphael]

Using low conscious people to grow ourselves

What's nice with low conscious people for self-actualizing people is how reactive they are. They are reactive against high consciousness, but also low consciousness. They act like mirrors when confronted with low consciousness in self-actualizers, except that they amplify it a lot, they are like a high definition reflexion of yourself that is more visible. It's probably easier to grow at the beginning of someone's life in a stage orange/green environment, but I think going back and interacting with lower stages is also part of the path as they need to be integrated. I experienced enormous grow by interacting with stage red/blue/orange people, it wasn't comfortable at all, I was very anxious, angry, and depressed, but it helped me to fill some important parts of the puzzle.

Main lesson: Experience lower stages as they reflect our bullshit stronger, it makes them more visible and therefore easier to correct them and grow personally.

 

Edited October 15, 2019 by Raphael
Added Leo's video: How To Exploit People To Grow Yourself

[Raphael]

More orange, less green

I feel like I'm a little more at stage orange than I thought when I started this journal. It's maybe because I'm currently quite stressed and I'm more in my lower self, but I'm not sure... Currently, I feel I'm at:

• Blue: 10%
• Orange: 60%
• Green: 20%
• Yellow: 10%

[Raphael]

Why I'm uncomfortable with my psychologist

I think I understand why I am uncomfortable with my psychologist. The reason is that: she has stage blue/orange shadows and she is probably mostly around orange with some blue and green elements. As I am uncomfortable with low orange/blue, it's understandable that I don't feel at ease with her.

One day she told me that there are even people that don't believe in god, she judges some group of people very quickly and I personally feel judged by her. One day when I was seeing her at the beginning I told her that I was working with French people in my company, I don't remember the details, but at a point, she told me something like "Mauritians thinks that white people are superior". Of course, it doesn't mean that much now as I forget the original discussion, but I remember that she had these thoughts before other ones can and this can be an indication of her consciousness level. She also has biases on people who smoke weed and on psychedelics, and she is not open to them.

I told her many times about my plans for life, but she always tries to orient me in another direction. I told her that I'm starting freelancing and want to continue in that direction but ask at each session if I'm searching for another job. She's not even focused and doesn't listen to me sometimes and say the complete opposite that I say before.

In my opinion, a psychologist who is mostly at stage orange is too low on the spiral to help people. The minimum should be stage green/yellow and this is rare to find. Many people finish high school, go study psychology in college, get a degree, and call themselves a psychologist. This is total bullshit. Psychology needs a lot of diverse life experience including spiritual practices. Most psychologists should start practicing only after 35 - 40 years of age and even there they still need to stay open to other perspectives.

I have been seeing her for too long now and I think the time to stop is approaching.

Edited October 26, 2019 by Raphael