Understanding Non-neediness

[dlof]

I've been wondering about non-neediness lately, in regards to relationships and in reference to Leo's video on attraction.

I can see this working, and I've noticed some very specific instances when things have turned around immediately when I've caught myself feeling needy, changed my mindset and then had people do a 180 and react positively.

There's just a couple of paradoxes I'm trying to wrap my head around with this:

1. Sexual desire increases attraction
I've noticed when I have very high libido and my desire for women is very strong, I become a lot more attractive to the opposite sex. How does this relate to the mechanics of non-neediness? Because when my libido is low, I don't desire sex or women but loose that magnetic attractiveness. Is there a difference between desire and need?

2. Impetus to move out of isolation
Let's say you're in a circumstance where you are currently isolated, like you moved abroad where you don't know anyone and are working from home. Let's say you've gone half a month without physically talking to anyone. You think "enough is enough, I'm going to go out and start making connections"... this is born from a need for human contact. But if you attempt to rewire this urge because you don't want to need anyone, then you will continue to live in isolation and months down the line might actually go insane.

So I've been wondering what's going with the principle of non-neediness in the above two examples?

So far, what I can think for number 1 is there is a difference between desire for emotional connection and simple desire for sex. The former is more complicated and demanding while the latter is more basic and primal. With sex, we instinctively understand the value so if you desire sex in another, they immediately know they will get something out of it (sex). Maybe the tradeoff isn't as clearcut in emotional needs. 

In regards to number 2, maybe it's about going out and forming new connections from the desire to give and share... but then I'm wondering if you can ever really be authentic about that and if you're not just lying to yourself if you were in this situation.

Any thoughts?






 

[TurkishGuy]

For the 2: I believe this is what happens in yourself. First, your body-intelligence, insticts, your guts tells you that "The thing you are doing right now buddy, is not right. You will die alone. Go and have someone that covers your back". Now this is good. It is healthy. You don't want to die alone right ? Then your Ego, your thinking mind tries to inject the thoughts: "Fuck it, I don't need anyone. I can do everything by myself. Fck relationships ".

NOW. The key factor is Balance my friend. I believe if you putting so much emphasis on one hand of the Counter , you will become unbalanced and sick. Well.. how to balance ? Try to listen your body.

Beware, I am not the expert at this. Just some food for thoughts.

 

Mehmet Ali

Edited February 8, 2016 by TurkishGuy

[I Am]

I believe I may have some insight into this seemingly contradiction.

From what I understand, the Law of Attraction is not to be interpreted as literal as the translation may imply, but is a description of and reference to a side of the universal law that we attract what we are. In this case, your monkey mind's thoughts don't actually matter in their own right, but influence the actions you take, thus resulting in the Law of Attraction.

An example to help understand this and how your paradox is resolved is imagine your monkey mind is in a rut, and your internal dialogue influences your feelings to promote self-loathing and worthlessness. In this case, your natural desire to seek what you don't have leads you to believe that you want to feel happy, and assign these external wishes to your need to be fulfilled. In this example, what you want (happiness) is the opposite of what you will get, because you aren't happy in your internal condition. In this case the Law of Attraction and Attracting What You Are coexist.

Now let's apply this to your libdo example. Instead of feeling empty or alone, this is approached when your internal condition is healthy, and with a high libdo, you attract what you are. I'm going to take a guess that when you are attractive in these mind sets you aren't feeling that neediness as well, it's more of a creation headspace.

Hope this helped,

Cheers!

[Truth]

" But if you attempt to rewire this urge because you don't want to need anyone " This is a huge trap, and it's something I've fell into, and Leo talks about this with the law of attraction effect, it really comes down to you being insecure, by focusing on not being something it's exactly what you bring about, but if that were to change to something like "I want to be happy with myself and if people want to be in my life that's cool, and if they don't that's cool too. " that stops focusing on being needy and into something that you just generally want as a human being. not because you need it. being detached from the good or bad and being totally okay with it.

Attraction is just curiosity. If your out to get something out of it, people can see that in your body language.

Josh pellicer put it niceley when he said this 

 " There's something that everyone goes through called polar opposing insecurity compensation. Polar opposing insecurity compensation, or POIC, occurs whenever a person focuses on something that they don't want to be because being that way or having that quality makes them insecure. In order to make themselves feel like they've gotten over that insecurity, they become the exact opposite of that thing. So if you are insecure about being too quiet, for example, you would become louder and perhaps even arrogant because at the end of the day, you'd be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say "No one could accuse me of being too quiet today because I was so loud that they would never have a reason to." 

"Because this kind of compensation is always born out of a desire to be something - to not be shy, not be easily aggravated, not be weak, not be unattractive - a person experiencing it will simply switch from one extreme to another, rather than finding a healthy balance between them. Instead of fixing the problem, this kind of manic personality change indicates that you are unable to face your own insecurities. In fact, it highlights them! If you focus only on what you don't wan tot be, you cannot be confident and attractive. Polar opposing insecurity compensation will destroy your value while forcing you to make decisions based on fear and the perceived need to conform to a limiting personality type. In order to become truly confident, it's necessary to uncover what your insecurities are and overcome them without going to the extreme in either direction."

 

 

Edited February 8, 2016 by Truth

[Leo Gura]

True non-neediness is a MUCH deeper thing than you're thinking of it as.

You're still thinking of non-neediness as a manipulation. Like, "Oh, if I am non-needy then I will be more attractive and gain some advantage or benefit in life." << But that is actually coming from a place of deep lack.

True non-neediness is you are alive and 100% fulfilled simply by your very existence. It's a deep in-the-moment knowing that you need nothing external to satisfy you. You don't need social contact or women or money or anything. You just sit there and bask in being fully complete exactly as you already are. And you don't care about how this will affect anyone or anything. Will this get you laid -- just sitting there and being happy? No, probably not. But you don't care because you don't need to get laid because you are already complete. In fact, getting laid would be a distraction from enjoying the present moment.

Non-neediness is not a tool to be used to get stuff. It is rather being in-touch with yourself to such an extraordinary degree that you need nothing more and you don't cling to having things go any particular way. It's a kind of flow with and surrender to reality.

As you can see, it almost seems too idealistic and impractical. That's because it's a very advanced stage of development. You can only get there with years of work. And this is why non-neediness is so hard to fake. We could characterize the majority of your daily life at present as a desperate reaction to fill a need. That's what the ego does. It doesn't understand much else. It's always lacking something. Because fundamentally it lacks reality. To really be non-needy requires that you find existential Truth and reality.

[MonikaBcn]

3 hours ago, dlof said:

 

3 hours ago, dlof said:

You think "enough is enough, I'm going to go out and start making connections"... this is born from a need for human contact. But if you attempt to rewire this urge because you don't want to need anyone, then you will continue to live in isolation and months down the line might actually go insane.

I think there is a confusion between WANT and NEED. 

I may want a massive mansion on the top of the mountain, but I only want it. I don´t need it. If I have it, great! If I don´t have it, nothing changes, still great!

There is nothing wrong in wanting contact with people or other things. As long as you only want them. Because if you need them, it means that not having them makes you unhappy. And as we know basing your happines on circumstances is very tricky

So don´t feel guilty for your desires, as long as they are only desires. Go and fulfill them. Or not. Either way it will be ok 

Edited February 8, 2016 by MonikaBcn