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traveler

Fear of emerging with consciousness fully

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My biggest awakening experience I've had was when I was smoking weed alone on a bench in nature. I smoked it and my heart began beating really really fast. Suddenly it felt like my ego was glitching and I probably looked like an insane person as my reality began to shatter before my eyes. (Enlightenment was something I had pursued for a while, so It wasn't totally out of the blue.) I decided to lay down on the bench, and above me was a tree. I was listening to a guided meditation by mooji, and as I was laying there with my heart beating out of my chest, I felt like I was going to die. I emerged with the tree above me and the only way I can describe it is that it became infinite ongoing fractals and I was one with that. Suddenly mooji wasn't just a spiritual teacher in my ear telling me to relax and let go, but his voice became the voice of god talking to me, while I was "downloading" an insane amount of knowledge. I was very aware of my personal identity in this state though, and while being in total bliss and amazement, I was still aware of my ego saying stuff like: "so this is it?" accommodated with a feeling that all of my entire life had lead up to this exact moment, and I had in some way finally completed the game. It was a balance between total amazement and bliss with all of the out of this world knowledge I got, and a difficulty accepting this knowledge with an unfulfilling, and maybe a slightly panicked feeling. 

I have since been able to have glimpses of myself emerging with consciousness like this, I actually had an experience like that yesterday. But there is a fear of opening myself up to all of that love and energy, to totally leave all of my safety behind and emerge into this unknown thing. I guess you could say it's a fear of dying. But it seems to be the only thing holding me back.

A question that has been on my mind for a while is that if teachers of non duality are emerged with this state, I can't see how they can ground themselves in this dual reality. If one is truly emerged in a  non-dual state, then how come you can function like a totally normal person? This state seems to portray no sense of direction at all. 

Edited by traveler

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@traveler this is an excellent question - the answer to which i only became conscious of with my last mystical experience.  Or as you call it, becoming Being.

Remember Being is the formlessness of Infinity.  But you are being Infinity right now as your persepctive - which is the formed - or a finitude of Infinity.

Both are One in the end.

When you fully awaken you are at a different level of consciousness than before you awoke.  You are fully conscious all the time that everything is One.  That you are God and everyone around you is you but that they are you exploring yourself from a different perspective.

You still need to create dualities though, to interact with the formed, or in other words with reality.   God needs dualities or form in order to explore itself.

So you are able to have both perspectives at once.  It is the unity of the form and the formless.  It takes integration.  When you first awaken it will feel like your going insane - and in my case experience some depression about the Oneness - but once you can integrate both perspectives and accept that all is One it is very liberating and wonderful.

As far as fear of becoming Being, that is normal, your Ego doesn't want to let go as it want's to survive at all costs.  But keep meditating and it will happen naturally when the time is right.

Edited by Inliytened1

 

Wisdom.  Truth.  Love.

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