Dealing with self’s defense mechanisms during contemplation.

[Max_V]

Right now I’m contemplating something that has (I think) always been at the basis of experiencing myself. There is always a feeling of worthlessness, brokenness, weakness, and inferiorness present in my experience. It’s something that for long I’ve taken granted as the experience of ‘me’. Sometimes when this self feels threatened, it comes very strongly to the foreground. When it feels relatively safe it is still in my background experience.

Uncovering the Truth about this will radically alter and change the person that I feel myself to be since this is one of the most intimate parts of my self-experience. So, I have been contemplating it’s origin for a long time and these last of couple weeks daily. 

I don’t know how to deal with it’s defense mechanisms. The two that I’ve noticed mostly is sudden sleepiness and losing the consciousness of this feeling in my experience. I suddenly cannot sense it anymore. It feels like my questions go nowhere and my focus cannot pinpoint what is the target of the  contemplation.

How do I deal with defense mechanisms?

[Aakash]

the feeling is always caused by a belief, you are not trying to hold onto the feeling but you are trying to let go of the belief, 

its like you are pulling a trolley with string to stop thinking the way you do, you keep trying to pull the trolley in all sorts of directions to get that exact angle to break the trolley itself but haven't realised that cutting the string itself is the most efficent way. 

so you have found that you feel broken and worthless but have you gone deeper and understood what your opinions of yourself make you feel this way .Thereafter to heal you have to learn to accept yourself completely in your present moment, wishing you could have muscles or a million pounds is only half truths of healing, or they are ways to break the trolley, not break the string. To break the string, you have to accept your self as perfect by letting go of the belief that you are worthless as it is not true. 

you are worth is actually the wrong question, the right question you should ask yourself to break the string is what does it actually mean to be worthless and contemplate what it actually means, find that boundary or line where a person goes from being worth something to being worth nothing and realise this is a boundary we all distinguish in our own heads, what makes you feel worthless is not what makes someone else feel worthless and therefore 

Edited April 26, 2019 by Aakash