Ross

Humiliation

3 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

I am really bothered by one or two humiliating things that happened to me in the past and I am just asking how you can let go from them?

Thanks

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7 hours ago, Ross said:

Hey guys,

I am really bothered by one or two humiliating things that happened to me in the past and I am just asking how you can let go from them?

Thanks

Hi @Ross, nice to meet you.   Humiliation is a huge challenge to deal with.

I would like to offer this article as a baseline, I think it offers some great information and makes sure we are all working from the same understanding of what humiliation is and how it can impact us as well as tools we can use to get beyond humiliation and often shame. 

http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/humiliation.htm

From my own direct experience, my observation is I feel humiliated when I either fear or believe there may be a facet of truth attached to the humiliating event.   That is when I do very focused self inquiry on what is triggering those emotions and get to the core causes.

For example; my oldest son murdered a young women in a high profile murder case which was followed heavily in local city media and somewhat in national media.  It was a humiliating experience which morphed into a shameful experience.  

I then went through years of reflection, self inquiry, creating new stories around all of the situation; much of the time just so I could cope with the surreal reality which was, and still is,  my reality on one level.  

Its not as if there is a guide book for what to do when...

...and in much of  the public's view if you are the parent?  You have the responsibility; particularly if your child is not of legal age at the time of the crime.  

Total strangers with no idea of who I was, what I had been through, what my child had been through, what had actually occurred had nothing but time and media attention, books, false facts, with which to create their own stories.  There were actually people so insensitive as to publicly humiliate and blame the parents of the victim, as though they themselves were somehow culpable.   This type of coverage continued for years.

The guilt, the shame I felt?  Crippling.   How does one atone for that?  Overcome THAT?  It seemed so huge to me I thought my life was over.  I was the parent.  I was responsible.

I deconstructed the stories.  I still deconstruct the stories.  I realize they are fabrications to understand the inexplicable.   The horrifically paradoxical reality that my baby, did this thing I cannot even wrap my head around, and now I can still see him as a thirty year old man and not see that being who could have done what I read was done.   Trying to fathom what was done is as mind bending for  me as trying to wrap one's head around infinity as a concrete concept.

Every time I rid myself of one story, a new one arises and I deconstruct the fallacies of that story and live with what is and who I am in the now versus the who I was that did whatever in the past.  

Once I could distinguish between the past me and the now me and that they were different?  I could begin to let go.  I could see the good things I did as well as the bad things versus before being focused only upon the negative or the shameful things I perceived I did and feared was the sum of who I was.

Suddenly it was okay to say I was foolish and made poor choices and take responsibility because that was the old story and the old person.  The person I am now would based upon those past experiences would make different choices in the now.   The stories served to understand "the why" long enough to modify the patterns of "my how."  I could then use that to help be of service to others which was very healing.   I could  understand perfection was a lie, that I was a work in progress and then I found people who could embrace my bugs as features.  I gave myself and I received radical acceptance for inherent worth irrespective of utility.

I came to understand that even though my son was seventeen at the time of the crime, he made choices that were his, and I cannot take responsibility for his choices or actions.  I came to understand I was not the only one involved, I had no control, and to assume ownership really implied martyrdom which was challenging to hear and accept.   I had to see the passive aggressive means I used to cope during that time of dysfunction and rather than beat myself up, forgive myself and begin to make corrections without internal value judgements.

I examined how distrustful the event made me of people, and how cynical it made me, how needy and easy to manipulate it also made me.   I detached, I asked myself,  If this had happened to a friend of mine versus me what compassion would I be giving them I do not give me? 

Then I began examining self loathing and childhood trauma; rage, really digging into painful icky emotions and challenging self actualization work.  

I face the pain,the fear, whatever it is causing me the anxiety.  Sometimes I may limit what I face to three or four huge fears at a time; I may not talk openly about all of them anymore;  but I face those fears head on until I know they can't own me.

Its been 13 years now; I still have good days and bad.  I share this with you not to put the focus on me, as much as to say I understand humiliation and shame, I know how devastating they can be, this is how I have fought to overcome it.  Its a process, it takes facing versus avoiding emotion, and I find being creative in anyway as an outlet really helps in releasing those emotions we tend to store in the body for years from humiliating events.

If I can do anything today it is to impart to you that there is hope and a way past it; love yourself, be kind, be gentle to you.

 

 

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