Abandonment = overblown sense of justice

[triadne]

Hi,

I've watched some videos on abandonment and how to deal with it. some pretty good tips to be had. one poignant video said I need to reconnect with my inner child, to feel what she felt, and to comfort her.  I think this would really help if I could remember a lot of it. I can't.  It feels like several lifetimes ago.  Can anyone give any further tips on how to do this? I'm sure a therapist would be awesome but I don't currently have access to that. any other ways I could try and unlock any lost memories or access the emotions that are linked to them?

Thanks!

Edited March 28, 2019 by triadne

[triadne]

More info :-

I've figured out that I have this crazy overblown sense of justice. If I feel an injustice, it's like I get obsessed with it and get super controlling or manipulative.I get this way about things that other people take in their stride. I can't keep a pet because I want it to love me all the time and if it acts in a way I feel is unwarranted form of rejection, I get super angry. I would probably do really badly in a relationship but I've never been in one so I don't know for sure. I feel rejection badly, let's say somebody said they would give me a car ride to a place, then if they are late by more than 5 minutes, I get super paranoid.  If somebody parks their car on the grass outside my home, I get really angry and look for ways to make them stop.  If I hear my neighbour's door bang closed, I get really crazy bent out of shape and recently I've been really anxious about it. I practice avoidance so I don't have to confront these situations. I sleep crazy hours so I don't run the risk of being in my hall when the neighbour gets home or goes out.

I've finally figured out this is all due to abandonment.  my mother has some other sort of bad issues I think. her second child died in his sleep while sleeping in his cot.  I was her third child and up til the age he died, she would stay by my cot while i slept and watch me. after I had passed that age, she said she stopped watching me. she has been dismissive of me ever since.  any time I asked for her validation, asked for her opinion, asked for her help, she has dismissed me. when my two younger brothers were born, I got it even worse, if that is even possible. mainly because I could see how much they were doted on and i must have been thinking "why didn't I get that?"  The twins were always taken on trips and treated to new toys and new clothes etc.  I was expected to do housework that they were never expected to do. They got away with all sorts of mischief that I was often blamed for.  Any time they did anything bad that effected me, I would ask for my mum to intervene and she would do nothing, but of course it was the other way round for me. Any time anyone did anything that hurt me, including neighbours or strangers on the street, it became my fault.

[Nahm]

@triadne What would you need to know, or understand, or get from this thinking about the past, to move on?

[triadne]

To understand my deep emotional issues that are hidden. We have stories built upon stories, and I need to understand what those stories are before i can unravel them.
I was hurt as a child and without understanding how that has shaped my outlook now, i can't resolve my emotional problems.

mindfulness doesn't really help because when i pay attention to my emotions they can become overwhelming and it's like trying to piece together a conversation while standing in a nightclub.

I need a filter or a telescope.

Edited March 28, 2019 by triadne

[Forestluv]

@triadne You might not gain access as conscious memories. You might not be able to re-create a story like you want to. I think there are some psychotherapy modalities that try to unlock emotional blocks and deep-seeded "memories".

Sometimes I just get a sense that something happened. Almost like a previous life or a dream I can quite remember. Yet it hasn't risen to the level of my consciousness and I've accepted they may be a different type of "memory" that isn't like my other memories. It's more like a sense or intuition. I don't know how to describe it. It is definitely closer to a feeling than a thought. And I get the sense that feelings arise from it.

I don't know how to raise it to traditional memories and I'm a bit skeptical about how true it would be if some hypnotist or psychologist tried to pull it out. I've also considered past life regression therapy, yet it can be expensive (about $300+ for a day).

So I've accepted that I can only get to know them though these nontraditional channels. One thing that open up a channel was in a sensory deprivation tank. Another time during shamanic breathing. There were "body memories" released during Shamanic breathing.

[triadne]

I think even if memories are not entirely true, they can be connected to the emotions , and we can use that to process those emotions. so if I do this kind of practise, shamanic breathing etc. then I can regain access to memories that are similar enough to my younger experiences?

So perhaps I can just use my imagination?