Contentment living in lower class - unsure of what path to take

[Shadowraix]

For reference I am 20. I know a lot of people don't have their shit together even at this age which is kinda reassuring. I had a full ride to college, dropped out after crashing my car, and ever since I am been mostly self-actualizing. I have always lived in lower class environments and people. Making just enough to get by. Never lived on my own. Around when I graduated high school I gained a lot of motivation to push myself. This is about where I really started growing. I had a lot of ambitions. I know I am smart enough to learn anything I am dedicated to. I'm great with technology, been programming for years but its only really been a hobby. It feels more like a creative outlet that I am good enough at to enjoy, but lately have been unsure if i'd like to pursue that as a career, let alone rush myself into a career that my entire family is pressuring me into. Yes, thats it. I feel pressured to go back to college, and follow your typical norms of life.

Although I almost feel that motivation to be gone because I don't REALLY want success. Not bad enough to chase it over everything. I've actually found a state of contentment with being considered poor. I don't know the latest and greatest things. My gaming hobby has been pretty satisfied and no longer feel the desire to buy the latest greatest game. I already have so many to enjoy. So I obviously don't need that extra cash to fulfill any luxury desires. I find a lot of my past time activities just comes from being around people. But on the flip side that extra money can be a good tool for other things.

So now I almost view going out and being super successful as a side activity in life. Not a top priority. Not a necessity. But this feeling along with how society operates leaves a sense of confusion in me. Am I just ambitionless? Does my path just not involve huge success right now? Its confusing. A lot of people get this satisfaction out of pursuing success and I don't, I am already satisfied, yet I almost feel like I shouldn't be.

I'm mostly venting at where I am at, and my once certain path is full of uncertainty. A lot of my recent life has been more about just going with how I feel right now than it is future planning. Maybe you guys might have advice on how I can figure out my next step? Leo's life purpose course is a good step, and I hope to start it in the coming few months.

 

[legendary]

On 3/16/2019 at 10:49 PM, Shadowraix said:

Am I just ambitionless?

I would say so. Unless, you have already worked through all superficial materialistic desires, and want to make enlightenment your primary focus in life. Ramana Maharshi was one such case. No one would say he was ambitionless, but instead he had no material cravings and devoted all his time to spirituality from a young age. Based on your post, I don't think that is the case with you, but who am I to judge?

On 3/16/2019 at 10:49 PM, Shadowraix said:

Does my path just not involve huge success right now? Its confusing. A lot of people get this satisfaction out of pursuing success and I don't, I am already satisfied, yet I almost feel like I shouldn't be.

I'm mostly venting at where I am at, and my once certain path is full of uncertainty.

One of the central themes of a powerful life purpose is to be internally driven. So you shouldn't be thinking about 'chasing external success', but instead, should be thinking about how your skills can make a positive impact on society and about authentically expressing yourself. Success should be a byproduct of such a life.

Is there nothing about the world that you'd like to change? Not in a wishful thinking kind of a way, but through your dedicated efforts. Alternatively, you can think like an artist and see what endeavor would allow you to fully express who you are. I know that can be a tough decision to make at 20, but be open-minded and keep on visualizing about what your ideal life and career could look like.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being uncertain as long as you are willing to make changes in your life based on what your intuition tells you:

https://deida.info/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/BK00906-interior-pages-12.pdf

Leo's life purpose course would be immensely helpful for you. One excellent practice that David Deida recommends is to go on a solo retreat and meditate on what your life purpose should be. It should be like the retreat that Leo advocates, but centered around life purpose instead of Self-realization. I'd bet my money that the trajectory of your life will change if you do this correctly and fuse it with the LP course.

Hope that helps. Wish you all the best

[mandyjw]

You have to sort out your inner voice (gut instinct) from messages you've absorbed about what other people think you should do. Sometimes that means doing what other people want you to do to find out that's not right. It gets easier and easier with practice. Certainty only comes from being able to hear your inner voice clearly. 

[JohnnyBravo]

No need to work life out.

Life works out for you.

Pick something to do. And if you cannot pick, wait till God shows up (and yes, God will).

[Shadowraix]

Thanks for the replies so far!

On 3/22/2019 at 7:23 AM, legendary said:

I would say so. Unless, you have already worked through all superficial materialistic desires, and want to make enlightenment your primary focus in life. Ramana Maharshi was one such case. No one would say he was ambitionless, but instead he had no material cravings and devoted all his time to spirituality from a young age. Based on your post, I don't think that is the case with you, but who am I to judge?

I definitely have materialistic desires. I never had much growing up then when I graduated I was able to splurge and fill my life with a lot of it. I still desire the latest greatest computer, a fancy house etc. But at the same time I realize I know it is not going to make me happy. So instead of focusing what I don't have and what I do have that is where I find my contentment. Yes, I am not entirely devoted to spirituality I will say that right off the bat. I have been making good changes in life though. I've ditched soda for water (huge step for me) I have worked through a lot of my trauma and mental issues. The past 2 years has been using spirituality as a means of self-help. I had a very dysfunctional childhood so I want to take it upon myself to recognize its impact on me and work to change it.

On 3/22/2019 at 7:23 AM, legendary said:

One of the central themes of a powerful life purpose is to be internally driven. So you shouldn't be thinking about 'chasing external success', but instead, should be thinking about how your skills can make a positive impact on society and about authentically expressing yourself. Success should be a byproduct of such a life.

Is there nothing about the world that you'd like to change? Not in a wishful thinking kind of a way, but through your dedicated efforts. Alternatively, you can think like an artist and see what endeavor would allow you to fully express who you are. I know that can be a tough decision to make at 20, but be open-minded and keep on visualizing about what your ideal life and career could look like.

You are right! I am living in a household where there is a lot of pressure for me to apply my intelligence regardless if I know what to do with it or not. I am getting out of this environment but I do need to not take influence from this I think. Be more aware of it. 

There's a lot of the basic stuff in life I don't like suffering etc but through accepting it and not demonizing it its almost built a sort of complacency in me. I wanted to make video games for a long time because its something I enjoy and I want to make the game I like to play. I still love programming but I find I get burnt out of it super super easy. Game dev industry is hard and when I am not financially independent I have to consider monetization and I hate it. I have discovered I have a huge desire to teach. I love helping people figure stuff out. Ever since I was a child I spent so much of my time just learning how things work out of curiosity. I think this is my first glimpse towards a life purpose. My desire to figure things out then teach it to others I didn't realize until I started self-actualizing. It was the most obvious thing I don't know how I didn't realize it. The last major thing I applied this to was researching the effects of drugs so I could educate people and help them do it safely. It became a huge passion of mine but its since died down.

On 3/22/2019 at 9:11 AM, mandyjw said:

You have to sort out your inner voice (gut instinct) from messages you've absorbed about what other people think you should do. Sometimes that means doing what other people want you to do to find out that's not right. It gets easier and easier with practice. Certainty only comes from being able to hear your inner voice clearly. 

You are very much correct! I can tell the external influence is getting to me. Any tips to progress this?

On 3/22/2019 at 9:24 AM, JohnnyBravo said:

No need to work life out.

Life works out for you.

Pick something to do. And if you cannot pick, wait till God shows up (and yes, God will).

I see what you are saying, this helps calm down my worries to remember the absolute, but from the relative perspective this also promotes complacency. Which is good to a degree. I haven't quite sorted out if I am ok with being ambitionless. In the sense that I can find content right now but I still cling to this need of having a direction. Where do you divide ambition with resistance? 

Edited March 24, 2019 by Shadowraix