How to deal with a lost desire for Romantic Relationships/Marriage? +

[Shir]

Hey Everyone! 

So, I will admit that this is a little similar to my last post but I've had time to think about things and would love to actually better verbalize myself this time around in order to ask the bigger questions that are weighing on my heart and have been for a long while now.

For example I get that NOT all women need to have children or want to and that's okay! (I'm going thorugh that confsuion right now myself and it's hard) but literally no one really talks about what to do, as a woman, when you've suddenly (or not) lost the desire to have Romantic Relationships/strive to get married?

I'm 26, a virgin and tbh never had a bf. Recently, I've given up on it after years or pain and rejections ect. The moment I gave up on it...I found some peace in being single. For the first time in my life and I felt grateful to be single. It was magical, because I could suddenly 'step outside" of myself (in a sense) and see the whole situation of us as ppl (trying to have a love life) as this giant crazy "rat race" where everyone is desperately seeking the love they're begging for and wanting their needs fulfilled in full ect and everything that goes around with that. I'm not saying it's bad. It just is. I just saw it as soo stressful and emotionally draining all of a sudden.

Then, funny enough...the moment "I gave up" the idea of a love life - things started popping up. I got flirted with/hit in in person and I never saw it coming (mind you, rarely happens if ever at all!) and I was extremely flattered but...uncomfortable nonetheless (unprepared, knew I didn't want a relationship from the get to). Then, I was smothered with love by this other gentleman who REALLY wants a relationship with me and it was too much for me and I cannot shake him off ever since. Then, my Lady friend woke up this one day literally 3 days ago and really wanted to match me with a man who she thinks is amazing and totally up my alley (sounds like an awesome man). Apparently he's interested in me.

And me? I just...it does nothing for me. Idk what to think anymore. EVERYTHING about a love life or a relationship right now feels like a burden...on my soul. Yeah, that deep. On the other hand, I don't even want to try at all...I don't want to waste ppl's time (even though I do adore the attention in general - sorry, still a woman). 

At this point...I don't know what to think. Is there something wrong with me? I KNOW for a fact that I'm not asexual whatsoever nor am I aromantic. I actually do feel strongly attracted to men and have those romantic desires inside in general (like wanted to be intimate physically, emotionally, and everything in between) but now it's like the WHOLE desire as a whole just...died? So hard to articulate it into words.

I will admit that I do suffer from Depression and it has taken a toll on many things for me, including wanting to be secluded from people. It's okay though because I know that's what I want to do. I have no patience nor any desire for a social life either at this point too (even though I am very friendly and civil with everyone).

I realize ppl may think "this is just a phase" you're going through right now, what with your depression BUT in all honestly, I'm scared because it doesn't feel like a phase...it feels like who I "really am" and that scares me. All my life I thought I was this deep romantic person that really wanted a bf/partner and now when the possibilities DO arise...I run for the hills! Isn't that crazy? 

I used to be sooo excited of the idea to even date or go on a date (never have before) - literally be really excited on the possibility of dolling up and getting to meet someone I may be interested in and all of that right now seems like such a burden to me and would feel like nothing more than a chore I just want to get over with. I sincerely do not want to feel this way nor do I think it's healthy to. Dating should at least be fun and exciting and I cannot even see that right now as such.

I will admit I do feel in love right now with someone whom I know I have absolutely no chance with whatsoever (not a celeb of course, just someone I see professionally) and maybe that's weighing on my heart as well because I've realized they're the closest man I've ever encountered to "the perfect guy" I've always wanted as an adult and I think that's saying a lot. Obviously, they do not know I'm in love with them (at least, not that I realized) and well...it's embarrassing. He makes my heart flutter and I even doll up when I get the chance to meet them and they mean a lot to me. Which is saying a lot when you're super depressed and suicidal all the time.

I just WISH there was something to be said about the topic about how to deal with lost desires for a romantic relationship in life because in all honesty, ppl nowadays talk about a life without kids and they're okay because they at least have a partner but in my situation it's like...well, no kids and no partner...WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?!

I just wanted to add that, never in a million years did I ever think I would end up in this situation. It shatters my heart and eats me up inside and I wish there were the perfect words to express that right now but I can only hope that ppl may understand me and the pain in between my words. I feel so different because of this. Even when I fell in love twice before and got heartbroken, I never felt like this (the lost desire for love and a romantic relationship). It makes me feel like less of a person. Less of a woman. It's gotten to a point where I don't even know how to express to man that I just...cannot do it. I cannot do a relationship and it hurts because I see myself being that woman that's lying next to a man in bed and although I'm physically close to them, I feel alone in all existence and I'd just cry in the dark, fighting for the will to live. It feels that deep and that painful to be honest. 

I know that relationships aren't the be all and end all of life but I cannot deny the fact that I feel so different to everyone else right now because of this situation. Maybe suffering from depression sharpens your pain but it's hard to see what a person can live for if they're not able to be in a meaningful relationship, they don't have kids and their dream career is crumbling even before it's taken off? 

 

Would LOVE AND APPRECIATE your thoughts!

Thank you kindly. 

<3

P.S - I sincerely apologize for the LONGG post however the heart was heavy

[universe]

If you are dating a needy person and your friends try to set you up with some random people... well, its no wonder that it seems like a burden to you.

Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?

Realize that everything you are right now is perfect. If you dont want to have a relationship, dont. You dont have to follow all these narratives that todays society feeds us. A true relationship can only happen when you take off your mask. I feel like you try to put on a mask to be more likeable to others. I did this as well. It can be very exhausting.

[Shir]

42 minutes ago, universe said:

If you are dating a needy person and your friends try to set you up with some random people... well, its no wonder that it seems like a burden to you.

Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?

Realize that everything you are right now is perfect. If you dont want to have a relationship, dont. You dont have to follow all these narratives that todays society feeds us. A true relationship can only happen when you take off your mask. I feel like you try to put on a mask to be more likeable to others. I did this as well. It can be very exhausting.

@universe First off - Thank You kindly for your comment! I appreciate it <3 Very much food for thought.

You're right though, if it's a needy person (the guy smothering me with the "love" calling me his future Wife and making plans for us when I don't want that) or if it's a set up I'm less than interested in...no wonder it burdens me. Makes so much sense haha. I just couldn't put it into words opps. 

And the "Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?" Gosh...that's a heavy question. I realize we all deserve to be loved but deep down? I don't feel like I deserve it because I was always made to feel less then and 26 years of that - it really saddens your soul tbh. I don't feel good enough, I'm woman enough to admit that - if it means anything. I understand that we're all "enough" the way we are and believe me I'd be the first person to say that to the next Lady or Man but deep down I know I'm in pain and do not feel enough. 

Thank you for letting me feel the way I do. I really do not want a relationship right now - you're right, I should honor that feeling and not push it just to follow the norms of society. I try to put on a mask on the daily that I'm okay (because of school and friends) but deep down I'm devastated and fight the tears on my way to the toilets even on a break, in between classes. Once I do take off the mask, no one knows what to say and they're lost for words in trying to deal with a suicidal person like myself. That's what kills me inside. No one really knows what to say and I'm left with "I don't know what to tell you"...

So yeah

[Salvijus]

First thought: wow. It's beautiful when someone is outgrowing social conditioning

Advise: no idea 

It feels like something is afraid of the new space that you're moving towards. It's almost like something is trying to escape, to sabotage this freedom.

It's a tremendous strenght and space to be alone and be okey with it. You can feel it just by reading your posts

"Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world." Insane quote by Jim Carry.

It's interesting to see the inner turmoil that you're going through. Wonder which way you'll turn out

Maybe the only thing worth remembering is - don't make descisions out of fear. If you want a boyfriend, is it out of joy or fear and anxiety of never getting another chance for the rest of your life? If you want children, is it because it's immense love and fulfliment or is it social conditioning, compulsion, bad image, fear of looking different, fear of missing out, fear of uncertenty etc..

 "So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicallity" Jim Carry.

What a powerful video about how strong can social conditioning be.

 

Edited February 26, 2019 by Salvijus