Eager to evolve - Getting my shit handled journal

[flowboy]

Just deleted my numbered list of all the women I fucked.

I've had it for years, buried somewhere in my Evernote. It has felt for a good while like something that needed to go. But I wasn't quite ready to let it go. And so the completer in me just had to keep it updated every time. Keep score. The original idea was to keep going and stop at 100. However, that was the 22 year old me.

It's a controversial thing to have, but I stand by it. I haven't shown it to people and it doesn't hurt anyone either. It gave me some joy, a little self-esteem boost when comparing the number with my friends', and was a nice way to rebel against my dad. 

But now it feels ridiculous and it obviously corrupts my mindset. I'm going to take advantage of this momentum and let it go.

Edited February 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Back when I had a lot of high school misery coming up, someone recommended I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And I am. It reads like dumbed-down psycho-cybernetics mixed with LOA, wrapped in a fairy tale for 8 year olds. It's annoying, full of made-up words and devoid of examples. I hate it.

I will keep going at least until page 100.

Edited February 14, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

 

 

 

[flowboy]

It's been a tough week.

My laptop being broken meant that I don't have access to my schedules, plans, routines and lists. I built a system to support myself, and it comprises schedules in OneNote that require a big screen to view properly, many links to more detailed routines to help me keep up with maintenance and get a nice overview of my life, as well as some Google Sheets that I use frequently.

All of that is very hard to use on a smartphone. Possible, but time-consuming and finger cramping.

My system being out of order caused me to (I used as an excuse to) not slide nicely back into my usual high-functioning ways. As is common for me after a trip, in most cases anyway, I must admit. This time the technology failed me, which made it easier to slip.

The excitement and uncertainty of whatever just happened in my dating life just compounded that drift towards chaos. Waves of strong emotions. Using some of my favorite drugs.

Even though I'm not treating my body in the optimal way, and doing some questionable things like alcohol and smoking, I'm still aware that I love myself and this will pass soon. Part of me is paying attention to not go too far. I still eat healthy food. I still take my vitamins. I don't get drunk. I don't stay up late if I can help it.

I just have a lot of vices playing up right now, and I am treating it as a conscious ego backlash. I don't like it, but it's okay.

Wherever I am, that is okay.

I still love myself and want the best for me.

[flowboy]

"But I should be grounded, centered and calm all the time!"

No I shouldn't. What am I, the perfect Superior Man? Yawn.

"I shouldn't let love and women affect me like this"

Sure I should! The ups and downs make me feel alive, and I enjoy them both.

"I should be further along in my journey and be rid of all my addictions for good already!"

Heck no I shouldn't. Not as long as I still enjoy revisiting them. I will just get more opportunities to practice centering myself and getting back up on my feet. Until I get so profoundly bored of them that I will just stay there.

[flowboy]

Found another ladybug hanging out at my doorstep

[flowboy]

• Remember A Success
  • That's easy. Last Thursday, during a work meeting, I spoke up about a much needed fundamental design change that we wanted. We being the developers. The product owner, product manager and UX guy need to be in favor of it too, though.
    And it was the same situation that happens over and over in my life: everyone around me says they really want it, they assume that the people in power won't want it, and so they remain passive. I hear this and handle it differently. When the right people are in the room I bring it up. Convincingly. Well-argumented. Tying it in to their own values.
    And my whole team gets its way. This has happened more times than I can count now. I guess I have some talent for that, even though I wouldn't know what to call it.
    
    Same thing happened this week with a request we got to manually delete a bunch of records from a production database. It was the third time for a request like this. Our lead dev said privately that he's not comfortable with these requests at all, because doing such things manually there's a big risk of making a mistake, and on a production database mistakes cause multi million euro customers to get upset and potentially leave.
    
    So I thought: "Let's not have that, then." And during the refinement meeting, I proposed that we don't do this at all, instead we create a tool to do it safely, which we can use again, so that we don't run the risk of human error every time this request comes in.
    Yes, it's a bit more work, but they themselves said they value data security and can't risk mistakes, right?
    
    The PO agreed and that's what we're doing. It seems common sense, but apparently I have the ability to speak up and get things done where others wouldn't. That's one of my core strengths. I'm proud of that.
• Something I'm Grateful For
  • I'm grateful for being able to afford and easily get really healthy food. I'm grateful for my support system of friends. I'm grateful for getting a raise, and my boss sending me a new laptop. I'm grateful for my parents being healthy and reinventing themselves. I'm grateful for ladybugs coming to greet me.
• If I were to die tomorrow, would I want to do what I am today?
  • No, but that's because I'm allowing myself to take it very slow today.
• How did I honor my commitment to excellence today?
  • I quit smoking officially, using the app. Apart from that... I didn't. Ask again later.

Edited February 20, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

Coming back to silence.

When I'm running away from something, I can't stand silence. When I enjoy it, it's the end of running.

Ego backlash is coming to the natural end as I predicted. Just needed to calm down.

 

I teared up a little several times today. I have the feeling that some things are clicking into place. Old fixations are being dissolved.

I can bury my awake mind into youtube videos and stimulants all I want, it doesn't stop the learning. My subconscious mind is upgrading its system. There's nothing I have to do.

For the past year or maybe even two years, I have been drifting away from valuing mind-stuff and towards valuing heart stuff. I can't say it more eloquently.

It's only intensifying.

 

 

[flowboy]

Just realized this is the first "slip" or backlash where I didn't spill any semen. Or be drawn to masturbate using porn at all.

It freaks a part of me out: I used to like this! Is that part of me dead? So I looked at some porn. There is still some curiosity there. My thought process is basically: "Yeah, I bet that would be nice to do. Those people probably had fun. Nice for them."

But the mental gymnastics required to imagine myself in the position of the actor, remove the actor, convince myself that it is real, let it turn me on... ugh. It feels like an unnatural trick.

Nice looking pussy, sure. Well-shaped ass. I could work with that. If it were here.

But it's not here. And because it's not here, I don't really care about it.

 

- To be clear, this is probably not some sort of irreversible epiphany where I have seen the light and am changed forever. I'm pretty sure I could retrain myself to like porn again in a couple hours if I tried. But let's not. -

 

And don't get me wrong, I am wayy horny. Automatically detecting level of fertility by looking at movement pattern of women I see in the corner of my eye. Walking past someone in a supermarket isle and suddenly feeling a strong masculine energy field eminating from myself, while being acutely aware that I could throw her around and rock her world. Feeling dangerous, in a benevolent way.

All that jazz

Edited February 20, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

It was still there the next day! Right on my doorstep.

Thank you for reminding me that I am lucky, and about to be even luckier. I feel loved.

Now I need to bring you back to safety before you get crushed by someone's footstep.

I kept telling it "I love you", while carrying it a couple blocks over and finding a nice plant for it to chill on.

 

Now let's do the work needed to receive.

[flowboy]

This is my results since 1 February 2021.

Finally got the courage to fill in 3 weeks of missing data into my habit tracker. Some unforeseen events that affected the results: a trip abroad, then a broken laptop and ego backlash.

Recreating this data gave me substantial anxiety and self-judgment. But facing reality is better than denying it and starting over again. It's embarassing, but this is what it is. At least now I can keep going without feeling guilty about not being up to date. It's a lot of weight off my shoulders. Tomorrow I will start fresh.

All these habits are here because I have experimented and found that they help my well-being and improve my quality of life. Not to torture me. I'm not into that. I'm sure I will start feeling a lot better and more stable once I start doing these things again.

I know some people who don't need trackers and schedules, because they naturally do what is good for them. Good for them. I am not those people. I need trackers and schedules.

Some Positives To Cheer Myself Up With

• I literally haven't ejaculated this month at all. 26/01 was the last time.
• I have kept up with cold showers and Wim Hof breathing for most of the days, even during the backlash
• Haven't smoked in over 3 days and I feel really done with it. Contemplated that on LSD last night. My lungs felt just as dry as the bark of the tree that I was hugging.

Edited February 23, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

IF + steaks - so hungry, so motivated (so relentless, so Thanos, so inevitable)

Didn't eat until 12.00 - resulted in feeling super sharp and motivated (and hungry). Very relentless again in team meeting with PO. Feels good.

Then I had an organic steak and some eggs. And another one. It's just what I was craving.

Functioned like a beast.

It's so clear that I know the steps to having a good day. And if I do those steps, I am productive and happy. If I don't, I barely get anything done, am stressed, and upset with myself. Why it took me so long to get back in my groove, is a mystery to me. It seems 'nice' to allow myself to slack off, and following a schedule seems hard. But actually, it is what makes me feel good during a work day and feel happy with how I spent my time. What was so hard about this?

 

Perhaps it is part of some natural process to temporarily forget all the things that worked so well, and after that re-commit even stronger, having seen the alternative. Perhaps this is necessary to cement the importance of discipline into my mind. I'm going to go with that

 

Did an hour and 10 minutes of Wim Hof breath this morning...yum! Didn't want to stop, it felt so good. Having healthy lungs is awesome. Will take better care of them from now on.

 

Supplements to cope with caffeine withdrawal

I'm trying out Rhodiola Rosea today. So far, I like it. It's very subtle, but definitely helps me focus enough to do programming, even with a brain that is still missing its caffeine fix.

I've also bought Astragalus. That works well too, perhaps even better.

I like experimenting with natural remedies anyway, and this is a good opportunity to reduce my suffering and make quitting caffeine more fun.

Edited February 24, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

LSD

Last Monday I and a friend decided to take half a tab of 1P-LSD. I'm not going to make it into a trip report, because the dose was too light for me to have a deep experience. It mostly felt extremely sexual, with those typical blissful tingles caressing the inside of the body, each culminating in a tremor. Pretty soon I was in the awkward position of wanting to take my clothes off and rub oil all over myself, but having to hold back because D. was there.

D. did have a "reality shattering" trip (her words) however. I was surprised to find that out afterwards, because she kept talking to me like she was sober throughout.

Playing chess with the cats was fun though.

Thoughts

Here's some thoughts I wrote down during and after.

 

DON'T PANIC

No panic about what you do or don't do. Just live in a way that something happens every day. Progress built into the day. But relaxed. Rushing is completely unnecessary.

...

Why am I treating this life like I borrowed it from somebody else, and am about to give it back?

Why not treat it like it matters! With the utmost care and respect. [Editor's note: I do take good care of things I borrow]

I'm not taking my life and time seriously enough.

I can't mope around and procrastinate.

I can't sit around on uncomfortable furniture and complain about it.

This is my life. And I need to take it seriously. Now. Even if it's difficult. Even if it's so difficult, that I threaten to suffocate and it damn near breaks me. Even if it kills me! I need to do what I find important. And treat every moment like it matters, because it does.

...

 

I need to get rid of my drawer of comforts. And my baggage and my story.

I feel a strong desire to get rid of all the stuff I can possibly get rid of.

Strip away all of my old self.

 

My entire old identity was the first stage of a rocket, to burn away and be pushed off for the new one to be propelled forward, in equal action opposite reaction.

...

 

I wish you could know how much I want to be with you right now.

 

...

 

Why am I still wearing clothes?

We all know what's coming next.

 

Dreams

The dreams after the trip were wild. Here's some fragments I remember.

I'm in a threeway relationship. This has been going on for a while, and it feels completely normal. I'm in bed with the guy and the girl. At the moment, the guy is having sex with me. The girl is chilling while he is on top and fucks me. After he comes, the three of us cuddle and talk.

The guy mentions casually that he doesn't like the scent of the powdered deodorant I wear (made from sandalwood and a bunch of spices).

I notice that he didn't say so before. It's what I smell like. He hid the fact that he didn't like it until after he had sex with me. I feel betrayed and subtly used. I think about it and decide that I have to leave, because I've been manipulated. I get my clothes and walk out the door.

...

I'm at the foot of a tall dark grey building. Me and a group of people are letting balloons fly over the top of it. They naturally drift upwards, and carry buckets of rainbow paint. The paint is dripping out of it via a rope. We are painting rainbowy vertical lines on the building using the paint balloons. It's dark out, but the paint shines bright on the grey building.

 

Living Alone vs In a Community

Some more thoughts I wrote later:

My problems come from isolation and thinking I have to do everything without people. Find a living community. Have my own space but also people. Playing drums = being considerate of each other and communicating. Not isolating.

My acid self is right: I tend to think I have to do everything alone, and need to be isolated from people most of the time, so that I can get things done my way. It's true in a sense, but can also be a trap. I should pay attention to that.

Having a roommate sounds like a nightmare to me, and still does. But that's because I assume that the roommate will want to drink alcohol a lot, play loud music and invite people over all the time. Or at least watch TV and eat unhealthy. That kind of influence makes it harder to live the way I want, I know from experience.

But I'm not seeing the other side of this: what if I lived with people who had similar ambitions and lifestyle? What if I lived with a bunch of motivated entrepreneurs, for example. We could all learn from each other. And if one is not having a good day, the others would give him some of their energy.

I truly believe that this would be the end of procrastination. Actually, the end of motivation problems for most people, would be to live with others with similar ambitions.

So many of society's common mental problems are due to isolation.

But isolation is still better than living with people who drag you down. I just failed to realise until now that the people you live with can also drag you up. It's so obvious.

Perhaps I should really do that. Go live with a couple of guys who have good habits and are also starting businesses. Could be really awesome.

Edited February 25, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

EK session 1

Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money

I visualise the stress I feel when looking at my bank account and thinking: there should be at least twice as much in there!

The moment I am asked to make a donation, and I make a very small one, because I perceive myself to need a lot more quickly.

The moment my salary negotiations stalled, because they were not willing to pay me what I needed to be comfortable.

The limitation of getting the same amount every month, barely enough to save 500. How impatient that idea makes me.

The knot in my stomach when I realise that I have to be careful with expenses.

It's a tight feeling on the outside of my belly and also my solar plexis. And some tightness in chest.

Having is evidence of wanting.

I repeat some sentences in my mind.

"I need more money"

"I don't need more money"

"I absolutely will not tolerate having any more than this amount"

Something seems to loosen up. The tightness relents and some subtle waves of pleasure are able to travel up and down my spine.

 

So far, not overwhelming, but I need more practice. I also don't know if this is the right topic. And I need to finish reading the book.

[flowboy]

The brain has sensors to create subjectivity.

Not because without your senses there'd be nothing, but because there would be everything.

They are selectors.

[flowboy]

EK session 2

Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money

I may have found something this time.

Started thinking of situations where my mind says: "Oh my, I can't even buy that/afford a new this!" and where I feel really constrained and powerless.

My kundalini started acting up. Spine starts to shake. "CAN't buy this, CAN't buy that", on every CAN'T, the pleasure increases.

It becomes erotic and I play with my cock while repeating those situations. CAN't, can't, CAN't. Constrained and powerless, it makes sense. Never knew I was kinky in that way though.

 

I'm still not sure that I'm doing this right. But I will keep practicing.

[flowboy]

Just did what I had been dreading for weeks: clean up my Facebook profile so that I can use it for marketing, and make my first "value post".

In my mind this was a huge insurmountable task. Write content that is supposed to be valuable to my market? Share it where all my old friends can see? Me?

It took less than an hour in reality. Most of which was deleting pictures. I already had my first article prepared in october of 2020

But actually posting it, would be admitting that now I am a business person trying to get business.

Don't you hate those.

Those people are the worst

Edited February 27, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

You can't fully self-actualize until you've made banana-oatmeal-egg pancakes and wrapped them around frozen blueberries.

It's only a matter of time before Leo makes a video on this.

It's like an orgasm in your mouth.

You want God to cum in your mouth?

This is the way.

Edited February 27, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

EK session 3

Topic: poverty / (perceived) lack of money

Thinking of things I can't currently buy or do.

Can't rent that more expensive apartment. Can't buy the best computer. Can't, can't can't... hmmm.

I say out loud "yess...constrain me..."

it is indeed a perverted pleasure. Subtle, but real.

[flowboy]

Uploaded First YouTube Video!

I DID IT... I made an effort to finally share value with the world. Even if it is just a tiny bit.

And the sound is pretty crappy because I filmed it with a potato and edited it using a banana... But still. I just wanted to get through it. Push through the resistance.

Literally nothing was hard about it except pushing through the immense resistance that said "I'm not that kind of person!"

I got the impulse to do this and worked out the idea already about 2 weeks ago. Wrote down what I wanted to say. Tried to get the whole thing finished in one evening, but that seemed a bit ambitious.

After that, momentum was killed and I spent some time here and there learning my lines...but man, that resistance monster grew legs and arms in the mean time.

I feel victorious. I've broken through a significant mental barrier.

This calls for celebration

Edited February 28, 2021 by flowboy