Fear of the Truth

[Vercingetorix]

I see that I kinda stop pursuing spirituality - Meditation, trips. 
As in my trips, I encountered some truths that weren't much to my liking.
I didn't find Nirvana at the end of the road, I encountered things that felt true but weren't too 
special - like oh right now I remember, everything is clear, there is nothing else to understand, let's go back to life and enjoy.
So you don't really feel motivated to face this truth as I experienced that there is nothing to really see.

Another thing is this fear that I have, I think from childhood I adopted this belief that no matter how much I wished for a "happy ending" like in the stories, I don't really believe they exist. Like deep down, I "know" that I won't find what I seek - peace, redemption, love. I see that in my life, as much as everytime a new hope and dream for something good - relationship, love, success in things, at the end it doesn't work out and I return back to zero. (of course that logically I do see that I progress but emotionally it always feels the same). So emotional It's hard for me to believe in a positive truth to find in spirituality.
what can I do? maybe self inquire about what is good? what is an end? what is the truth?

[Pouya]

My advise would be, let it happen. If seeing the Truth makes you depressed, go through it. Eventually you'll come back and meditate/inquire later. For me, I have reached a point of no turning back. See if it's true for you. But why are you looking for a positive/negative truth? Maybe the Truth is much simpler that the idea of positive or negative doesn't even exist.

 

Remember the possibility that you might be deceiving yourself by emotions.

[WelcometoReality]

 

6 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

what can I do? maybe self inquire about what is good? what is an end? what is the truth?

Aren't those all thoughts?

6 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

Another thing is this fear that I have, I think from childhood I adopted this belief that no matter how much I wished for a "happy ending" like in the stories, I don't really believe they exist. Like deep down, I "know" that I won't find what I seek - peace, redemption, love. I see that in my life, as much as everytime a new hope and dream for something good - relationship, love, success in things, at the end it doesn't work out and I return back to zero. (of course that logically I do see that I progress but emotionally it always feels the same). So emotional It's hard for me to believe in a positive truth to find in spirituality.

I would inquire more into these feelings. They seem to be based around a belief that's causing you to suffer.

[ivankiss]

Do not fight fear with more fear. Love the fear.

All is well, you are doing great. Keep on.