Is this awakening?

[okulele]

For about three years I have been working very hard to get "the thing". The big goal was to get enlightened. Plans were drawn out, strategies were made as if I was going to war. So much studying, thinking, micromanaging...

And suddenly, something broke. For the past two weeks, the one who was planning and scheming, started becoming more and more blurry, transparent, insignificant. There is less and less of him. And when he does come, no power is granted to him. It's as if there is no way for him to get any power. I say him, but he is actually me, in a sense.

It is confusing. It is as if I am dying out due to lack of attention from myself.

[okulele]

The mind was not dramatically changed. It even took it a while to notice, that something changed.

So what has changed? In a way, nothing at all. The mind still has its worries and hopes. The only thing that has changed is, that the struggle is gone. And I am not even sure if that is a change since the only way I can know that this is a no-struggle-state is by remembering the state full of struggle.

The mind can go full person mode or really open and no-self, but the no-struggle-state is constant. I cannot point to it, since it's just the absence of struggle. There is nothing to point.

[okulele]

My great, noble mission was to hold onto consciousness and avoid unconsciousness at any cost. The realization was, that it is not possible not to be conscious. How could that even be a thing?

It was all a misunderstanding. I correctly assumed that being conscious is what I want, but I thought that being conscious is something else than what it actually is. I thought it is an experience of feeling open, clear. That can't be true. Consciousness must exist for me to experience the unpleasant states also. How could I experience them otherwise?

So, every time a thought saying, "this is not it" ,comes up, something knows that that's bulshit.

[okulele]

Slowly this new realization of innate peace is becoming a norm. My life is much easier, much more smooth, much more flow. Yet, there is still a fundamental part of me that is concerned with survival and seeking.

Today I grasped (probably for the first time) a simple thing that I heard many great teachers talk about. Mainly, when I wake up the ego kicks in. It is not there just before I wake up, but as soon as I do the struggle to survive begins! What a thing! Right away! I can say - "oh, today is a good morning, the struggle is not that strong!", but it is there nonetheless. All throughout the day it persists, until I finally go to sleep again. At the moment of recognition of the struggle, I tried to let it go. Obviously, I could not. That was just more struggle. How do I stop struggling for good, if whatever I do is more struggle? Can I break the habit? Can I forget how to struggle? Can I just go full blown amnesia on the struggle for survival?

Edited December 19, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

The work seems to be this: letting the insight flood every part of my experience. Going through life without avoidance, with great courage and gratitude for the opportunity to live. Being very careful to discover each hidden part of myself that is still covered in darkness. Appreciating the successes and accepting the failures with the same inner smile full of compassion.

[okulele]

Awakening doesn't solve anything. Chasing and chasing the mystical enlightenment, I realize it will not solve my issues. My issues with career, relationships, health, they are here just as they have always been. Untouched, standing in the same place with a mocking smile and a "What cha gonna do now?" on their lips.

Awakening solves everything. The issues that have plagued me for so long turn out to be nothing but ghosts. There is no issue with an issue. It's not my problem anyway, as it comes it's being sent to its original master.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Drawing on fuzzy memory of the wording of a good one liner I heard years ago, I think it goes,,,

One's relation to paradox is a barometer of one's enlightenment.

[okulele]

17 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

One's relation to paradox is a barometer of one's enlightenment.

Yes! That's what the game seems to be about!

[okulele]

Every moment is IT, regardless of what we say. What else would it be? We can be in great confusion, lost and struggling so much! But if we are honest, there is always a part of us,  deep inside smiling mischievously. Being thrilled with this joke we are playing on ourselves again. Let's admit it, folks. We are all jokers inside.

[okulele]

I have this super-persistent-doubt. I've had it for a long time. It doubts this moment, it doubts this life. However many time I see that "yes, this is fact it!", the super-persistent-doubt comes back saying, "ehhhh maybe... it's not it?". Is that what awakening is about? Proving the super-persistent-doubt wrong?

[okulele]

Who is this know-it-all inside of me? The one who knows what's right and wrong. The one who knows what other's thought?

It's not me, that's for sure. I don't know much of these things. I don't what I will say, I don't know my next move!

Just for once I'd like to see the true face of this know-it-all. Then I could judge for myself, if it truly knows it all.

[okulele]

Anything in life I can think about... is not so. It's not like this, it's not like that. There is not a way it is.

And this statement is not so either.

There is nowhere to stand. Free-fall for all!

[okulele]

It's hard to admit, but the evidence is just unshakable. There is no enlightenment coming. There is no need to seek more techniques other than just being like this. I don't need any more teachings to reach the absolute. There is no more absolute than this. Oh... it's hard to admit, but there is nothing to find.

I bet it all on the journey in, and it turns out to be empty.

Well, nothing there, that's a fact. World is waiting, I must come back.

It's time to forget the spiritual quest, and simply live my life to the very best.

[okulele]

I must tell you, dear reader, it's hard as fuck.

My old way of living doesn't work. It's outdated. And the next update is nowhere to be seen.

Anything that I used to do, I start doing and find it's fake. I am a big-ass faker, that's what I am! My entire personality is built on insecurities. All I do is fulfill some sort of fake agenda. What the fuck...

[okulele]

"Riding the Ox Home

The struggle is over! The very subtle mind is continuously present and harmoniously co-exists with the master. A dual-union between both is in place, making the master joyful, artistic, spontaneous and the best of teachers. At the end of his day of work, the Ox rides the master home. The whip is never used."

~Ten Ox-Herding Images, Wim Van Den Dungen

Edited December 31, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

How do I know, that I know? I don't know.

[okulele]

Abandoning all hope of achieving any more of God with the help of a technique, retreat, teacher, habit, book, information... anything. Nothing can bring me God. There is nothing to lean on. No place for the mind to hold on to. It is radical. It is too radical to grasp, and that is why the mind keeps grasping after other things and keeps learning that there is no satisfaction there. Keeps learning the hard way.

[okulele]

Meditation will be the end of me. The silence is drowning my words. The emptiness negates my will. It is stronger than I could ever be. It has come to take its righteous place.

[okulele]

The tricky thing is acknowledging the presence of enlightenment, but keeping the search going anyway.

It would be too soon to say - that's it, nothing more to do! Aaaand, here I would become the Zen-Devil.

It would be foolish to say - I am lost, enlightenment is somewhere in the future! Aaaand, here I would suffer and suffer and suffer.

This is it, this is what I am looking for. And I am content with looking and finding some more.

[okulele]

Every time I forget myself and selfishness creeps in,

life comes with a big slap in the face of suffering and yells: "Let go, fool!"

Edited January 15, 2019 by okulele