Becoming more aware of the anxiety and the stress

[Phill]

I am 30 years old.

I use the computer 12 hours a day every, single, day.

I make a living through coaching people online (2 hours per day) and also as a Motion Designer (6 hours per day), I work from my home, and my computer is in my bed room.

I am a perfectionist, and yes I am very aware of how much it cripples me.

When I work, I try to do the best job possible, always going beyond my limit, I care a lot about quality, I never deliver a shitty job, it must be at least decent.

I tried to meditate in the past, I couldn't, I get too agitated, I read almost everyday for 20 minutes at least. 

I make much more money than the average person, my family is middle class but I do not feel the need to buy anything else in life, I feel I exhausted that long time ago.

I love changing things in my mind, but I hate changing other things in life like re position the furniture of my room around would make stressed or changing the light of the room would also stress me.

I repeat my cloths often and also my beard style and hair, if I go buy a new t shirt, it must be the exact same size and style, otherwise I am not buying, same shit goes for my jeans. T shirts must be neutral colors grey, dark grey, black, dark blue, fuck all the other colors, I feel like a clown if I were them, I feel ridiculous even though I am very aware that it has nothing to do with ridiculous, it's just a color and a t shirt.

I cut my own hair, or ask gf to help me cut it, I do not go to the hair dresser because every time I go they cut my hair too short, feels extremely ugly right after and go into a identity crisis for days, this used to be much worse when I was younger, I can deal with it better now, still it stress me out.

Mom said that when I was young, I would puke crying in stress when people would be cutting my hair in the hairdresser. I hate changing things in me externally, but I like changing internally.

When I was young my room would be dirty and a mess, now I notice that it makes me stressed out, so I try to maintain a more clean and organized room.

I love routine, when girlfriend wants me to drive to her city and stay there a few days shit is really tough, I resist a LOT, but once I get there I get relaxed, I can notice that, and she says I become another person stress-wise.

I jog 30 minutes at least 5 days per week.

I eat healthy, meat, lots of vegetables and some carbs. I am fit.

I consume little sugar specially the refined, no drugs, not even caffeine (this shit made me very depressed last time I was consuming it often)

I love to learn and to become more aware of what things are and how they function, I love to test new ideas. I don't like studying, but I love applying what I learn.

My sleep schedule is fucked up, I go sleep at 4 am waking up at 12 pm. For the past 12 years it has been pretty much the same, in the past it was worse because one week I would be sleeping in the day, then the other week I would be sleeping at night.

I tried many types of supplements, Omega 3, Magnesium Chelate, L-Theanine, none seems to do a thing to how stressed out I feel.

I rarely socialize, I never feel the need, and I have a girlfriend too so...

I love video games, I play to relax usually 2-3 hours a day no more)

Mom and Dad take anti depressants and anxiolytics, my family has a history of depression, insomnia and anxiety, my father is an alcoholic, but the one who has a job.

I decided to try anti depressants when I was 17 years old, shit made me a zombie, I couldn't identify if I was feeling happy or sad, I would feel numb, and that numbness made me hollow/empty, had frequent suicidal thoughts at the time, so I decided to not take that route again.

My dad lives alone, very very little contact with people, he can only socialize when he drinks, I had very bad social anxiety, I do not have it anymore.

I look very similar to my dad in the mind in some aspects I can see that, when I was young, if me and my brother would start fighting, he would immediately bring us back to my mom, mom said that sometimes he would take us then 30 minutes later come back home with us, she would ask why? He would say 'they are fighting/discussing', looks like my dad couldn't handle those situations emotionally, little emotional intelligence?

I take 100% responsibility for everything in my life.

 

Now that you know some information about me, let me introduce my issue.

I am a person that lives stressed out pretty much all the time, most of my days, is suffering with big dose of anxiety and constant, obsessively questioning everything in life, I feel pain in the back, back of the neck and shoulders almost everyday for 3-4 hours a day.

Lately, I felt so stressed once I laid in the bed, I told myself, life just isn't worth if I keep living this way, I was feeling very very miserable.

I start observing more closely what types of things stress me out, and to my surprise it seems like everything stresses the shit out of me, I feel so stress out at times that, even trying to do the things that I enjoy I can't enjoy, because I am too stressed out, I am most of the time feeling overwhelmed, since this looked like a normal thing since my teen ages, I just kept going and dealing with it as it is, without questioning.

I decided I do not want anymore, to live like this, I don't want to keep feeling so much fatigue and miserable and anxious and so on.

I wanted to hear what you guys have to say about this, if any of you go through this?

I basically have only 2 moments that I can see during the days that I do not feel overwhelmed or stressed out which is:

 

1) The 1st 2 hours after I wake up, after that it becomes really tough.

2) The next hour after I go jogging.

 

Like I can still live, and work and do my stuff you know, but even my girlfriend said to me, she said: You are always angry, all the time. And she is right I am the majority of the time. I am taking 200% responsibility of this , but I just am not really sure what I am suppose to do, I can't see what are the core things in which is causing this stress. My mind can see many possibilities of why I am that much stressed out, but I do not have a method to find that.

Anybody going through the same thing or gone through the same thing in the past? I am really feeling crippled, my productivity, even though I am always forcing myself to work, is low, due to how stressed I always am, any ideas?

 

 

 

Edited October 1, 2018 by Phill

[Mu_]

Since you make a decent amount of money, I think you may find some use out of working with someone 1 on 1.  You may get good advice here, but if you can afford to try somethings like get a massage, this can help cut some of the stress out of the body if your at a critical level like it sounds you are, find a life/spirituality coach or psychologist, and stick with it for a few sessions to see what comes of it.

 

 

[Rebec]

Have you tried shadow work / inner child work? 

Maybe 'the Work' of Byron Katie can help you to self inquire. Free worksheet; http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf

[UDT]

You're stressed out because 

1) you thought you can fix your parents since they don't worry about money anymore, but it didn't happen.

2) you are a perfectionist, there is always something to do better, something you missed out on, mistakes you make, it bothers you. 

3) You need to be outside more, not only jogging, pick up a team sport, take a month off and take your GF + backpack and go to some cheap warm place