Reflections on (non)duality

[mkrksms]

Some reflections on the bipolarity of my perceived reality... call it yin/yang, sameness/distinction? Or maybe just confusion and severe mental masturbastion. I usually never post anything on internet forums and rarely shares my deepest thoughts to anyone in real life either. So I wanted to try this now. This is just freewriting, uncorrected and perhaps not fun to read for anyone.. but I will leave it that way because I usually put on a fasade in an attempt to hide my true ”worthless” nature. And my english sucks, so here goes the compulsory excuse: SORRY! And here comes the rest;

 

I have a strong aversion yet simultaneousley a strong pull towards alcohol. Same goes for my prescribed AD(H)D medication (dexamphetamine), so I’m on and off the meds because of this reason. I have a history of periodic mixed substance abuse, including alcohol, stimulants, opiats and even a quite heavy misuse of psychedelics/dissociants when I was a teenager. I didn’t take the psychedelics in ”party settings”, my intention was clearly for self-actualizing reasons and a strong urge to understand consciousness and reality. But I was very immature, scatterbrained and often acted out impulsively on my half-baked ideas. I still have this tendencies as you might see even in my difficulties with expressing my thoughts here. However.. I often had pure hellish so called bad trips but somehow I found them cathartic and worthwile. In a sense, I might even have strived after that to be honest. In one way I feel that this approach was very naive, irresponsible and caused me much suffering, severe delusions, neurotic and sometimes borderline ’psychotic’ breakdowns not only during the trips or periods of other drug (ab)use.. but even for years after. But on the other hand, I believe that going through this living nightmare has evolved my understanding of reality the most.

This somewhat paradoxical draging force towards complete chaos, suffering and horrifying mindfucks seems to be one of mind/ego’s favourite self-indulgence but at the same time the very key to dissolving itself.. While I still today often make really fucked up interpretations at first when encountering glimpses of infinity or thruth, because yeah, that’s what happens when mind comes in after a split second and tries to grasp truth... Delusion and illusion is the door to its opposite. Thruth can only be revealed through falsehood. Ofcourse it is two sides of the same coin! Disintegration implies integration. Or black implies white. Sameness vs difference. Lol.

And this is exactly what I was pointing at in i beginning of this post. I had been sober for two months, cutting of almost all social interaction this summer and working my ass off at a shitty paid temporary job, eating mostly oats and soaked beans so I can hopefully afford going on a three month yoga and meditation retreat to learn Kriya Yoga next year. But yesterday I fucked up and went out to a pub with some people. Had a big fight with my brother etc. Also made a big decision to quit out of the only social and creative community I’ve been involved with lately. Why I chose to cut it off is because it’s a distraction in some ways, partly because it easily ends up in drinking alcohol afterwards... So now I’m here, lying in my bed with a nasty hangover, hating myself for failing once again and simultaneously I’m having this weird feeling of relief. This isn’t the first time I experience too much alcohol (such as when it’s starting to create ”psychotic” flashes) working as some kind of catalyst. Creating a strange oscillation between delusion and insight, and also completly releasing emotional blockings. Last night when I came home I lyed down on the bathroom floor crying, screaming, all spastic and uncontrolled, it felt like I was going through my own birth and death over and over again. And it hurt so fucking much both emotionally and physically (which by the way became clear is the same thing, also inside/outside), yet at the same time I was clearminded and still inside. In many ways the effect was similar to some of my deepest holotropic breathwork sessions, and also some psychedelic and dissociative trips as I can remember, although they probably was stronger.. And now the hangover puts me in a mode that seems to automatically sort out and integrate the experience. Still having some sudden burts of crying.

So I have these somewhat contadictory feelings against drugs such as alcohol, and also stimulants. Drugs which is not usually regarded as helpful in raising consciousness. Although my aim is not to drink alcohol any more.. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I’m taking my ADHD meds for periods. In one way they seem like a distraction and make me less aware, but in another way they make it a lot easier for me to experience samadhi and other shifts in consciousness almost whenever I want to. Has someone else had this experience?

Thank you for reading this. I would appreaciate to hear your brutally honest reflections now. Despite my selfhate and fear of being judged or excluded by you, I somehow can sense the love between us.

edit; Fuck me, I’m a peak experience junkie.

Edited August 23, 2018 by mkrksms

[mkrksms]

No one?

[tsuki]

5 hours ago, mkrksms said:

No one?

Difficult to address anything specific in a non-specific post.
The thing that has caught my attention is that for some reason you seem to be expecting the identity to be constant. it's not.
The same 'outside' can be viewed differently because of the 'inner' lens you currently have.
It is not only that the 'outside' always changes, but the 'inside' goes all over the place as well.
Trying to find a fixed point of reference in this kaleidoscope is a challenging task.
The best thing to do here is to learn to enjoy the bumpy ride that can become unbearably still at times.
It's an acquired taste and the only reference point there is.

It is not even related to your ADHD. It is just the way it is.

[cirkussmile]

Do you have a question or only reflecting? 

[mkrksms]

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

Difficult to address anything specific in a non-specific post.
The thing that has caught my attention is that for some reason you seem to be expecting the identity to be constant. it's not.
The same 'outside' can be viewed differently because of the 'inner' lens you currently have.
It is not only that the 'outside' always changes, but the 'inside' goes all over the place as well.
Trying to find a fixed point of reference in this kaleidoscope is a challenging task.
The best thing to do here is to learn to enjoy the bumpy ride that can become unbearably still at times.
It's an acquired taste and the only reference point there is.

It is not even related to your ADHD. It is just the way it is.

Thanks for answering. Do you want to elaborate in which way I seem to expect the identity to be fixed?

 

4 hours ago, cirkussmile said:

Do you have a question or only reflecting? 

Not really I guess. I wanted to share some reflections and are curious about what thoughts/inputs might pop up for other people. Interested in whatever way that could be. Also wondering if anyone had similar experiences with non-psychedelic drugs.