Being honest about not wanting to change

[Widdle Puppy]

So for the last few weeks I have recently fallen into a sort of depression. I'm starting to become aware of this whole cycle I'm in and the desires that drive it. I'm clinging to it and I've realized that I don't really want to change. I do not want to change... but I do at the same time... I don't get it.... The cycle and neurotic aspects are something I'm holding onto and I'm just feeling stuck. Like how am I supposed to let this go and keep growing when I want to but at the same time I don't want to. I feel like I've been living a paradox lately. Leo has shot a number of videos on this experience. I'm wanting to gather more information. What do you do when you're feeling stuck and faced with this paradox about accepting yourself fully but also pushing yourself to change. Because it feels like the pushing aspect is forced neurotic behavior but the accepting is just lazy low conscious behavior. 

Another area that I feel like takes a hit but I want to improve is my meditation habit. I feel I do it lazily. I am inconsistent. I don't stick to one practice. I meditate probably 5 or 6 days a week when I want to be doing 1 hour consistently a day at the same time but it feels so forced. It's this strange paradox where it is supposed to just flow but I force myself to do it and it becomes this neurotic behavior. I'm so confused and I feel like I'm just wasting time accepting this confusion... 

Edited July 11, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[Sahil Pandit]

@Widdle Puppy Think back to some peak experiences you've had in the past... Remember how alive you felt? 

Don't let your routine stop you from getting momentum. Desires and neurosis do leech our energy, but think about what's possible outside of "this" (Your current reality/daily routine)

You're actually in a good phase, because this confusion will give you a lot of insight as to what you can fix and what you can strive towards.

 

[SpyAquamarine]

The confusion keeps you asking, so it is good. You are not stuck you are moving. 

Why don't you reduce drastically the meditation time and then increase it bit by bit once you develop a solid habit? Even if it is 5 - 10 minutes a day, the most important thing is to show up every single day, same time, same place if possible. Once it becomes like brush you teeth habit then you increase gradually.

Edited July 11, 2018 by SpyAquamarine

[Widdle Puppy]

50 minutes ago, Sahil Pandit said:

@Widdle Puppy Think back to some peak experiences you've had in the past... Remember how alive you felt? 

Don't let your routine stop you from getting momentum. Desires and neurosis do leech our energy, but think about what's possible outside of "this" (Your current reality/daily routine)

You're actually in a good phase, because this confusion will give you a lot of insight as to what you can fix and what you can strive towards.

 

I don't want to change because I'm afraid what lies outside it. I've been going deep with my personal development work and have been framing it more so in terms of spiritual growth and obtaining peace of mind and liberation. Having this as my vision makes it hard because I honestly am not sure I want to break this cycle. my entire life feels like a distraction and I don't understand what I have to do to get where I should be and I'm full of so much doubt about my process. who to trust if I'm supposed to doubt but I'm also supposed to trust? I don't understand...

Edited July 11, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[Courtney]

I’m trying to get into a meditation routine myself, and what I find is a great starting point is just recognizing this exact moment as much as possible.  I find in those moments where I bring awareness and just let myself “be”, I am happy and relaxed and carefree.  I’ve dealt with depression since I was a child, but I now am starting to see that I am much more than a sad, lost child.    

You said you were afraid of change, and of letting go, and I was too.  However, you already are everything you’re looking for.  We need to get back to our true being, before all the labels and fears and before other people and our environment created these biases that we have ingrained in our personalities.  

Changing doesn’t mean losing any part of yourself, you need to peel those layers back and be kind to yourself first and foremost.  You deserve this “change”. 

I would continue with your meditating but also don’t put so much pressure on yourself.  I’m still not at the point where I sit down for an hour and meditate, however, I will sit down a few times a day and just be silent and try and feel the awareness inside me. 

Hope this helps because you deserve to feel this freedom and love. 

 

[d0ornokey]

On 7/11/2018 at 2:31 PM, Sahil Pandit said:

You're actually in a good phase, because this confusion will give you a lot of insight as to what you can fix

 

[Guest Quanty]

I usually stop the attention of the mind and go full breath deepening kundalini, it hurts a great deal at first, but after the pain comes bliss.