Life's A Dream...So Fuck It

[AdamDiC]

Is this the beginning of something amazing? I hope so, I see the value in making this public. Gonna try to be radically honest with my self and others in this journal, and hopefully that extends outwards into my life where it really matters. This is all theory, but at least it's something.

So, goals for this journal. Well I'd like it to be the first popular journal with a swear word in the name. thought that was funny, may be poor taste but fuck it. Goals are to NOT track my habits. I think that's neurotic, I've had 5 habits going at once and i was super on top of them but now I have 0 . So I'm just gonna pick one habit I like and KNOW DEEP INSIDE THAT I NEED TO DO IT. 

A little about me: 18 year old boy from Toronto, Canada. I like music, playing and listening. Genres include: Classic/ALT/Rock, Some metal, some Hip Hop, Indie, Acoustic singersongwriter. I got into spirituality last year with Vipassana. Have done 3 retreats. 3 day, 4 day, 10 day. Going to Thailand this september with @Adam M for 3 months to study Vipassana and travel. No life purpose yet. I mess with psychadelics, have done psil. mushrooms 4 times? Good experiences. Want to drop acid soon. 

Want to write more but I have my final exam tomorrow at 9. SO goodnight. 

[AdamDiC]

I woke up this morning a bit regretful of starting this journal. A bit worried that I won’t be able to keep it up and honestly wanting to already give up. But that’s the beauty of this public thing. I’ll keep going. I’ll drop the fear.

today I want to meditate for half an hour and read some of Tara Springett’s Kundalini book. Also practice some songs for an upcoming gig. And be mindful and surrendering the whole time.

[sarapr]

1 hour ago, AdamDiC said:

I woke up this morning a bit regretful of starting this journal. A bit worried that I won’t be able to keep it up and honestly wanting to already give up. But that’s the beauty of this public thing. I’ll keep going. I’ll drop the fear.

today I want to meditate for half an hour and read some of Tara Springett’s Kundalini book. Also practice some songs for an upcoming gig. And be mindful and surrendering the whole time.

Just give up already 

(I'm in a bad mood today so just ignore me)   

Edited June 21, 2018 by sarapr

[AdamDiC]

I am here to write about my day. And the fisrt thing i want to say is that i don't want to feel like I'm writing to people. I want to do this for myself... for people to see. Like, it's a type of negative motivation, to want to get stuff done in the fear of looking bad on the forums. But it works. It keeps me accountable. So i'll just be mindful of that feeling throughout this journal.

Today:

• Had last exam at school. Enjoyable.
• Went to the gym with a friend for the first time in a few weeks. Tiring.
• Vipassana for 30 minutes, very nice. kept me mindful
• Read some Kundalini. That shit was deep. Like I had waves of recollection and regret, spirituality is hard. I stopped reading after  a dozen pages because i think thats all i can handle for 1 day. But i definitely think i have slight kundalini syndrome. I had a peak experience and then crashed hard. Currently have intense neck pains. 
• Another 30 minute vipassana. A bit more distracted. Racy and lost. but all good.
• tried to read a bit more.

I think i need a purpose for this journal(and life). Like i want to be passionate about it. Not just ramble about my day. I GOT IT. I just won't care what people think ab it. I'll just say what's on my mind and be passionate about it. Like this.

So today was cool. It was a good day, have'nt had one in months. I feel better. But I've felt better before, and then you drop back down to the dumps of your unconscious mind. SOOOOO that's why i made this lol. Leo told me i was doing great for my position and recomended a Kriya practice. I appreciated that. I'm tryna focus on Kriya now. 

I don't think i'll ever be satisfied by these journals, I'll never get everything out of my head. Baby steps adam. Baby. Steps.

[AdamDiC]

@sarapr 

Ok 

[AdamDiC]

Everytime I feel bad like quiting I'm just going to come here and be reminded of the path and all these other amazing people.

I realized today that my life is mastery. A huge part of my purpose is to master myself and all aspects of being human. So i jsut have to get used to doing hardwork, feeling uncomfortable, wanting to quit, doubting myself, worrying, and being lost/confused. These things are normal when you are constantly questioning your reality and motives. When you're trying to live a better life, a one founded on passion and authenitcity. It's a rocky road but it's the only one I want to travel. What the fuck is everyone else doing. God damnit I have to be a leader. I have to lead myself and be confident in my path, because no one else will. I got this. Peace and love. :))

Quote:

"Make the uncomfortable, comfortable"  

 

[AdamDiC]

I need to focus a lot more also. Like I want to pick a few habits and master them. Sacrifice my life to them. See if they work, or what happens. 

I usually start the day off with an ice cold shower with an Osho breathing technique. I'm not sure if i want to be stric about that one, because sometimes i am not home and can't shower. But also because it just puts more pressure on me to keep another habit.... No what fuck it. FUUUUCK it.

My habits as of now:

Cold shower in the morning.

Min. 30 Max. 60 min of Vipassana.

That's it. Thats. All I want to be strict about for now. If i do these 2 i usually end up reading. But I've never made reading a habit so i'm just gonna chill.

Habits I deeply feel I need to install in the next week:

Making a priority list in the morning of what to do with the day. These feel over/underwhelming sometimes but honestly they help. I'm not gonna put down my habits because i know im going to do them. I'm gonna write other things in which I shall acheive.

Visualization. I've always wanted to do this ontop of affirmatiosn but i've always avoided doing it because it felt so basic self-actualization. But i realized i am not above any exercise. One can become blind to the benefits of mainstream self-help once you get into spirituality. At least that's what i thought. but it actaully works the other way around. Spirituality actually reveals all of your flaws to you which mainstream self-help is perfect for. Anywyay i want to visualize me being loving, open, confident, grounded, focused, and alive. Just me performing at peak experience. Like post-retreat, peak mushroom Adam!

Habits I wish to install in the next 1-2 months:

Fuckin' Kriya Yoga eh?

Ya i'm down to mudhra it up or something. I got the books. just want a good understanding of what i'm doing before i start messing with my kundalini and chakras. I don't know what to expect.

Why habits are so important?

In today's day in age, there is no focus, no mastery or goals in the minds of many. everydays just a fuckfest of hedonism and ego. So habits centre you, they tame your ego and discipline your physche. You know you have to do that one thing everyday, and when you do it feels good. You start feeling worth in the practice, not that it has physical value but the worth is in you being focused and learning an art. Eventually when your days are so filled with awesome habits you begin to feel as if you aren't really "living" the same life. Your habits take up so much time in your day that your experience of your life changes. Theres less "you" in your life, and more of your habits. More meditating, working out, reading, socializing, eating healthy that you begin to lose your old self and your habits shape you into a new being. Amazing right! The phase in the middle may seem scary to some, half the day is habits, and half the day is entertainment, meaningless action, or distraction. you may begin to question what you have been doing your whole life! but don't be afraid, keep practicing and you'll transform yourself into a new and improved being. Have faith in your habits, it's just one day at a time, one moment.

 

[AdamDiC]

Here's a recent video of Paul McCartney returning to visit his home town. It's an awesome video if you're a beatles fan. 

I don't think we understand the impact this guy had on music. His massive life purpose changed the world. He's a master musician and inspiration to all.

Watch it!!

Paul McCartney and James Cordon

 

[AdamDiC]

Today was a cool dayo. 

Habits were in check which made way for a productive day.

A few cool insights. I have no say in my life anymore. Spirituality has got me, I'm its puppet now. An instrument of good will. I was reading Enlightenment Through the Path of Kundalini and it basically sums up my position very well. 

August 24- September 4 I did a 10 day vipassana retreat and experienced a minor awakening and a shift of energy surged through my body. It also helped that I was 2 months into NoFap so i had ALOT of stored energy. (a part of kundalini is sexual essence). But basically what the book says is that once kundalini (awareness) is awakened, it must be used benevolently or else it will make your life living hell. Which mine has been. And it all makes PERFECT sense. Whenever i go against my intuition to love and share my joy, whenever i fear opening up, pain emerges in my neck, tension builds up, and i seek unconsciousness through petty distraction and entertainment. See i have this energy lets say at %10 and it must be put to use. But i experienced that energy at a peak experience, everything was amazing, i was whole. But my default position for self-actualization is like a %5. so i need to take action to get myself that %5. My highest realization must be in integrity with my life. or else i am living a lie.

Basically: awakening = energy + awareness of my own impurities = motivation to change OR fear of change = smooth energy transition OR painful energy transition.

i have been taking the painful one. And life is hell. I have a lot of growing ahead. and it sucks. but i know it will be worth it and life will be amazing again.

Oh and I'm going on another 10-day Vipassana retreat June 30 - July 11. Yay?!? Night. Love Y'all.

[AdamDiC]

Missed a meditation yesterday. Felt bad but let it go. But now im procrastinating doing it today. Ego is tricky. I'm tricky. Whenever i read deep relatable spiritual texts i get tired and feel a sense of avoidance rising within me, it's kinda funny.

Anyway. I just can't wrap my head around how my veiw on life is changing. I can't keep living for the future, and I can't keep believing that eventaully self-help and spirituality will end. Or that there's just one more hill up ahead and then paradise. I don't want to see it as a never ending painful journey either. I just want to not care about what i am doing, or where i am going. THIS IS IT. 

But i am not ready to make that commitment yet, to embrace life fully, so i keep suffering and learning. It's ok. this is a pretty negative mindset.

But I like exposing my flaws or spiritual impurities. I noticed that I cling to the idea of me being young and "successful". When i see other people older than me at my level or below i get a boost in confidence, and when i see people my age doing amazing things i feel inferior and weak. Probably cause i get my worth from others and not myself. Self-acceptance. But how can you accept yourself when you know you can be doing 1000x better. If everyday you achieve below average it's tough to love yourself. It sounds silly but it happens to be true inside my head.

I have to sacrifice my life to path. The path is my life. Accept it.

[AdamDiC]

Some meditations just humble you. The ability to surrender your ego, to be humble in the face of truth is priceless. Life is beautiful when you are aware of your place in it. You are not the centre, you are a just a piece. It's ok, accept it. 

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. thats the basis for doubt. Because all knowing is founded on the belief that knowledge exists. So i guess when you are confronted with the experience of doubt, just accept it and see where to go from there.

These nights are rare. Full of love and acceptance, there's still a hint of fear but whatever it's just my ego projecting.

i love life and all it's bliss and misery. 

the name of this diary still bothers me, i regret putting fuck in it because i don't want people to think poorly of me. i'll try to let it go but really i don't like it.

goodnight. love u zel

[AdamDiC]

I got bit by a wasp today, right on the face of my index finger. Maybe it's the universe telling me to stop looking at the finger pointing to the moon. I need to act instead of theorizing or thinking. I also guess that's karma.

realized that I should take some time before I start my Kriya practice. My ego is too big, my life is too dishonest and unauthentic. I am very self-critical, and judgemental. I am finally aware of the huge pile of shit under my nose that i refuse to clean up. Luckily I have a lifetime to clean it up. One day at a time.

Like I said before, my last Vipassana retreat opened up my heart and life force, thus increasing my awareness. 8 months later i am here and i am just learning now what i was running away from. 8 months later i still can't cope with my unhealthy mind, and i am afraid to act on revealing my unconscious mind, supressed anger, and childhood traumas. SO i am going on another retreat in 5 days to hopefully not realize how much more work needs to be done, but be grounded enough to act on what i know. i want to be stuck to the present moment and detached from my thoughts.Retreats are perfect for that. I am just scared that i'll awaken more kundalini during the retreat which will magnify my resistance to truth. ISNT THAT FUCKING AWESOME, Like c'mon! Kundalini is literally pulling you towardds truth in every aspect of your life, but if you resist the changes and surrendering of your attachments you and your massive ego will suffer... obviously. "the ego is the source of all suffering" - every buddhist ever. If I only understood that quote fully, maybe I would take massive action everyday? Maybe, If I knew that it would all workout in the end, that you have to go through emotional labour to reach enlightenment.  love is the answer, all-pervading, accepting love.