Weird Relationship To Parents

[Guest]

I am 26 years old. About to finish my bachelor degree. I am a little weird. I never really got the power to work. I blame my parents for being a rather introverted character and being afraid of too many things in life. So basically I was financially supported by my parents all the time. Not much. But just so that I could buy food not to starve. Still the only thing I feel for my parents is blame. Whenever they tried to limit my view on life I felt total anger. It was okay to gossip a little bit. But when we talked about work ethic and stuff it usually ended with arguing. I know that I behaved very bad. Because it is important to build up a healthy work ethic. Still I just feel this huge anger. Because when I express all the feelings that I have for my parents it is mostly negative. They never really motivated me. They were just there to tell me what I am doing wrong. This negative attitude was permanently there. Only sometimes a positive glimpse of something. But it is just way to little for me to have a positive attitude towards them. I feel weak. I feel like they drained my life purpose throughout my life. Soon I hope I will be leaving the house for ever (I was in a living community for like 5 years, when I was studying). Now I am back at home because I can't afford the rent and I don't want my parents to support me with that. I am writing my bachelor degree now. I don't have anything in common with my parents. They usually told me that: "A normal person wouldn't do what you do. Ask most of the people if that is okay what you do, they will tell it is not okay!" Also stuff like, when friends visit us then my mother usually makes fun of me or degrades me eventhough it is not funny. Always having the feeling that I disappoint my parents in every way because my career is bullshit. Also some stupid superficial behaviour like always buying clothes of the coolest brands when they are for "sale" eventhough we are totally middle class. They watch tv, they don't do sports. They don't give me the feeling that they have a great life. But this is just opinions and I will not argue about their life choices. I just don't know how I should behave towards my parents. It is one of the things that I had to write down. In the end I know what to do. But I need your feedback just to make me feel better, so that this bullshit leaves my brain finally.  Of course I wasn't always a good person. I lied to them about my studies. They always asked me how I am doing and this got me angry so I started lying. Telling them that I was about to finish my last exam even though there were still many left. When I had my last exam in front of me I was just sick of this charade and told them the truth.

[Anicko]

You need to let go of blaming your parents. It's time to grow up. 

Your parents did the best they could with what they knew, understood, believed and had. There is ultimately no right or wrong in that. You can't move on and do better if you don't understand that. 

[Nathalie]

@wasabelll I think I have a good quote about this

Ram Das said:

"if you think you are enlightened go and spend a week with your family"

But what if you take them as the best spiritual teacher you can met.. You can learn so much about yourself:

- You can observe the emotions that come up

- You can try different options as reactions of what they say and feel

- Meanwhile you can feeel what happens in your body by doing so

- Breath and feel it conscientiously (in and out and how deep and quickly or slowly you breath)

You can become very creative . For my part in such situations the worst is to still stuck in the same situations over and over again. It is surely harder to take the full responsability for all what happens arround you, but I think it's the only opportunity you have in order to change this issue.

 

[Donald]

@wasabelll The very first step is to take 100 % responsibility for your life , do not blame external circumstances. 

That being said doesn't mean that your parents don't have anything to do with it . 

7 hours ago, wasabelll said:

They never really motivated me. They were just there to tell me what I am doing wrong.

Maybe you have narcissistic parents hence they cannot define their ego boundaries and lack of empathy.  So whenever you did something good and wich needed to be praised , they simply failed in responding/reading to your emotions and criticised you for no reason whatsoever. Or when you did something wrong they praised you  instead of constructive criticism. 

Parents more often than not are dogmatic , rigid and have a " tunnel vision " about reality.  

But you also are a product of that " tunnel vision " I suppose that deep down you think that every one will be unresponsive to your needs  ( just like your parents did ) . The best thing for you is to rearrange and doubt the map of reality that you have from the past ( childhood ) , that map is outdated . The childhood map of reality will not fit your needs of adulthood. That simple mindset change will make you feel better. 

Hope that my ideas will be helpful !!!

[Guest]

Hi there, 

It sounds like you had a rough deal.

You're aware of your feelings towards your parents, and  from just reading your side of the story I think your feelings are justified.

A childhood of power struggles and criticism have huge detrimental effects, probably more than you are completely aware of at the moment.

One of the negative effects of a home environment like this is a low emotional literacy:  You said you "feel" blame for your parents.  But blame is not strictly an emotion, it's actually a passive aggression.  Something that you may have adopted having being exposed to the hostility you grew up around.

What I suggest you do is take some time to look up alternative modes of communication.  Research the difference between aggressive, passive aggressive and assertive behaviours.  I'm positive this will benefit you hugely.

Also, read some material on dysfunctional parenting / families.  It's normally a very difficult read for a large percentage of us, but as you are here and seem to have a genuine interest in personal growth,  if you follow through I guarantee you that it will help you in ways you won't believe are possible.

When you feel you have good a good understanding of what happened in your family, and you have mastered assertiveness skills, then approach the topic with your parents.  Ask them if they would be prepared to listen to your side and how you feel.

If they both agree, then go ahead and express your opinions and feelings openly and assertively.  

Don't approach this until you are ready.

If you learn how to master this vital life skill I assure you that the pressure (anger) you internalised will be discharged and you will be able to move on with your life, and with your parents, without blame or shame.

If you have any questions or need materials on assertive communications just let me know and I'll be happy to help.

I hope things work out for you

Edited March 8, 2016 by Nomad

[Ajax]

I really can't sympothize with you. If you knew how much time,effort, money and heart-break it took to raise you I am sure you would be much more tolerant and forgiving of them.

Entitled spoiled brat comes to mind. My parents kicked me out at 19!

Maybe they are treating you like a kid. Well you are still a kid and you hate that, so you are putting that blame on your parents because you are not man enough to be self sufficient.

Work on independence, then maybe your bullshit issues will go away.

[Guest]

Thank you for your feedback. It is okay to call me a spoiled brat. I just wanted to know how my situation looks like from your perspective. I will work on every aspect and become better.

[Niki]

Wasabelll,

first of all I understand you. Everyone here who commented wanted to help you out. I believe they don't truly understand the place you are coming from. Therefore take seriously what Nomad said to perhaps do some of it now, some of it later in life, everything else especially the advice of learning from and with your parents about your/their emotions - that is just one big no, no!! That is an excellent advice actually. Unfortunately that advice isn't for a person in your situation, it's better to baby step something and than go to some hard-core methods. Not everyone is in the same place when it comes to actualizing.

Do everything you can to move away from your parents for starters. From there you can build up your relationship with them (if that is what you want) and from there you can build up a relationship with yourself by baby stepping it. You staying with them and trying to work on your issues from there is like me choosing to build up myself to be a better parent by going to an Islamic country and fighting a war because that will strengthen me and teach me how to protect my kids! That is ridiculous. I wouldn't have what it takes to survive in that war. Not everyone has the same background and that is okay. Your family is your source of your greatest suffering. It's like you are in a war zone there. Don't try to work on yourself there, first of all get your little butt out of the war zone!!!!!!!!!  I understand how difficult it is for you now that you are back, I feel for you and I empathize with you. If you want to grow, set yourself in an environment that isn't as toxic as yours.

Here and there you can write stuff down when you recognize a spot that needs to be worked on (when you feel pissed etc.) or reading material that Nomad suggested, that is excellent as well. Do not burden yourself with trying to work on that, simply pin point stuff you can work on once you are out of your war zone! For you walking away from there is going to be a challenge. Everything else (including dabbling in self help work) is just going to be a distraction from doing that.

This is my opinion. If you want I can elaborate more.

[Anna]

I can totally relate. Basically this is how my parents behaved too. It always made me feel like I'm never enough. Everything had to be perfect.

Best example:

Dad: "You have 98/100 points. Look what mistakes you've made!"

Me: "Dad, I have the best mark I could achieve!"

Dad: "Well, but you made mistakes..."

Me: ""

Everything got worse in puberty. Oh man... *facepalm*

Finally it's over and I live in another city. I talked to my mum about the past and explained to her what could have been better. So the whole situation relaxed when I left their house and moved.

As you can see I understand what's going on in your head, but stop blaming them. They still love you and did the best they could. You are aware of the aspects you don't like about their behavior, that's a good thing! You made some uncomfortable experiences, but use it and create a better behavior. I guess you are on a good track.

[Guest]

@Niki Hi Niki, 

You have made some excellent points here.  I agree it's vital to remove one's self from the situation in order to get a sense of independence back.  When I moved away from home it took me 15 years to come to terms with what happened in my family, and it's only recently since 2014 that I had the guts to discuss the issues with my parents.  They were (and still are to a great extent) in denial about the whole situation, they know about it all intellectually but they are not prepared to face the reality of what happened.  It's a tough one, especially as they end up making you feel like you're the crazy one!  It takes a lot of work and core strength to do this kind of confrontation, and I salute anybody brave enough to travel this path to authenticity! 

Thank you for your comment!

[Niki]

@Nomad Hi Nomad!

Understanding something intellectually has no value whatsoever when it comes to actualizing. When you understand something from the "I" perspective, and admit to yourself "I feel", "I behave" like this and that.. facing reality.. that's growth. Well done for your work so far.

I feel like sharing smth about my relationship with my parents. I thought that while I am on a path of change I will bring them up and transform our relationship. I have inspired some changes in their lives, but only to some point. I was foolish to think that I will have an excellent relationship with them. The truth is, once you set up some changes, they can't really follow, because they are still playing their own games, they haven't come to their source of suffering, they are still in pain and I can't help them.

[Guest]

One of the first things that got me into this self development was a speech by jiddu krishnamurti. He said: "To understand is to transform what is." He also said something about: "there is no teacher, no pupil, no master, no leader. You are everything." This helped me a lot. Somehow I lost track of it. As long as I was on track I felt like in trance. It is time to get up on it. I will transform the way I communicate with my parents simply by expressing my feelings in most situations.

 

[Guest]

@wasabelll There is a ton more other resources on the channel by the way

 

http://selfleadership.org/evidence-based-practice.html

[sjonesartist]

On 3/8/2016 at 9:20 AM, wasabelll said:

 They usually told me that: "A normal person wouldn't do what you do. Ask most of the people if that is okay what you do, they will tell it is not okay!" Also stuff like, when friends visit us then my mother usually makes fun of me or degrades me even though it is not funny.

This is really upsetting to me.  As a parent, I couldn't imagine degrading my child, or making fun of them.    If you think of your friendships, if a friend treated you like this, I would think you would not stay friends with that person, but what can you do when its your parent??  you can't leave your house as a child??  I know this is a 'self help' site, but just curious, have you ever gotten any type of therapy about this?  Maybe if you did, you wouldn't be worried about pleasing them in the future.  (I'm thinking you are worried about pleasing them because you felt the need to fib about exams etc, not wanting to upset them or have negative feed back from them.)

[sjonesartist]

On 3/9/2016 at 7:37 AM, Anna said:

itsI can totally relate. Basically this is how my parents behaved too. It always made me feel like I'm never enough. Everything had to be perfect.

Best example:

Dad: "You have 98/100 points. Look what mistakes you've made!"

Me: "Dad, I have the best mark I could achieve!"

Dad: "Well, but you made mistakes..."

Me: ""

Everything got worse in puberty. Oh man... *facepalm*

Finally it's over and I live in another city. I talked to my mum about the past and explained to her what could have been better. So the whole situation relaxed when I left their house and moved.

As you can see I understand what's going on in your head, but stop blaming them. They still love you and did the best they could. You are aware of the aspects you don't like about their behavior, that's a good thing! You made some uncomfortable experiences, but use it and create a better behavior. I guess you are on a good track.

man, this is sooooo sad!!!  As a parent, I just don't get this... pointing out faults instead of rewarding the great behavior.

Like, if this was me, if my son had a 98/100, I'd be like: Wow, thats great, an 80 would have been average, you scored well

above average and I'm very proud of you!  MAYBE something about, did you look at which one you missed? Did you know

you were going to get that one wrong when you were answering it? can you remember that problem now? Is there anything I can

do to help you study?

I just don't get the parental mentality of pointing out faults, like this INSTEAD of praising achievements.

I remember kids in highschool saying, 'Oh, I didn't get an 'A' my parents are going to KILL me'.   really??? they are going to kill you?

I don't know ... sorry if I'm babbling,   I guess I'm saying, be proud of your 98!!  Don't worry about pleasing someone that only puts you down.

[dystopia]

Yeah, my mom has always been the same way. No positive reincforment or support, just criticism and patronizing. Their generation was raised before most people knew the harmful long term affects you have on your kids, I guess. The funny thing is, my mom has a good relationship with her mom but she doesn't even think of how I feel (not having a supportive parent). It is what it is. You have to accept that they do their best & try to do better than they did, if you ever have kids. You're not going to change them now. People only change when they want to. The only thing you can do is let go of the anger you have towards them. It does nothing to serve you. Just do what you think is best for you and love them anyways. 

[Anna]

@sjonesartist You got it.

Besides this stupid behavior, this shit made me physically and mentally ill. It's hard to restructure your mind when you finally realize this is just hypercritical bullshit.

 

[sjonesartist]

@Anna so very sad.  sorry you went through, and are living with this. 

[Shantanu]

You have gone through a lot.  You also know that blaming them in not going to solve your problems. 

Best thing you can do is, tell them what you feel, let them know. This will take big burden off your shoulders. They'll also realize that efforts are needed from their side too. This way you'll reduce blaming them and victimizing yourself. 

Also thing along these lines:

Most parents are not conscious about their behaviours towards their children. They generally do their best of their abilities to raise a child.

Many people just get into marriage, have children. They are unaware about skills needed to raise a child, they are inexperienced as you and me. 

 

Best one can do is to stop torturing self of inabilities of others. Let them know what you feel, share your dreams or future vision, ask their honest support and move on. This is the only thing you can do. Now they may give their support or they may not. It should not bother you much. You are on your own in the life's journey. You'll be glad that you did your part and moved on.  

 

[Will]

On 2016-3-11 at 6:03 AM, sjonesartist said:

man, this is sooooo sad!!!  As a parent, I just don't get this... pointing out faults instead of rewarding the great behavior.

I think its easy to do.. as we all think our perception is correct.. obviously the above case is pretty extreme but to some degree we all do this.. we think we are helping our kids by giving them our baseless knowledge.. and it is essentially baseless.. I am not saying dont try to instill things into your kids . i think a bit of humility is required to be very aware that what we do try to pass on is baseless and we are just trying to do the best we can with what we understand...

I think using the word sad is a reflection of a internal judgement that one person knows better than another..

I prefer to think that wow thats an interesting flavour of a point of view that contributes to the universe as a whole..

People usually come back with replies like, you think hitler was good? and I giggle a bit.. Cos i realise that it was what it was and created all we have today and I would never want anything else different..

 

It may be more helpfull to let things be as they are..

Although I have not worked out how to act yet soo.. This is what I am trying to come to grips with now.. At the moment I respond pretty randomly.. Im not sure if this is ideal.. But one thing I have realise for myself, is that leave the external world as it is.. Or at least as much as you can..

 

Work in progress..

 

Thoughts??