Let's settle this, bugs!

[okulele]

Stress

Stress is a tricky thing. The big anxiety type of stress is surprisingly the easy one to deal with. It is right here in our awareness we cannot miss it. It just gets worked through, it passes in a bit.

The dangerous type of stress is the subtle one, which keeps on going and is very hard to notice. The only actual evidence of its presence is the loss of our connection to ourselves. Life experience is not as intimate as it could be. We are stuck in very subtle thought patterns and although we sort of can see that they are there, on another level we don't really realize what they are.

At this point we need... we need... I guess I would call it grace. I think there is nothing the ego-self can do to get out of its own suffering. It likes to think that that there is, but there cannot be. The ego-self just does not realize, that it itself doesn't have much reality to it! It is not bad, it is not trying to hurt us deliberately, it simply cannot know. It has no power to know, since it is just a bunch of noises.

Edited May 19, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

The world of pain

There is pain in this world. There is violence in this reality. I see violence and it hurts me so much. I see injustice and its as if I was stabbed in my heart. It hurts so much, so much! It hurts so much to see others be the objects of injustice. They do not deserve that!  Why can't violence stop? Why is there so much pain? Why do we hurt each other? How can I be so fortunate if others hurt so much?

[okulele]

The liberating pain of compassion

"Your mouth is smiling,

but your face is tense.

You're saying jokes,

but your jaw is clenched.

You try to hide it,

your eyes say it all.

You are hurting inside,

about to fall.

 

No need to explain,

no need to be sorry.

I'll hurt with you,

and forget my story.

 

There is no you,

there is no me.

Only the pain,

which makes us see...

...we are one."

[okulele]

EFT

What topics am I planning to do my EFT during my daily tapping?

• Consciousness
  • breath
• Health
  • Anti-fungal diet
  • mindful eating
  • workout
• Knowledge
  • expanding my horizons
• Work
  • how can I contribute?
• Finances
• Relationships
  • seeing others' value
  • intimate relationship
• Playfulness
• Love

 

[okulele]

Morning sitting

"Something in me has stopped,

 all is welcome to be.

 Never knew I was moving,

 now I feel free,

 because I've stopped."

Edited May 21, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

Addiction

I see no string, but the pull is real.

 

- I want it now,

~ I can't let it happen.

- Please give it to me.

~ Don't you let that fool have his way!

- Why, can't you let me have it?

~ You can stop it! You are the boss!

 

Who is even arguing?

[okulele]

Investigating my habits

My eating habit is out of control. I have been saying to myself that it is ego-backlash. And maybe it is, but that does not mean that I can give up responsibility for it. Let's drop this victim mindset.

The Story:

The boy has been figuring out his diet for a looong time now. There were times of eating vegetarian, vegan, different types of fasting... all sorts of things. All in all, his relationship with food has not been too healthy. A very neurotic side of himself has been showing up in this domain. Lately he started a new "diet". It is a diet he calls the Anti-fungal diet. It basically means cutting all sugar and grains. That was a big step forwards according to him, he felt better, he saw improvement. However, the eating devil inside of him did not give up for long. The craving was very real. A habit which was developed long ago kept going. What habit? When the evening comes, instead of going to sleep to be his best in the morning, he secretly and full of shame takes up snacks to his room and binges on them while watching anime. It is even hard for him to write this. The shame is very real. What is the downside? He does not get as much sleep as needed. He fills himself up with garbage (even sugar at times). His tummy is constantly full and his body is not functioning as well as it should. He tried to stop so many times, believe me. It seems impossible. Yet here he is again. Willing to investigate one more time.

The Plan:

You have 6 more days until you leave this place! Let's use this time for conducting a challenge. Let's call it - "The Brave Investigation Challenge".

What is the goal? Instead of giving in to your habit of binging on food and media in the evening, you will sit and investigate what comes up.

What are the rules? 3 meals a day. No snacking in between. You will eat your last meal before 18.00. You will not use your computer after 20.00.

What are the tools? Meditation. Breathing. Scanning the body. If needed use EFT and bodywork.

For the next 6 days, you will write a post regarding this challenge and summarizing the experience briefly.

The Vision

By going through this challenge successfully, my health and well being will improve right away.

Also, the investigation will lead me to greater understanding of the root of the issue, possibly to letting go of this habit all together. 

I will clean my body before the upcoming Bufo Alvarius ceremony.

It is a continuation of my Anti-fungal diet, as the evening habit got me eating sugar quite often.

In time, I will accustom to eating less and adopting some sort of intermediate fasting lifestyle.

 

Let's settle this, bugs!

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 1/6

Not so bad. There was some fear throughout the day of failing to make it, but I met it with awareness and excitement. I knew that the fear is exactly what I need to feel. It is part of the addiction after all. It received plenty "I love you"s from me. And it felt good.

In the evening I meditated for about an hour. I paid a lot of attention to my body sensations. There is something going on in the throat area. It's big and it's coming out soon, I'm sure.

While lying down to sleep and relaxing deeply a ton of sensations came up in the body again. If I remember correctly - brow, throat, crotch - were particularly strong.

The night was... different. A lot of purging I would say. Without the usual comfort of food in my stomach, I felt a lot of emotions as I was waking up for moments at night. And the dreams, man, the dreams...

Overall, very good! Thank you, dear Universe!

[okulele]

Defeat

I feel dirty and weak. But I still choose to love and accept myself.

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 2/6

Yesterday, I failed. Let me share what happened.

On day one, the determination was strong. it was easy to through with this. The day after day one (yesterday) was amazing. I felt great. Energized, feeling healthy and strong. However, soon after my usual routine morning the afternoon came and with this the feelings of unease and restlessness. The fear that I might give into the cravings again. Basically I meditated the whole afternoon through with occasional breaks. When I was deeply in my body, I had more or less "control" of my cravings. More precisely to say would be, I was aware of them and they couldn't touch me. At some point though, it got the better of me. I don't know how. I think I gave up.

It's a very strange thing. why id I give up? What was so bad about simply sitting there doing nothing?

Some part of me just cannot accept going to sleep in the evening without creating the drama of addiction. Some part of me just cannot stand the stillness of awareness all day long. So it creates a show. This whole addiction thing is just a play to give me a reason to struggle, worry and thus go unconscious.

As much my unconsciousness is causing my addiction as my addiction is causing my unconsciousness.

Ok, the battle was lost, but the war is ours! Let's go on!

The plan

I will not give in to my cravings. I will not comply this time. I will stay aware of these patterns. I CAN do it. Even though I have to go to sleep with my mind torturing me and trying to hurt me really bad, I know it cannot touch me. I am far beyond that kind of fear now.

I will have only 3 meals a day (possibly I will skip breakfast as I am not hungry after the evening binge). The last meal will be before 18 o'clock.

The computer will be shut of after 20 o'clock.

I am prepared for emotional labor. In fact,  I welcome it. I can't wait to feel the suffering. Come at me bro

My motivation

Every time I continue with this, the habit gets stronger. I CAN break it. I have the power.

It will change so much! THIS is the biggest thing holding me back right now. It fucks me physically, mentally and effects basically every part of my life. Most importantly, it directly undermines my pursuit of consciousness. It is the ego's sneaky way of fighting back.

I want to stay clean before my Bufo Alvarius ceremony.

... and I took up the challenge after all! This means something and I will go through with it.

[okulele]

Addiction work

Addiction is a part of being human. There is nothing shameful about it. It is what it is.

Want a tip on how to overcome your addiction? Instead of seeing it as a dirty, bad habit that you need to get rid of and ought to be ashamed of see it as an amazing opportunity. Opportunity for growth. This slight change in perspective is all you need to deal with your addiction. Keep this perspective, keep it well, and very soon you will let go of your addiction to emerge at the other end, where new possibilities lie.

[okulele]

Welcoming addiction

"The pain is back,

 I am grateful.

 It hurts me deeply,

 I say thank you.

The mind is brutal,

 I'm wide open.

 Nothing can make

 my heart close in."

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 3/6

Yesterday evening (that's when the cravings come in) was confusing to say the least. I was working on my computer and got lost in it. When I came back, I noticed something was off. I could not figure out what was not right for a while. Then it hit me. I was not feeling. I was feeling nothing. No emotion, no nothing, blank. I was sort of dead inside.

Since I decided not to stuff down my feelings with food, it looks like I automatically disengaged from my body, to keep myself safe from the pain! Slowly by scanning my boy and doing light bodywork, I got back to my body. It was very eye-opening. I realized that probably a lot of people live in this miserable state. Far away from their bodies and emotions to keep themselves safe. What a tragedy. I feel with them, I really do. It's better to suffer the worst pain, than to die inside and refuse to feel. That's what I think.

Cold shower got me back inside really well and I got the urge to do some journaling. That was a good decision. It felt so good. It felt so wonderful. I got a big release with this. Crying and making all kinds of stupid faces and noises I didn't know I could

In the end, just before going to sleep I still felt very small, weak and vulnerable tough. In times like these, I like to watch Mooji. He is a real father figure. It is a little awkward for me to even right it here, but there is a part in me, which feels like a little child and wants to be told by the likes of Mooji that all will be ok.

Thank you Mooji for this!

This was a success then! Let's do it today also!

[okulele]

The Wonder of Reality

This. This right here. I call it reality. I assume you have one too. You are looking at it. And hearing it. And feeling. It is infinite. It is ever-changing.

 

Maybe you think it is not infinite, or maybe you think you are not perceiving the infinity. That is where you are wrong. It is infinite. Always. Even when you think it is not. Don't  believe me? Here, a quick exercise.

The Fingernail Exercise

Look at your fingernail. Take your time. One minute is quite ok. Look and look. Look some more. There is still more to it. And look more, there is still more, you have not seen it all. And some more. Get it? It does not end. It is infinite.

You are seeing infinity in the finite! That is what it is. Get it into your head.

 

Maybe you think it is not ever-changing, or maybe you think you are not perceiving it's ever-changing quality? Maybe you think there is a physical, stable part of reality? No. There is nothing like that. It is ever-changing. And you are experiencing it, even when you believe otherwise. Don't  believe me? Here, a quick exercise.

Your Surroundings Exercise

Look around you. Look at reality. If it is physical and stable, you should be able to focus in on something  and keep your attention there. Can you actually do it? Can you find one point, one image, where you can hold your attention because it is stable? Or is it always moving, ever-changing for you, like for me. Don't fool yourself, look really close and try really hard. No. There is nothing stable. Nothing to hold on to in reality. It is ever-changing.

[okulele]

The Boy Who Could Not Move

"He's sitting scared,

 he's sitting frightened.

 Can't go forward,

 can't go backwards.

 Backwards - misery,

 backwards is safe.

 Forwards - beauty,

 forwards is death."

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 4/6

Yesterday was a success. I did not complete the challenge. I ended up eating in the evening and watching anime too, but it was a success nonetheless.

Firstly, I ate no sugar. I ate some sunflower seeds and I feel good this morning. Secondly, I got a good look into the mechanics of what is going on with my addiction.

What a strange evening it was! There was nothing for me to do, but watch lovingly the struggle between the addicted part of my mind and the determined to stop it part. I was no longer identified with either of them, I was not cheering for one. I was curious how it is going to turn out. In it turned out well. Not how I imagined it, but it turned out in the healthiest way possible I think. A consensus of a sort took place, and there was a peaceful situation inside of me. This allowed the process to be in the light of awareness and made it that more beneficial and healthy.

Thank you! Thank you for the opportunity to go through this. I feel very grateful for my addiction, my struggle and all the confusion I am facing. Thank you, Universe!

[okulele]

To-Do List

• Find the border between me and the world

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 5/6

Yesterday was a very exciting day. A whole new world opened up for me. My consciousness ventured into new territories revealing new, amazing possibilities. What is actually possible? I don't know. I have been greatly underestimating how important it is up to now. How many more believes do I have blocking me from seeing other amazing possibilities? 

With that stuff happening I almost forgot about my challenge. I had some sunflower seeds in the evening again, but somehow it brought no comfort and really no comfort was needed. I had a few "bites" and gave up. So it was a success again. I did not eat sugar or grains, that is maintaining my anti-fungal diet, and I did not binge in the evening, which was the purpose of the challenge.

Good one, okulele!

[okulele]

The Brave Investigation Challenge 6/6

Yesterday was the last day of the challenge. The habit's pull was quite strong in the evening and I gave in. I took the sunflower seeds again though. If I am going to be snacking, I'm going to be snacking healthy! After a few "bites" a curious thought came to my head. It said: "You can stop eating, if you want." That was very empowering. At all the other times, I had a feeling, that I had no choice and the behavior was playing out by itself. I had one more bite maybe, and then spontaneously put the food down just left it there in front of me. The cravings kind of creeped in, but nothing too fancy. I meditated through the evening with a healthy stomach

Overall the "The Brave Investigation Challenge" was a success. From binging on sweet stuff every evening basically, I managed to swap to healthy snacks and not eat so much - stop when satisfied. Most importantly it did not feel like I was doing something against my will anymore and I was more at peace with myself. Thank you for this experience, wonderful Life!

[okulele]

Bufo ahead

"I'm coming home, I'm coming friend,

 the frog is taking me to you.

 I heard your call, I heard it well,

let me see what's really true."

Edited May 28, 2018 by okulele