Let's settle this, bugs!

[okulele]

Subject to illusion

No matter how many awakenings and insights I have each day, until the seperate self is dropped, I am subject to illusion.

I will get pulled back and I will be fooled again. That seems to be unavoidable, until the seperate self is understood.

That is why, dear okulele, rember it's ok to make mistakes. That is the way of things. Enjoy the show and also suffer it when needed.

You can do it. Until now, you always have. I mean what else is there than to be what you are?

 

Edited June 15, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

Shamanism

 

Near the end of the video the lady explains how shamanic journeying can help with integrating plant medicine experiences.

I have been searching for a way to integrate lessons from psychedelic in everyday life in a better way. Could this really be an effective way?

[okulele]

Anti-fungal diet

Shame

Let's go back to the topic that the journal started with. Something kept me from posting about this. That something was the demon of shame.

According to Judith Anodea in her brilliant book "Eastern Body, Western Mind" shame is the demon of the 3rd chakra. 3rd chakra deals with willpower.

I have been consistently binging on junk food in the evenings. My diet is spotless throughout the day, but when the sun comes down I give in to my cravings. I feel shame about that. I feel that I should be stronger and that I should make it stop! But can I? It does not seem like it. I end up beating up on myself and eating that food anyway. Slowly, slowly I am starting to see the message that is being conveyed to me in this way.

The message: Stop the judgment. Stop the waring. Stop it already and give up. Let go. Trust in what is and be grateful for whatever comes.

The problem is that I think I know. I think I know I shouldn't be doing this. That is where the shame comes from, that is where the suffering comes from. I think I know, while I know nothing. Nothing at all!

[okulele]

Contemplating the cold

After a hot, hot shower I switch to the second extreme. Ice cold water is pouring over me. It is unbearable. And then I ask: "What is this cold?". It becomes nothing. It hurts noone. I am immune.

[okulele]

Understanding Myself Retreat Plan

Goal: To understand what it is that I am running from in the evenings.

Method: 90 minutes SDS + 10 minutes JOURNALING

 

20:00 Strong Determination Sitting

21:30 Quick Journaling

21:40 Sound Sleep

morning Updating This Journal

[okulele]

Understanding Myself Retreat 1

I was working yesterday evening, so my plan was not realized fully.

As I was walking from work I experienced cravings seeing all the restaurants and shops. I could resist as the intention and wanting to understand was greater than the desire to eat.

I sat in SDS for 30 minutes only as it was late and I was tired after work.

Really fealing the discomfort and wanting to understand it can turn any unpleasant experience into a most exciting one. That is the power of curiosity.

[okulele]

Bufo revealed my voice

"aha, Aha, AHA! Of course. Of course. Yes..."

These are the words that appeared in my consciousness as I was slipping into Nothingness. It was the last thing I experienced. I said them in my own voice! A deep deep voice that I don't use usually, but which was so much me.

Today as I was stretching I let out a sigh which came in this voice again. My true voice. And I remembered Bufo again.

[okulele]

Understanding Myself Retreat 2

I sat in my SDS for 80 minutes. It felt like an open surgery. I am physicaly addicted to junk food. It goes deep into my body. I sat and sat and the fight was raging inside of me. I watched.

After the 80 minutes (I know, should have been 90) I got up to write in my journal.

After journaling I went to bed. But it was not over. Far from it. My mind was crusifing me. There was a huge struggle going on. And I said: "That's it. I give up the fight. Whatever happens, let it happen. I choose to be happy anyways." And then I lay. And suddenly my body got up and I ran to a store and got cookies. I ate them with no guilt whatsoever. I was just focused on my intention of being happy regardless.

In conclusion, my behavior is continuing, but my attitude is changing. I see that very soon the physical manifestation will follow.

[okulele]

Listen to the Current...

 

...not the hungry ghost.

[okulele]

Understanding Myself Retreat 3

I sat in SDS for 45 minutes and had to change position. My knee was hurting bad and I was worried I would do some damage. After another 40 minutes of sitting and warching the breath I inquired into my nature and was blown into my being. The rest of the evening was the beauty of being in that place.

[okulele]

I found my path

Yesterday I was taking a shower when I understood the step I have to take. I understood what my Life Purpose is. The first thing I thought after the realization was: "Oh shit. This is bad."

Why did I think that? Because this single moment changed everything. I understood what I am to do. And it is radical. There is no turning back now that I know. My life has changed in an instant. I will not be able to live the way I intended now that I see clearly my way.

There is an enormous excitment and a similary huge fear. This IS the big leap.

Edited June 25, 2018 by okulele

[okulele]

Equanimity 

I first learned this word on a Vipassana retreat. It basically means staying neutral whatever happens.

If you look at my last post, you will see a good example of unequanimity. I got excited becauase a new door open up for me. My mind grabbed that chance immediately and started going monkey-mode for a long time.

Ultimately nothing is bigger than anything else. Nothing has more significance than anything else. No future potential situation can be more important than Now.

[okulele]

Understanding Myself Retfeat 4+5+6

I did not follow the plan I laid out. Why? Life happens 

But I am off sugar now. How? With a strong will and determination? No. It's more like I forgot about it.

[okulele]

You like shrooms?

 

So do I.

So did Terrence.

[okulele]

All answers lie within

What is this all about?

What should I do with this life?

What is real?

What is true?

What should my diet look like?

What is healthy?

What do I want out of my relationships?

 

The habit is to look outwards. Every time I have a question I want to google it, ask on the forum, think what my father would say, get a book which would tell me. Always out.

It is important to remember that all the answers come from inside anyway. I may get a hint from outside, but the final word, the final "yes, that's it!" comes from inside. Why not look in directly?

Dear okulele, pose the question and wait. Go in. Be quiet. No distractions. You are connected to infinite intelligence. All is here.

 

[okulele]

The slippery slope of inquiry

"I live on an island surrounded by sea.

 The water looks lovely, it's calling me.

 I go to the shore to have a look,

 The sight astonishes, I cannot unhook.

 I go closer and closer, it's getting steep,

The slippery slope flies under my feet.

 I'm in the air now, my island is gone.

 I'll soon reach the sea, and it will be known.

[okulele]

It's settled, bugs.

I started this journal with a crusade in mind. I was determined to crush my illness and the fungi which caused it, in my mind.

In this short time I understood a lot. It is not as simple as killing of a fungi in my stomach. The issue is much more subtle. The root goes much deeper. I will continue this journey with a new paradigm and with a new journal. See you there