How to understand myself better through meditation?

[Znib94]

Well I don't know how to ask the question better, but I hope you understand. For the past few days I've done a lot of meditation (40 min - 1 hour each sit). I have quite a lot of free time currently and I know I won't be getting this chance anytime soon so I thought I would want to spend this free time on meditation in order to get to know myself better. 

Basically I want to understand my triggers, why I react certains ways, what type of emotions/beliefs I'm supressing, some memories that are still fucking with me etc but I'm having a hard time getting a clear answer to all of that. I've tried understanding my emotions typically asking why I feel this way and what was the last and first time I felt this way but again no clear answers (and I've done it a couple of weeks prior to the last few days where I've been meditating a lot). 

 

Whenever I meditate I usually start on focusing on my breath then I move on to body scan and feel the sensations. I think that since I had a lot of anxiety in the past that was not dealt with properly I have developed some kind of knot in the stomach and chest area that's always there and gets worse whenever I focus on these areas and they also feel like strong resistance. I can't seem to feel any other feelings because of the strong resistance produced by these "knots" and I don't know how to overcome that. It makes my quest a lot more difficult.

 

So far what I've been gaining out of my meditation is a calmer mind during the day and a lot of memories I haven't thought about in a lot of time. But I want to go deeper into the subconscious and understand my suffering&fear so I can be done with it after so much time.

 

I don't know what to do from here, should I just continue doing what I do in hopes of something coming to the surface? 

I would appriciate any advice, thanks!

Edited January 6, 2018 by Znib94

[cirkussmile]

You should definitely start practicing self inquiry and do it 24/7. Question everything but the work is most effective when you ask yourself "Who am I?"

Do you practicing vipassana? Meditate minimum 1 hour everyday, more the better. And also do concentrated self inquiry 1 hour everyday. 

You could do that or you could realize right now that what you point to when you say "I" is a complete illusion. You don't have a life and what you are looking for is your own death. But you don't know it yet. There's nothing but awareness being aware and whatever comes after is illusory. 

Either way. Meditation is best done without expectations. 

 

[Nahm]

@Znib94 I would keep your focus on breathing from the stomach, and keep relaxing your entire body over and over, with spine straight. The healing will happen regarding your knots. I assume you meant “calmer” but man that is a funny typo. Congrats on doing this for yourself! ❤️ In the Buddha’s story, armies of demons came at him, and when he remained still, their arrows turned to flowers. To defeat them, he simply touched the ground, or ‘connected’. I know it’s a story, but there is truth in it. It’s hard for the mind to accept that simply sitting in meditation can cure such things, but it’s technically not curing anything, just removing what we’ve added unknowingly. 

[YaNanNallari]

I recommend Leo's book list for understanding more. Even his videos help, but it takes a long time to watch them all.

[Znib94]

@cirkussmile

Yes I've done plenty of self-inquiry more than meditation and it has helped me understanding the nature of "I" 

I can understand that there isn't really an I that these emotions and beliefs belong too and it's the mind's habit however there are still triggers and emotional attachments that arises in my awareness. I seem to have quite the trouble with understanding them.

I agree with the last part. Meditation with little to no expectation is done best

 

@Nahm  Yes it was a typo I meant calmer T.T

I usually focus on the breath going through the nostrils but I'm going to switch to focusing on the stomach area. Ah, I guess I'm being a bit impatient. I'm definitely going to stick to meditation as it has given me great benifits. Thank you <3