Could Use Help Understanding My Motivation Problems

[kieranperez]

Hey all, I really want to tackle this issue from a different angle than I normally do when I ask questions on here. Rather than really ask for just techniques I could use some help really unearthing what core issue(s) I'm struggling with in terms of me taking action and really being motivated. 

So I have my Life Purpose which is being a coach for elite middle/long/ultra distance runners. That's for my career. Now for my own personal mission is to self-actualize as both an all-around human being but also as an athlete. For the sake of making this easy I'm going to focus this post around just me as an athlete (I'm a runner). 

So, running is something I am intrinsically motivated to do. I've been an athlete literally my entire life. Training in sports has been my bread and butter honestly since I was about 2. I've always been compelled to excel as an athlete. Now, as common as that may sound, my motivation to become the best athlete I can be isn't out of some insecure and neurotic desire to be "the best". What's important to understand about me and my incredible motivation to excel as an athlete is that I love the feeling of mastering myself both physically and mentally. Now, I am a fierce competitor when I'm out there on the track or on the course racing. What I love about it though is the feeling of pushing myself to the absolute limit. My relationship towards sports is almost identical to the way @Leo Gura describes The (Highest) Hero's Journey. I feel like I'm on a mission and that I'm on my own purpose. There's something about putting training yourself both mentally and physically that is just so natural to me. It feels almost primal. I train alone and I actually coach myself. I've always set a high bar for myself in terms of what I believe I'm physically able to accomplish.

Now, here's where things have gotten rocky for me...

Over the years I've hit in my mind a lot of failures of the last 9 years in my sport and in life and have had a lot of external influences really get at me that has brought my vision for what I'm so passionate about a lot lower. To the point where I actually dismiss visioning for myself. Also, this is something a lot of you can probably relate with and Leo has talked about quite often in a lot of episodes, as I do more personal development, meditation, etc. I'm becoming more aware of how meaningless my passion and all my goals have been all my life. However, I still love running though. I still want to do things with my life. I want to move out, be financially independent, get Enlightened, and all this stuff because every time I go back to what my intuition tells me, all this stuff still remains as intrinsic desires in my mind. So on some level I do still want them. However, I barely even train now though. I'm noticing this lack of drive. I feel like this awareness of how meaningless this all is is stripping me of my passion. The weird thing is that I also know though that all because something is meaningless, doesn't mean it's not worth doing for the sake that I still want it. So it's the weird paradox of knowing that meaninglessness isn't some bad thing in yet, even though I know that, it's still leading me to sabotage working on what I do love. 

I just feel so stuck in my own psychology. I mean, I try visualizing my own goals and such to really lock in my motivation again to stay on track and stay grounded in what I'm passionate about but I can tell this is leading to some noticeable neurosis where I'm just trying to force things. Then when I turn the pendulum the other way around and detach, well... I just don't get anything done at all without a care in the world. I'm at a point where I can't seem to stop backsliding even when I get some motivation up and going. I find it so hard to reconnect and still committed to my training, life purpose, productivity, etc. 

Hell, I think what's really hurting me now with this too is that I can't even set goals for myself that I feel motivated towards now. 

I also notice that even if I set goals that motivate me one day or even for like a week or however long (pick your duration), when I really try to reconnect with my vision I notice it just keeps changing. 

Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble! As always, thanks!

[Aquarius]

In one his recent episodes, Leo talks about nihilism/meaninglessness. It's not the meaninglessness that makes you feel this way, but the fact that you label meaninglessness as something "bad" or "negative". Even Leo himself said that you can even become a professional baby killer (not to be taken seriously though) with his life purpose course, if you feel that way. Which means you are free to do what you want. Nothing is really bad or evil, and once you'll come to a point where you'll realise that there isn't really a difference between spiritual and the non-spiritual practices, it's all one! I mean name something that isn't spiritual? Life is sacred in itself and it's beautiful! Kinda difficult to grasp this concept though. even though I've come to this conclusion I still struggle to embody it.

Watch Leo's video on things going full-circle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7COBxw71MM

Edited January 4, 2018 by Aquarius