Does Marriage Inhibit Personal Growth?

[FindingPeace]

To quote Leo from his video on how society f***s you in the ass:

Quote

“Modern marriage is so that instead of you self-developing and going looking for truth and finding your authentic self … what you do is you go and you get married. And marriage deludes you into thinking you can escape actual personal growth. So now you escape in to marriage, but … what is this marriage? This marriage is just chimpery. You’re just two chimps thinking that you’re doing something. How’s it working for you by the way? Are you happy with that? Fulfilled yet?”

When I watched the video it really resonated with me because it aligned with thoughts and feelings I was already having on this subject. It really poses a good question. Do relationships and particularly marriages inhibit personal growth?

The problem with personal development is that is requires a strong determination, commitment and focus on the self. By its very nature it is a self-centred thing – it’s personal. Also, to be successful in development you can’t have limiting factors. Everything personal development teaches you is about overcoming obstacles and limiting beliefs.

For a single person, personal-development is fairly straight forward because they can exclusively focus on themselves without having to consider others too closely. But once they become ‘caught up’ in a marriage (or relationship) things change. Every thought, decision and action one takes will have an effect on the other person and on the marriage itself. You have to consider the other person and the consequences of your actions. This will inevitably put limitations on personal growth. It reminds me of the 'crab mentality' analogy - two crabs in a bucket, whenever one tries to climb out the other pulls it back down.

There are 4 ways things can go in a marriage:

1, both people do personal development and are on the exact same path so can nurture and support on another.

2, both people do personal development but follow different paths, ultimately causing them to drift apart.

3, on persone does personal development and the other takes a back seat because it would cause conflict for them to do it as well. In cases where it’s the man pursuing development the woman may become bored and have a child as a personal pursuit of her own.

4, neither person does any person development because to do so will cause conflict and threaten the marriage. They both become stuck in life. They become unfulfilled and bored and perhaps take on the only pursuit that they can share together – having a family.

It seems to me many people choose to have a family as a means to share some ‘life-purpose’ together. Because unless both people are sharing the same goal, they will either drift apart or inhibit their own growth so as not to endanger the marriage. I think people often choose to start families in an attempt to derive life purpose that they are otherwise restricted from doing.

I’ve heard many excuses as to why people stop pursuing their interests, passions, life purpose and authentic selves once they are married:

“I can’t do that because my spouse won’t like it”

“I can’t do that because it is selfish and I have to put spouse/family first”

“It is wrong to focus on myself in the marriage. We are a team we must do everything together”

“If I did that it would come between us and break us up”

“My wife/husband/kids always come first”

“He/she would leave me if I did that”

“I have to do what is best for my spouse/family”

“They are my life now”

“We would have to move/sell the house for me to do that”

“We wouldn’t see each other as much if I did that”

“I would have to spend much time away”

“He/she/they needs me around”

“What would my husband/wife say if I did that?”

“I can’t afford it, I have to support my spouse/family”

There are probably many more.

I can relate to this topic because both my wife and I have both abandoned personal pursuits in the interests of keeping the marriage together. In fact our marriage is restricting us so much that we are both stuck in life. Her in a job she hates, me without a job. She refused a place in medical school because the disruption it would have caused for her to spend 5 years there would have meant selling the house and spending time apart. So she never became the doctor that she wanted to be. I abandoned my pursuit to become an airline pilot because the time, money and commitment required to gain necessary experience after I got my licence would have cost us our marriage. Even though I had already invested 2 years and a small fortune to qualify for the licence, which is now fairly useless. We both priorities our marriage over our personal development. It is only now that I see that this prioritisation came from the insecurites and neediness that we both had.

So to answer Leo’s question “How it working out? Are we fulfilled yet?” the answer is “It isn’t. And No”. In fact I struggle to see why we are even here doing this thing. Where is the value? Just a stagnant life, desperately scraping around looking for ‘reasons’ to validate our situation by constructing ‘fulfilling pursuits’ such as travelling and ‘doing things together’.

So what are peoples’ thoughts on this topic? I challenge those of you who are in committed relationships and marriages to look deeply and see where you may have abandoned personal development or fabricated ‘alternative’ plans that preserve the relationship. Perhaps there are also people who have success stories to prove me wrong. I would be very interested to hear about cases where people have been able to maintain a productive and fulfilling life within a marriage where perhaps both people have been able to pursue personal goals.

Edited February 24, 2016 by FindingPeace
clarity

[Dhana Choko]

Nothing can prevent or inhibit personal growth if you have an attitude and way of living that is concerned about being aware.

[Sarah Marie]

@FindingPeace I hear your struggle SO WELL. I can't say I have a good answer, but I can testify to the fact that my son and husbands are distractions to my self-actualization. I'm fighting to find a balance, but stopping my journey is something I will not sacrafice by any means, even if that means getting a divorce. 

[Avi]

7 hours ago, Dhana Choko said:

Nothing can prevent or inhibit personal growth if you have an attitude and way of living that is concerned about being aware.

That's exactly right. It's our belief of our thoughts that cause our suffering. If you believe that you can't do personal growth while married then you won't. If you believe that you can, then you will. 

[FindingPeace]

16 hours ago, Sarah_Flagg said:

I'm fighting to find a balance, but stopping my journey is something I will not sacrafice by any means, even if that means getting a divorce. 

Thank you for this. It is exactly this thought that I find myself having. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one comming to these realisations.

14 hours ago, Avi said:

22 hours ago, Dhana Choko said:

Nothing can prevent or inhibit personal growth if you have an attitude and way of living that is concerned about being aware.

That's exactly right. It's our belief of our thoughts that cause our suffering. If you believe that you can't do personal growth while married then you won't. If you believe that you can, then you will. 

I hear what you're saying. In an ideal situation with someone who is well established psychologically on the path of self-development they will push on and get the results they want. Even if this comes at the expense of their marriage. Ultimately to self develop you have to overcome limitations and obstacles - whatever they are.

But in a way, that wasn't the question I was asking here. I was being more generic. I'm interested to hear whether people can identify with what I described in my original post and how people have either integrated personal development in to their marriages or had to make sacrifices to either their own development or the marraige itself.

I have only been on the path of self-development for a couple of years now. My previous failed goals and efforts were well before I knew what I know now. Well before I knew anything about self-development. Like many people I was (still am) in a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship which is how I came to sacrifice development for psychological security.

Most of the work I have done on myself over the last couple of years has been inner work. The insights and epiphanies I have had have led me to this point where I now see and understand the dynamics between personal growth and the dysfunctional and limiting beliefs that I previously lived by. All this brings me to this question about whether relationships and personal-growth are truly compatible.

[Dhana Choko]

Of course relationships and personal growth are compatible. Relationships are one of the best ways to trigger ego and become aware of your inner patterns. They go very well hand in hand and there is no reason why a person would not be able to do inner work in a relationship. This does not mean that one should be in a violent or bad relationship (I am not saying that). It is the same thing with everything - everything goes well with personal growth: relationships, family things, work, hobbies etc. There is nothing that does not "go with" personal growth. Personal growth is not something that is a different subject that is "fighting for time and space in your live in midst of all other areas of your life" but it is the very thing that governs all of the aspects of your life. If family, relationships, work, money and health are the fish in the sea, personal growth is the sea where these fish swim.

[Guest]

Seeing marriage as a weird thing that it actually is, it is really hard to talk about it in combination with self-development. Before two people marry they should think about the obstacles that might occur. Will you still love me when I go on a trip through asia for a year?  And what importance does it have to have children? I can imagine what kind of dynamics appear when you are married. You get fatter, lazier, more comfortable. I am only in a serious relationship for like 15 months, so I can't talk about my experience. But I think that one has to see very clearly into the mirror and the partner. When I look at my relationship and it is really interesting what I learned. To be honest, I would rather be single to experience self-improvement in its purest way. Therefore being married in my current state would totally turn my life around. Children would destroy my concept. There probably are some people who manage to have a healthy marriage, children and still do a lot self-improvement. But I guess it is a rarity. You just have to do the math. How long do I have to sleep? How much time do I invest in my career/ current job? How much time do I have/need for entertainment? How much do I really want to achieve a certain goal? To maybe answer your question at least a little bit: Relationship and self-improvement compatible? - Always. If you really want it. Even if it means to invest 10 min a day for meditation. For you I recommend to talk with your wife about the relationship and where it is all going.  

[Ajax]

@FindingPeace Yes, I have had the very same problem that you have had. It also continues to this day. However, I do have quite a bit of hope for the future. Sure there are many limitations and restrictions. Same with a board game such as chess. However, one can work within those rules to create something amazing and marvelous. You have to shift your mindset to work within your boundaries. You have to get creative, you have to get inspired and adapt and improvise...

In the meantime, continually do things that continually stimulate your mind. Right now, what I am doing is writing like a maniac.. it doesn't even matter to me if the shit I am writing makes sense, I am writing and writing... recollecting past memories, writing thoughts and fantasies down, Creating images in my mind and writing about them..etc. 

 

These things cause me to raise my emotional state and become much more positive and optimistic, I am able to solve problems better and am in an excellent mood. I put my thoughts down and it releases the charge that has been inhibiting me and affords me a greater perspective in life.

 

In essence, it is your own lack of imagination that inhibits your growth due succumbing to wallowing in your failures.

[Benevolent]

I would say to let those people be a part of your self developement. 

I am finding that people going down a self-actualized path are some of the most selfish people. 

Using other people as an excuse instead of a tool. 

Your path is your own because of the choices you've made before awareness and during. 

Though I do not always agree with everything religion teaches, one of the lessons growing up in a Christian faith has taught me is that: if you shine bright enough, it becomes infectious. 

Choose a self-less path. Do not blame others for you lack or short comings. Utilize partnerships.

[FindingPeace]

2 hours ago, Benevolent said:

I am finding that people going down a self-actualized path are some of the most selfish people. 

To be completely honest, this is probably true. The reason being tht self-actualization is, by its very nature, a self-centred thing. But it isn't a 'bad' kind of selfishness. We are all selfish in life. Every single one of us. We just don't see it  most of the time and we cxan justify ourselves to the death if questioned. Even 'selflessness' has selfishness in it. This topic has been discussed elsewhere on the forum..

2 hours ago, Benevolent said:

Using other people as an excuse instead of a tool. 

Noone here is using anyone.

2 hours ago, Benevolent said:

Your path is your own because of the choices you've made before awareness and during. 

It is yes.

2 hours ago, Benevolent said:

Do not blame others for you lack or short comings.

Noone is blaming anyone here.

My original post was asking for people to recount their experience of the combination of marriage and personal-development. Whether the experiences were good or bad, productive or inhibiting. I wasn't looking to place blame or shun responsibility for my own choices. Or to make a case that marriage is a definate no-no.

But regardless of whether we think it 'should' be possible to combine marriage and development, the reality is a different story. And that is what I am interesting in hearing about.

[Dhana Choko]

Well I ain't talking theory here  It is completely possible to have a relationship whilst on self-developmental path. If you aren't currently having a positive relationship and do self-actualized work, then you have bumped into your next lesson to become more self-actualized.