Raising Children To Be Authentic Adults - The Basics Part 1

[Eden]

One of the most essential parts about raising a child which works every time! The 6 Steps of Problem Solving This is extremely critical especially for the first 6 years of a child's life. Knowing how to problem solve, and acknowledging that mistakes are not there to make you miserable, but are great learning opportunities that have great value. Early Childhood Educators tend to use this method, but is definitely good for parents too (and anybody really).

Getting Solutions for Problem Solving

Step 1 Approach Calmly, stopping any hurtful actions. (If there is hitting, biting, or even tension arising). Preparing to be a neutral facilitator, body language: communicating in a calm neutral way, (non-hypocritical), neutral positioning - get to their height level, eye contact, tone of voice, facial expressions, comforting gestures, etc.

Step 2 Acknowledging Feelings. One of the biggest pillars of humans. Their emotions. Getting in touch with them both verbally and non-verbally. Saying "You seem/look very sad". Labeling emotions will give them a sense of comfort "Wow, he really understands how I feel. He's actually concerned. And yes! I do feel sad!" or the child can correct you if you assumed wrongly (which is not a problem to correct).

Step 3 Gather Information. Start with “What” questions rather than “Why”. You think you might know the issue or even "seen" what happened, but you truly don't know. Also why questions sound accusing and vague. (For example, one time I watched a child grab a toy from another child. The child started crying. When I asked "What happened?" The child said that she did not want to play with her outside at recess. Avoid taking sides or making opinions and no judgments.

Step 4 Restate the Problem. Restating by re-framing hurtful words. Ex. “So the problem is...” Discuss the problem so everyone has clearity on the same story. Ex. "She's being stupid", said the child. "You look very angry" the facilitator responded.

Step 5 Ask for Ideas for Solutions and choose one Together. Ex. “What can I do to solve this problem?” Try to make appealing solutions so even others can share their own suggestions in the discussion.

Step 6 Be Prepared to Give Follow-up Support. Ex. “You solved the problem” Don't say “Good job”, describe why you think it's a good job in detail.

The Rationale for Child-Made Solutions - When children are making something, we don't intervene and tell them how to do it. We encourage them to use their own ideas. More willing to take risks and more independent and making decisions. and remembering that mistakes are learning opportunities! Referenced (and recommended to read) "You Can't Come to My Birthday Party!" Conflict Resolution with Young Children by Betsy Evans)

 

Praise and Encouragement - when is it healthy?

• Not healthy when people need praise to be happy. When people do things to make themselves feel good is healthy. We should not care what people think about us. Raising children to be stronger and think about what they've done, accomplished. Children don't need others to be proud of them, they can be proud of themselves. YOU can do anything.

Praise - is to give worth or express approval. Praise stresses how other people feel. Praise statements place judgment on the student/child, they're non-specific and give some indication of the child’s status. Not positive. The problem when the children hear "I'm so proud of you" is just like saying "don't let me down" - there is a pressure. This saying has a hidden message.

Encouragement - refers to a positive acknowledgement response that focuses on children's efforts or specific attributes of the work that they do. Acknowledgement of what you see and what they are doing. Encouragement does not place judgement.

Examples of encouragement statements: - "you worked really hard on that.”, "you're wearing Scooby-doo shoes today."

 

NOT RECOMMENDED 

"You got a good mark on your test. You must be smart."

• Likes easy tests
• Effort is threatening
• They don’t want to lose their status of being great
• Doesn’t want to lose her special attention praise

RECOMMENDED

You got a good mark on your test. You must of worked hard.

• Likes hard tests
• Loves to learn
• Confident
• Effort is the experience

WE NEED TO EMBRACE CHILDREN'S FAILURES.

Why do we use encouragement instead of praise?

• Empty praise makes children focus too much on the final outcome
• Encouragement is acknowledging children’s efforts

 

1. Get children to focus on their effort (process) in tasks, not the final outcome (product)
2. It avoids evading competition between children
3. It helps clarify what a child is actually doing
4. Helps children have pride in their accomplishments or what they do
5. Helps them think for themselves instead of depending on someone else’s work and become intrinsically motivated
6. Encouragement takes children’s learning to the next level

 

What do children learn from an adult-centered (traditional approach)?
Authoritarian – why do some educators use this strategy?
Permissive or Avoidance – Why do some educators use this strategy?

Adult-centered

•  tense
•  strict
•  controlling (adult has control)
•  rules (not flexible)
•  adults makes all the decisions
•  punishment
•  that's how they were taught
•  if I'm mean, I'll get respect
•  socially pressured
•  teaching with fear, is not the way to lock it in - it doesn't make children learn
•  kids can't share their opinions

Permissive or Avoidance

• easier for them
• not educated to something better
• Control... (Children are lacking independent decisions.)

What do children learn in a child-centered learning environment?

Child-Centered

• focus on the children's needs
• children have some choices and encouraged to give their opinion
• more willing to take risks
• independent thinkers
• children can think for themselves
• allowed to make mistakes and learn from them
• sometimes rules are flexible
• builds trust
• shared control

Trust and Respect

• Which comes first?
  • Children have to trust adults first before they can genuinely respect them.
• How do we get it?
  • You can build trust through a child-centered environment.

Definition of Time Out:

• Completely isolating an individual from all attention and activities for a certain amount of time is determined by the adult.

Definition of Sitting Apart:

• Removing a child from a dangerous situation or problem that the child is not ready to deal with yet. The child is respectfully lead to a calming down spot and is allowed to return to the activity as soon as he/she has calmed down and has talked about what happened and problem solved (including how to avoid this problem in the future.)
• The importance of the child telling you when he's/she's calm because so he knows his own emotions. It gives him enough time. It is very brave, independent, and he/she is strong enough to do it on his own, to gather himself/herself together.

Emotional Intelligence (E.Q.)

• It includes self-awareness, self-discipline, and empathy.
• It is not pre-determined at birth
• I.Q. Is completely different!
• Your E.Q. can increase over time

E.Q. Definition – the ability to recognize the meanings of emotion, their relationships and to problem solve
based on those motions.

• problem solving by listening to your feelings
• 80% of success in life comes from emotional intelligence
• 20% of success in life comes from I.Q. (Intelligence Quotient)

E.Q. Involves at least 5 types of skills:
1. Self-awareness – ability to understand and be aware of your moods so you can better understand why
you feel a particular way.
2. Managing emotions – displaying emotions in a socially appropriate way (try things out and if it doesn't
work, adjust it.)
3. Motivation – using emotions to help one reach his/her goals.(Using negative emotion to get a positive
outcome)
4. Empathy – understanding how another person feels. (children are egocentric)
5. Social skills – being socially competent and dealing with others in appropriate ways.

 

Strategies to Strengthen Children's Emotional Intelligence

1. Get involved in children's play! You can strengthen all 5 types of skills
2. Set consistent limits in the classroom so children know what the expectations are.
3. Listen to children and acknowledge their feelings.
4. To help children find the words to what they're feeling and assist them with problem solving.

 

Logical and Natural Consequences

What are the ways that children learn new skills and new information?

• Through their experiences
• Through their mistakes
• And from the role models around them

In life, actions are often followed by natural consequences and logical consequences.

Natural consequence:

• are events that happen as a natural result of a child’s action. EX. The kid didn’t put on gloves when it was winter. His/her hands were cold afterwards. (The cold was a natural consequence to the kid that didn’t put his/her gloves on.

Logical consequence:

• are activities initiated by the adult in response to a child’s mistaken behavior. Ex. Jenna hits Madison for a toy. Talk about the fight, see if Madison’s okay and then find a solution for the problem.

Punitive Consequence:

• Ex. Jenna hits and then she gets a time-out.

 

Some Advantages of Logical Consequences are:

1. Because the consequence is directly tied to the inappropriate behavior it makes sense to the child
2. They teach the child cause and effect
3. When children know what the consequences are going to be beforehand they have an opportunity to
4. make a good choice
5. When the consequence is related to the child’s developmental age the child has a better chance of being
6. successful.

Setting Limits

• Limits are ‘somewhat’ flexible rules of the classroom that the educator and children decide on together
• They are set by the adult and children together while the adult has a calm and neutral tone
• They set the stage for acceptance of feelings, cooperative problem solving and long term change
   

I-Statements

• Educators use I-statements when they want constructive communication about strong feelings during conflict. I-statements describe the adults feelings about the situation, focusing on mistaken actions, not people (ex. “I feel worried because throwing blocks can hurt someone”. You don’t want to blame or attack them so don’t say “you". “I feel… (name your feeling)…” because…. (Describe actions or reasons without saying “you”) ….
• Giving children time to calm – when a child is not ready to problem solve, you might have to give it a limited choice. Example: Let’s say the child is too emotional to problem solve. You could give them a decision to either sit in the bean bag area or calm down and problem solve now. You give a child a choice if they’re not ready to problem solve right away.
• Limited choices - Start with I-statements. You can put the Lego on the ground (properly) or we have to put the Lego away. Example: “I’m feeling worried because running around with sharp scissors is dangerous. You can either sit with the scissors or put it away.”
• When adults need to calm down Example: State with I-statement – “then let the child know when yourself is feeling calm, you will come back to problem solve.”

[The Monk]

@Eden Lol, that list sounds a bit overwhelming for a child. Even for adults doing all this stuff is relatively hard. 

If you're looking for a good video about creating amazing children I would recommend; how to raise Rockstar Kids by Actualized.org

 

 

[Eden]

@The Monk Actually, it makes everything easier for the parents and the child when these practices are made. I have already seen that video and it is missing a lot of the foundational critical factors of a child's growth, although there's a lot of good key points there. It might seem I like a lot but it's actually nothing, I've only covered the tip of the iceberg.