Strategies For Dealing With Unreliable/flaky People And Behaviour?

[ShadowWalker]

In analysing the motivation for following through vs being unreliable I've boiled it down to the two usual suspects - potential reward and/or punishment. If someone has a high payoff they tend to be very dependable even without the threat of penalty for acting otherwise. Similarly if they perceive your interaction as a scarce opportunity they put in more effort than in the case of it being just another common option with low/moderate payoff and low penalty for putting it off.

As a naturally tolerant person I have steered clear of punishment and focused on being someone people would want to interact with, at least in my idealistic view of the world and myself. The underlying idea is to save yourself the drama and negative emotions, disregard the "wrong people" and focus on those who are capable of appreciating you and the things you are offering. Reality, however, has consistently pointed out a flaw in my reasoning, and I feel I've reached a tipping point.

Despite focusing exclusively on what's in my control, trying to improve myself and the value I bring to the table in all areas of life, time and time again, I am confronted with an epidemic of undependable, procrastinating behaviour from people who never fail to punish me for my patience and understanding, even if they otherwise genuinely like and respect me. The most common problem is people trying to preserve every bit of optionality, always giving me the same reply "I'll get back to you tomorrow/next week" and seldom following up. Or we make some appointment, something comes up, and they don't even bother to suggest an alternate time to make it happen, so I take the initiative and the whole thing repeats. I can anticipate it as being "the norm" in scheduling photoshoots with beautiful women, as well as in dating, but it also happens when I try to meet up with friends, even supposedly close ones.

In an attempt to answer my own question, I acknowledge the fact that with high potential reward or punishment things look different - models are much more cooperative for commercial projects, and students who've paid in advance for a Photoshop course I'm teaching are much more likely to show up. Girls who think I'm out of their league will be keen to schedule a meetup even if they have to travel a couple hundred kilometers from another city whereas those that are being hit up by numerous high-quality prospects are hesitant even if they like me, for fear of missing out on all the cool other options, so I'm more of a "Plan B" for them. I get that. I'm not interested in making a moral judgement and "should-ing" all over myself with how I believe things need to be. I accept the way things work but not the status quo.

So please, give me a straight answer, poke holes in my argument or assumptions if needed. Share what's worked for you to fix a similar problem, or how you never let it become a problem in the first place. Outframe the paradigm I'm in. I'm tired of being the only one who proactively honors his agreements - this has been a lifelong struggle for me, so I'm open for suggestions.

[Truth]

You don’t have to be patient and understanding with someone who is flaky and unreliable, but don’t jump to conclusions that they are this way either, be tolerant but don’t be a doormat either, If they’re not aware that you’re noticing that they are flaky or unreliable, let them know that you’re feeling like they are this way. This is very important. Consider there’s a good reason they are being flaky and unreliable. Look at what you’re offering, how are you coming off? What are they looking for? Can you give that to them? Etc. Help them to help you to help them, but if it still just looks like flakiness and unreliability then move on, you can’t really help someone who can’t help themselves. They either just aren’t serious enough or they’re just incompetent. It’s not a bad or a good thing, It’s just the truth. Yet always strive to give everyone your confidence and understanding in a serious, honest, undogmatic way.  Be their outstanding tool

Edited August 25, 2017 by Truth

[Leo Gura]

Of course, most people are lazy and unambitious. That's why they don't get anything done and have nothing to show in their lives: no money, no business, no career, no health, no consciousness, no knowledge, no skills, no taste, no nothing.

If you wanna be ambitious, you gotta take everything into your own hands. Don't be waiting around for people to open doors for you.

I try to make my work and my results as independent of other people as possible. Structure your whole life so that nothing holds you back but yourself. Don't wait on anyone.

If you live far from beautiful women, pack your crap and move closer. I live 1.5 miles from the Las Vegas Strip. You could live even closer. I've had friends who live 200 yards from the best night club in the world

Don't wait for opportunities to come to you, you come to them.

[Visitor]

@ShadowWalker There are not many people who value their integrity above anything, or anybody, else. Meaning, if your integrity is intact, regardless of being alone, then you are 'okay' _ nothing to worry about. Most people cannot handle that, and compromise their integrity and become, as Leo mentioned "...lazy and unambitious."

Be your own man.

[ShadowWalker]

So unless it's my confirmation bias kicking in, you guys are mostly reiterating what I've learned and what I've tried to describe.

Being independent, when it comes to ambitions is a lesson I've had to learn over and over, and for the most part I make sure that it's taken care of, but the flip side is that it becomes the new limit and/or comfort zone, when in reality interdependence and synergy are vastly superior.

BTW regarding the women example - I live in the capital city, plenty of beautiful women around. I was talking about girls coming from small towns just to meet me, whereas in other cases girls or even simply close friends who live within a mile can't seem to "find the time" or opportunity to meet up.

So taking the advice - instead of waiting for people to invite me, I am being proactive and patient, yet it's not working nearly as well as you'd hope and yet I'm not keen on giving up on social interactions in pursuit of "success" because my personal definition of success includes having meaningful social interactions. The next step of proactivity would basically be cold approach, which unless I'm rationalizing some limiting beliefs, seems like a highly inefficient way of building meaningful connections.