Fatherhood versus rational self interest

[trenton]

I'm discovering that part of me feels a desire to be a father. It seems to be this desire to experience love within a relationship that I was never given the opportunity to experience. I find myself imagining having a child and a defacto wife even though I don't like the institutional set up around marriage. The problem is that I hold this as against my rational self interest.

I no longer believe in the trauma narrative I was conditioned with. I feel this desire for love because of what wasn't there. I am not who I was told I was nor am I anything like my father.

The thing is.

First of all, I'm still with my family.

Secondly, my job doesn't match my desired career direction yet.

Thirdly, I have an associates degree at this time.

Fourthly, settling with a child would restrain the possibility of pursuing spirituality as far as I would like to.

Fifthly, there is a massive economic trap which will be harder to escape.

Sixth, stress and a lot of it.

Seventh, loss of autonomy.

Eighth, I need to find a decent woman, though this should be fixable.

Ninth, I still live in America at this time and parts of Europe are likely better for my purposes. I think a good parent would be open minded to the possibility of a school shooter murdering your child any day of the week and take the issue seriously in advance. Should you really trust a school to keep your child safe?

Tenth, some other tenth thing.

In any case, my feelings contradict what I believe is good for me at this time. It is like this desire to just exist as a normal human being without needing to prove my significance or compensate for the harm done to me through a major life purpose. Holding life purpose as a redemption fantasy which proves my worth just makes me hate life even more.

I am wanting to date. It's just a question of how I go about it and avoiding an accidental child as that would demonstrate my lack of responsibility already as a parent. Maybe if it weren't about me anymore, that would be part of the appeal.

What do you think about fatherhood and rational self interest? This is probably why more educated people have fewer kids if they are wise about the outcomes. Or maybe we were indoctrinated with career focused values over relational values.

[LordFall]

How old are you? You can afford to wait a long time to setup your life before starting to have kids. You can freeze your sperm and have it be at in its peak state even into your 50s and 60s. That would be an extreme age but with anti aging and age reversal starting to look quite promising, there are all kinds of options that look to be possible in the next 10-20 years.

I'm 31 and am still building my life. My fatherhood instincts are kicking in though and I don't wanna delay it forever. Probably around my late 30s I will have built the life I want and experienced all that I want out of singlehood and will be ready to pivot towards settling down with one or a few partner and build a family with kids. I think being setup financially and having a career/business that provides a solid income while not requiring too much time makes such a difference in building a high quality life and not just struggling with a partner while trying to raise a child. 

[trenton]

Right now I'm 28. I definitely don't think it's a good idea to have kids right now. What I mean ultimately is why would I have kids at all knowing how much would be sacrificed in the process. The sacrifice appears to be part of the appeal, but it conflicts with the other visions I had for my life which involved more travel and spiritual or intellectual pursuits.