Feeling stuck spiritually, any insights?

[Michael Paul]

Brief background: I have a serious mental illness for which I’m currently taking medication. I’ve been delusional and have had hardcore hallucinations in the past which put me in several traumatic and life-threatening situations. Thankfully I’m very stable now and doing well overall. 

I’ve only had two psychedelic experiences in my life, both of which were extremely positive, eye-opening, and enlightening. When I found actualized.org and Leo’s teachings, everything really resonated with me at first based on what I experienced during those trips. My two psychedelic trips happened quite a long time ago though (over 13 years ago), and I feel very disappointed that I can’t partake in them anymore. I feel like a major pathway to spiritual growth has been closed off to me in life. I know myself well enough to know that they’re effectively off-limits for me, as I refuse to put myself in a dangerous position where I’m forced to go back to the hospital ever again. 

How can I compensate for the fact that I can’t use psychedelics as a tool for spiritual awakening? 

[Leo Gura]

You need some hardcore practice like Kriya yoga or week-long meditation retreats.

Edited Thursday at 11:23 PM by Leo Gura

[Michael Paul]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You need some hardcore practice like Kirya yoga or week-long meditation retreats.

Where/who do you recommend I learn Kriya Yoga from? I’m vaguely familiar with it but I’ve never tried it.

Also, when it comes to meditation retreats, are they risky at all for someone with a history of mental illness? I’ve heard of some retreats screening people for a history of serious psychiatric disorders. I just want to go about it wisely. 

[cetus]

@Michael Paul Stay grounded by sitting silently in nature with the sun on your face. Take your shoes off and feel the earth beneath your feet. 

[Leo Gura]

3 minutes ago, Michael Paul said:

Where/who do you recommend I learn Kriya Yoga from? I’m vaguely familiar with it but I’ve never tried it.

The books on my booklist.

3 minutes ago, Michael Paul said:

Also, when it comes to meditation retreats, are they risky at all for someone with a history of mental illness?

Yes, they are risky.

Any serious spiritual work and Awakening will be risky for someone with your condition.

There is no way to make God safe and non-threatening. Realizing God requires confronting death and insanity in some fashion.

[Ziran]

On 10/29/2026 at 4:13 PM, Michael Paul said:

How can I compensate for the fact that I can’t use psychedelics as a tool for spiritual awakening? 

1)  Consider this:

Hamlet, act 1, scene 3

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

2)  Read this:

Ode to a Grecian Vase: ( emphasis mine )

"Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
       Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
       A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunts about thy shape
       Of deities or mortals, or of both,
               In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
       What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
               What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
       Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
       Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
       Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
               Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve;
       She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
               For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
         Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
         For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
         For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
                For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
         That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
                A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
         To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
         And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
         Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
                Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
         Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
                Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
         Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
         Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
         When old age shall this generation waste,
                Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
         "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
                Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

________________________________________________________________________

3)  Then ask yourself this riddle:

"You're in a room made out of mirrors, with no windows and no doors.  How do you escape unharmed?"

The answer is below:

 

Close your eyes... and see.

 

Edited 1 hour ago by Ziran