Reflections on my Feminine Integration Journey Throughout the Years

[Emerald]

6 minutes ago, FlyingLotus said:

Hey Emerald, glad you’re still here, even if it’s just in this thread. Want you to know that your posts have been one of the best parts of this forum. Your grace and intelligence speaks for itself 🙌

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me.  

[Emerald]

The Dangerous Woman

I'm going to share with you a dream about a Shadow Aspect of mine. But first, some context needs to be established...

• I had this dream in the Summer of 2014. At that time, I'd just completed my first year as a high school graphic design teacher. And I was about to enter my second year teaching.
• I conceived my youngest child (my son) around this time. But I don't know if I knew I was pregnant yet.
• About 1/2 way through my second year teaching, it was clear that the Assistant Principal (Kristen) wanted to get rid of me. And it was a very stressful and high pressure situation... and I even started losing weight, which is not healthy during pregnancy. And when I was 8.5 months pregnant, I was brought in by Kristin and Cathy (the principal) and told that I wouldn't be having a job the next year because I "wasn't a good fit for the culture of the school". Teachers in Florida in their first 3 years can be let go of for any reason and no reason and not have their contract renewed. 
• My first year as a teacher was smooth sailing. And I didn't expect any of these issues to arise at the time that I had this dream.
• When my contract wasn't renewed, it felt like the nail in the coffin to a 20-year long dream of being a school teacher as my contract non-renewal would be read as a firing. And so, I started thinking of what I wanted to do instead, after having put all my eggs in the basket becoming a teacher.  I considered briefly becoming a stand-up comedian. But then, I decided that I was going to create YouTube videos sharing my insights... and revisited a musing that came up when I was 12 around "being a philosopher". But being a realistic and sensible kid, I was like, "That's not possible. I'll stick with the school teacher dream," a dream I had since I was in kindergarten. But my Youtube channel was successful and I now make my living as a coach. And I'm relatively well-known in my niche.

I share all of this context because the dream I'm about to share is very prescient to the circumstances that led to the creation of my YouTube channel and that path that I'm currently on. 

And the themes of "the dangerous woman" (which is what I call this dream character) are becoming more and more relevant to me in recent years as I struggle with owning my power, for fear of harming others and for fear of "being bad/unethical". My Moral Scrupulosity OCD and Harm OCD have been off the charts for the past 5 years, which has led me to really pulling my punches with my online presence and power to help... purely out of fear of harming.

And I ultimately fear that I am dangerous to others just by existing. And there are fears that the fruits of my insights are poisonous fruits from a poisonous tree... despite having a deep unshakable trust that my perspective is also medicinal in an uncommon way.

But medicine is also often a poison. 

So, I feel powerful and dangerous and poisonous all the time. So, I try to dilute my power and become safe and good... but at the expense of the medicine of my perspective. (This is also why I come here and get into little intellectual arguments, as it's my only space to engage in intellectual bumper cars without being overtly worried about harming others)

And ultimately, I think it's being the "dangerous woman" that put me on the radar of the principal and assistant principal as a poor culture fit for their school.

But that exile from the dream that I had from age 5 to age 25 reinforced this sense of, "poisonous fruit from a poisonous tree" and feeling like the only ethical and responsible thing to do is to exile myself from society like a pariah in order to avoid harming others with my strange way of operating and my dangerous perspective that is a contaminant from the perspective of many social contexts.

So, I will share a dream that gave me a sneak peak about what was to come about in the time range of 6-9 months after I had this dream....

"Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are a buddy-cop duo who are both working together on a case to find a woman who is meant to have committed some major crimes. Though the crimes are never specified, it's clear that she's on the most wanted list.

And it's not just the cops that are after her. There are also criminals who are after her as well. 

There is a picture of her that the buddy cops have. She's a pretty middle-aged woman with long black hair. She looks very respectable... and has the vibe of a very put-together woman who has a white collar job and goes to PTA meetings for her kids. She doesn't look anything like a dangerous criminal... but she is one.

Upon waking, I decided to call this woman, "The Dangerous Woman".

Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are knocking on door in downtown Saint Augustine, trying to find leads to track down this woman. And they knock on the door of a trailer park and a man who beats his wife and kids comes out to talk to them. But nothing comes of that lead.

Meanwhile, just like it's a movie, the camera cuts to me. And I am several blocks away from where Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are in the downtown area. 

And even though I don't know how I'm connected to the dangerous woman and I don't think I've ever met her... I know that I am affiliated with her in some way.

So, the cops are trying to find me. And the criminals are trying to find me too.

The cops want to arrest me. The criminals want to kill me.

And I am trying to act cool and nonchalantly find a secret path (which doesn't exist irl) in the downtown that will lead to a dirt trail, where I can get away on foot from the cops and criminals.

I take one step onto the dirt trail, and the criminals have found me and are surrounding me... but Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci have not.

I somehow get away, but I can't recall how.

And I end up boarding a docked cruise liner where there is a party for all the faculty and staff of the high school that I work at. 

I enter into the main lobby of the cruise ship, which has a fancy old-style vibe with mahogany wood and red carpets. And I am talking to a few of my fellow teachers. There are probably 30-40 teachers and staff members in that lobby.

Then Kristen (the assistant principal I mentioned above) comes in with Cathy (the principal) to make an announcement. It's clear that she and Cathy are going to address something very serious.

Kristen says something like, "We know that one of you is affiliated with a criminal. And we will find out who it is. And when we do, you will be fired and arrested."

I immediately know that I'm the person who's affiliated with the criminal and that the criminal is the dangerous woman, and I'm very anxious about this warning. But I must hide my anxiety.

Kristen and Cathy start having everyone in the room evacuate through a doorway to a stairwell that only goes up. The stairway leads to the upper deck of the cruise boat.

I start moving to the doorway like I'm also going to evacuate up the upper deck.

But instead, I go through a doorway directly to the right of that doorway. And it opens out to a stairwell that only goes down.

And I am sure that no one has noticed this doorway and that I have not been seen taking this doorway.

My plan is to go to the bottom-most point of the boat and hide there to lay low.

I go down and down and down on the stairs, feeling like I'm nearly in the clear. No one knows I'm there, and no one has seen me.

Then, right as I'm getting to the bottom of the stairs and about to go around a bend to the bottom-most area of the boat... an attractive middle aged dark haired woman with short hair rounds the corner. And she looks right at me.

It doesn't occur to me at the time. But this is the dangerous woman with her hair cut short.

But I am kicking myself and worried because my attempt at hiding away unnoticed has failed. And I am expecting for everyone to know that I am here... and I have drawn attention to myself.

So, I duck into the bathroom and lock myself in, and I decide to pretend that I have diarrhea as the explanation for why I haven't evacuated to the upper floor of the boat.

Then, a lady from the guidance department that I work with knocks on the door and asks me what I'm doing. And I tell her, "I'll be right up. I just have a really bad stomach." And I am sitting on the toilet to try to be more convincing (though she can't see me, it still feels important to do in order to be convincing).

She goes back upstairs to inform the others that I'm down in the bathroom... which is the bottom-most room in the boat.

And I'm still sitting on the toilet, going through all of my options of how I'm going to get out of this situation and avoid losing my job and going to prison. I am wondering if there's a way to crawl out of window.

Then suddenly, there's an inversion. And it's clear that the bathroom that I'm in is the highest point on the boat. And the upper deck of the boat has become the lowest point on the boat.

So, I am now sitting above all of my colleagues who are in the space below me on the upper deck.

Then, I hear machine-gun fire coming from below me. And I know that all of my colleagues are being gunned down by the dangerous woman and that everyone on the upper deck is now dead.

I am afraid that bullets may come up through the floor."

At the time that I had this dream, I didn't know what it meant.

But knowing that I ended up losing my job because Kristen and Cathy didn't find me a good fit for the culture of the school indicates to me that some wisdom was coming through in this dream, preparing me for the death of that career and the death of my relationships with the people at that school.

And the dangerous woman was what made it to where I could never full show up in my full power as a school teacher... as the version of me that shows up in my current life just doesn't fit into that institution. It doesn't really fit into any institutions outside of the ones that I create myself. 

But the issue with that is that it requires me to wield power to create social contexts that I can exist in. 

But power brings me to the awareness of how dangerous my power can be... and that creates a self-diminishing effect to lessen my power because I don't trust my capacity for avoiding harm.

This is part of harm OCD. I don't even drive because I'm so afraid of harming others.

And I have avoided many external world skills to cultivate because it felt safer to cultivate inner world skills. And it's occurred to me in the past 11 years how very dangerous my inner world can be when exposed to the light of day. This gives me very ambivalent feelings about sharing my insights... as part of me feels that the only responsible thing is to keep them to myself. But that can also feel like such a loss.

So, this leaves me always teetering between a hopefulness that I can be a medicinal force to other people... and an intense anxiety and dread that my nature and my perspective is an anti-nutrient and poison to the world, which overburdens me with the vulnerability of others.

And I feel like I'm too strong and that others are too weak, where I feel I must absorb everything from others and emit nothing.

So, in this view, I am a tiger among bunny rabbits... and I love the bunny rabbits. So, I try to step very gingerly around them because a single moment of clumsiness from the tiger can split the bunny rabbit in half. 

Edited 11 hours ago by Emerald

[Psychonaut]

28 minutes ago, Emerald said:

The Dangerous Woman

I'm going to share with you a dream about a Shadow Aspect of mine. But first, some context needs to be established...

• I had this dream in the Summer of 2014. At that time, I'd just completed my first year as a high school graphic design teacher. And I was about to enter my second year teaching.
• I conceived my youngest child (my son) around this time. But I don't know if I knew I was pregnant yet.
• About 1/2 way through my second year teaching, it was clear that the Assistant Principal (Kristen) wanted to get rid of me. And it was a very stressful and high pressure situation... and I even started losing weight, which is not healthy during pregnancy. And when I was 8.5 months pregnant, I was brought in by Kristin and Cathy (the principal) and told that I wouldn't be having a job the next year because I "wasn't a good fit for the culture of the school". Teachers in Florida in their first 3 years can be let go of for any reason and no reason and not have their contract renewed. 
• My first year as a teacher was smooth sailing. And I didn't expect any of these issues to arise at the time that I had this dream.
• When my contract wasn't renewed, it felt like the nail in the coffin to a 20-year long dream of being a school teacher as my contract non-renewal would be read as a firing. And so, I started thinking of what I wanted to do instead, after having put all my eggs in the basket becoming a teacher.  I considered briefly becoming a stand-up comedian. But then, I decided that I was going to create YouTube videos sharing my insights... and revisited a musing that came up when I was 12 around "being a philosopher". But being a realistic and sensible kid, I was like, "That's not possible. I'll stick with the school teacher dream," a dream I had since I was in kindergarten. But my Youtube channel was successful and I now make my living as a coach. And I'm relatively well-known in my niche.

I share all of this context because the dream I'm about to share is very prescient to the circumstances that led to the creation of my YouTube channel and that path that I'm currently on. 

And the themes of "the dangerous woman" (which is what I call this dream character) are becoming more and more relevant to me in recent years as I struggle with owning my power, for fear of harming others and for fear of "being bad/unethical". My Moral Scrupulosity OCD and Harm OCD have been off the charts for the past 5 years, which has led me to really pulling my punches with my online presence and power to help... purely out of fear of harming.

And I ultimately fear that I am dangerous to others just by existing. And there are fears that the fruits of my insights are poisonous fruits from a poisonous tree... despite having a deep unshakable trust that my perspective is also medicinal in an uncommon way.

But medicine is also often a poison. 

So, I feel powerful and dangerous and poisonous all the time. So, I try to dilute my power and become safe and good... but at the expense of the medicine of my perspective. (This is also why I come here and get into little intellectual arguments, as it's my only space to engage in intellectual bumper cars without being overtly worried about harming others)

And ultimately, I think it's being the "dangerous woman" that put me on the radar of the principal and assistant principal as a poor culture fit for their school.

But that exile from the dream that I had from age 5 to age 25 reinforced this sense of, "poisonous fruit from a poisonous tree" and feeling like the only ethical and responsible thing to do is to exile myself from society like a pariah in order to avoid harming others with my strange way of operating and my dangerous perspective that is a contaminant from the perspective of many social contexts.

So, I will share a dream that gave me a sneak peak about what was to come about in the time range of 6-9 months after I had this dream....

"Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are a buddy-cop duo who are both working together on a case to find a woman who is meant to have committed some major crimes. Though the crimes are never specified, it's clear that she's on the most wanted list.

And it's not just the cops that are after her. There are also criminals who are after her as well. 

There is a picture of her that the buddy cops have. She's a pretty middle-aged woman with long black hair. She looks very respectable... and has the vibe of a very put-together woman who has a white collar job and goes to PTA meetings for her kids. She doesn't look anything like a dangerous criminal... but she is one.

Upon waking, I decided to call this woman, "The Dangerous Woman".

Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are knocking on door in downtown Saint Augustine, trying to find leads to track down this woman. And they knock on the door of a trailer park and a man who beats his wife and kids comes out to talk to them. But nothing comes of that lead.

Meanwhile, just like it's a movie, the camera cuts to me. And I am several blocks away from where Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci are in the downtown area. 

And even though I don't know how I'm connected to the dangerous woman and I don't think I've ever met her... I know that I am affiliated with her in some way.

So, the cops are trying to find me. And the criminals are trying to find me too.

The cops want to arrest me. The criminals want to kill me.

And I am trying to act cool and nonchalantly find a secret path (which doesn't exist irl) in the downtown that will lead to a dirt trail, where I can get away on foot from the cops and criminals.

I take one step onto the dirt trail, and the criminals have found me and are surrounding me... but Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Pesci have not.

I somehow get away, but I can't recall how.

And I end up boarding a docked cruise liner where there is a party for all the faculty and staff of the high school that I work at. 

I enter into the main lobby of the cruise ship, which has a fancy old-style vibe with mahogany wood and red carpets. And I am talking to a few of my fellow teachers. There are probably 30-40 teachers and staff members in that lobby.

Then Kristen (the assistant principal I mentioned above) comes in with Cathy (the principal) to make an announcement. It's clear that she and Cathy are going to address something very serious.

Kristen says something like, "We know that one of you is affiliated with a criminal. And we will find out who it is. And when we do, you will be fired and arrested."

I immediately know that I'm the person who's afflicted with the criminal and that the criminal is the dangerous woman, and I'm very anxious about this warning. But I must hide my anxiety.

Kristen and Cathy start having everyone in the room evacuate through a doorway to a stairwell that only goes up. The stairway leads to the upper deck of the cruise boat.

I start moving to the doorway like I'm also going to evacuate up the upper deck.

But instead, I go through a doorway directly to the right of that doorway. And it opens out to a stairwell that only goes down.

And I am sure that no one has noticed this doorway and that I have not been seen taking this doorway.

My plan is to go to the bottom-most point of the boat and hide there to lay low.

I go down and down and down on the stairs, feeling like I'm nearly in the clear. No one knows I'm there, and no one has seen me.

Then, right as I'm getting to the bottom of the stairs and about to go around a bend to the bottom-most area of the boat... an attractive middle aged dark haired woman with short hair round the corner. And she looks right at me.

It doesn't occur to me at the time. But this is the dangerous woman with her hair cut short.

But I am kicking myself and worried because my attempt at hiding away unnoticed has failed. And I am expecting for everyone to know that I am here... and I have drawn attention to myself.

So, I duck into the bathroom and lock myself in, and I decide to pretend that I have diarrhea as the explanation for why I haven't evacuated to the upper floor of the boat.

Then, a lady from the guidance department that I work with knocks on the door and asks me what I'm doing. And I tell her, "I'll be right up. I just have a really bad stomach." And I am sitting on the toilet to try to be more convincing (though she can't see me, it still feels important to do in order to be convincing).

She goes back upstairs to inform the others that I'm down in the bathroom... which is the bottom-most room in the boat.

And I'm still sitting on the toilet, going through all of my options of how I'm going to get out of this situation and avoid losing my job and going to prison. I am wondering if there's a way to crawl out of window.

Then suddenly, there's an inversion. And it's clear that the bathroom that I'm in is the highest point on the boat. And the upper deck of the boat has become the lowest point on the boat.

So, I am now sitting above all of my colleagues who are in the space below me on the upper deck.

Then, I hear machine-gun fire coming from below me. And I know that all of my colleagues are being gunned down by the dangerous woman and that everyone on the upper deck is now dead.

I am afraid that bullets may come up through the floor."

At the time that I had this dream, I didn't know what it meant.

But knowing that I ended up losing my job because Kristen and Cathy didn't find me a good fit for the culture of the school indicates to me that some wisdom was coming through in this dream, preparing me for the death of that career and the death of my relationships with the people at that school.

And the dangerous woman was what made it to where I could never full show up in my full power as a school teacher... as the version of me that shows up in my current life just doesn't fit into that institution. It doesn't really fit into any institutions outside of the ones that I create myself. 

But the issue with that is that it requires me to wield power to create social contexts that I can exist in. 

But power brings me to the awareness of how dangerous my power can be... and that creates a self-diminishing effect to lessen my power because I don't trust my capacity for avoiding harm.

This is part of harm OCD. I don't even drive because I'm so afraid of harming others.

And I have avoided many external world skills to cultivate because it felt safer to cultivate inner world skills. And it's occurred to me in the past 11 years how very dangerous my inner world can be when exposed to the light of day. This gives me very ambivalent feelings about sharing my insights... as part of me feels that the only responsible thing is to keep them to myself. But that can also feel like such a loss.

So, this leaves me always teetering between a hopefulness that I can be a medicinal force to other people... and an intense anxiety and dread that my nature and my perspective is an anti-nutrient and poison to the world, which overburdens me with the vulnerability of others.

And I feel like I'm too strong and that others are too weak, where I feel I must absorb everything from others and emit nothing.

So, in this view, I am a tiger among bunny rabbits... and I love the bunny rabbits. So, I try to step very gingerly around them because a single moment of clumsiness from the tiger can split the bunny rabbit in half. 

The dangerous woman is Kali, I know her very well - I have been married to her . Sorry I didn't read the entire post yet, but I recognize a "Kali-Post" when I see a "Kali-Post" which stems from Katharis (read: cathartic writing).

Katharsis is another female that I know very well, she has been with me for over 10 years, when my journey began.

 

And as-a-man I allow myself one-comment: "You only get to know the remaining 0.00000000000001% to 10% of poison when you break up with a woman".

 

Here is a formula for the "red-pill-community"

Character-of-woman-during-relationship = 100%

TRUE-Character-of-woman-during-relationship = Character-of-woman-during-relationship - breakup-stress !

breakup-stress >>>>>>> than what you imagined (just read through all my shit with women XD)

TRUE-character always < 100%

 

For example here: 

Note on the post above: This relationship actually went through a full 6 month breakup into a round-2 1-month-hiatus that was orders of magnitude worse than the first breakup. I don't want to talk about it publicly. It was a spiritual-rape from her side.

I know the side of your story as a "sensitive", but not soft man that has struggled with women for over 10 years. And it is the same story over and over and over and over and over again.

I have also watched way to many interviews of serial-killers, murderers, psychotic-people that now I am just way more careful with women in general. I just pray to god that the last woman that ran off comes back, because she was really perfect, but she didn't want a relationship, she just wanted friends. That is a case that I have never experienced and still leaves me completely dumb-founded.

That woman turned out to have a diagnosed BPD-disorder, drug-use-disorder and a not diagnosed mental disorder "hidden narcissism" == "spiritual narcissism" == "I want to kill myself every day and I don't know why"

Edited 10 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Psychonaut said:

The dangerous woman is Kali.

I can see some commonalities with Kali.

And I do think that this dangerous woman has to do with the "death mother" archetype more generally.

I think the woman in this music video below is a pretty good archetypal representation of the darker death-oriented sides of the Feminine, which is a major part of what connects me to my own power. And when I'm connected to that raw energy, I feel really alive.

But I end up resisting that for fear that my power is dangerous because I worry about my capacity to wield power.

I can also relate this to characters like Edward Scissorhands or Vash the Stampede who can unintentionally cause a lot of harm, just because they exist with a special power of sorts. (Ironically, I was obsessed with Vash when I was 13 and Edward Scissorhands when I was 15, and I just now realized why they may have spoken to me so much and been such a fixation. They're both well-intentioned characters who must go into exile because society is not safe with them in it (in the case of Vash)... and because society doesn't feel safe with them in it (in the case of Edward Scissorhands).

 

[Psychonaut]

Edward scissor-hands is Johnny Depps master-piece.

• "But I end up resisting that for fear that my power is dangerous because I worry about my capacity to wield power."
  • => All woman do sooner or later in a relation-ship, at least from my experience. Once the woman merges with the man and looses her-self (her essence) than all is lost. A woman needs to also have a spiritual practice, which might not actually even be just meditation. Yoga for example imo is female-meditation..... ( a woman needs to find ways to feel her body that doesn't involve "me-as-a-man" fucking the shit out of her || Excuse my french madame)
• "the Death-monster"
  • Kali in Tantra => Transformation is possible (through repentance, blablabla)
  • Death is-shit in western shit religions

The song is beautiful, btw 

I keep re-reading your post and the only thing I get is "woman are waaaaay more observant than men" and I think that is a good thing. The shit you noticed in the dream is just out of this world. Thanks for sharing 

This makes me think of my mother, she knows me the best out of all the woman in my life and I keep wondering why my women never went to my mother, she would have given them the user-manual on how to deal-with-me, because she had to deal with my shit since age 0 . https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=RTFM!!!

Edited 10 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Emerald]

9 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

 

• "But I end up resisting that for fear that my power is dangerous because I worry about my capacity to wield power."
  • => All woman do sooner or later in a relation-ship, at least from my experience. Once the woman merges with the man and looses her-self (her essence) than all is lost. 

My fears in this regard have to do with the fact that I have a moderate-sized audience that I'm somewhat responsible for the well-being of.

And there are many vulnerable people who are out there. So, I have to think a lot about how to put my signal out there to my audience in the most responsible way possible. And I've made some mistakes in that regard over the past 11 years that I've learned from, but that were not on my radar before I learned them.

So, I get obsessive about it and take way too much responsibility for things outside of my control because I can't always know when I'm potentially causing harm. And this leads me to diminish my signal and my power because I feel torn about embodying the power of being a public figure.

And I feel torn as part of me recognizes my perspective as uncommonly medicinal... and another part of me recognizes that (to some people) my perspective could be a poison and not a medicine.

This ends up complicating my feelings about my life's purpose and about the work I've created, where I can get in the spin of... "Is it the elixir? Or is it an anti-nutrient to the world?"

So, it's kind of a railroad problem. And the more powerful you are, the more railroad problems you're going to have to deal with that you must take accountability for.

And all of this responsibility-taking is heavy to me, as I don't have boundaries on my level of responsibility that I take. I can literally feel like I'm responsible for all the suffering in the world as an extension of the harm OCD patterns... and I can feel like I'm a villain because of the moral scrupulosity OCD patterns.

So, part of me wants simply to self-exile and go practice my craft/power in isolation where I cannot harm anyone... like Elsa from Frozen or like Edward Scissorhands when he goes back to his castle and never returns.