5 years of making music semi-seriously

[Applegarden8]

In 2020-2021 I wish I made an EP. Then I made like 2 hours of music. Every album was better than the previous one.

New one is coming soon. While it does sound indescribable and wonderful to my ears. It's nothing really special and it's as ordinary as can be.

I am facing immense insecurity of not wanting to do what the others are doing with their lives like having spouses and making children. It's wonderful and let them have it. But the societal and collective unconscious gets to me. I trigger them and they trigger me. Nothing needs to he said. But I reflect. And something has happened with my meditation practice as I described earlier. Sadhguru elaborates this on his Dream Yantra. Where the prarabdha karma of an individual gets loosened, it shrinks and one experiences the feeling of being porous. That's what I can relate to whatever is happening to me. And that energy is also expressing trough my music or expressing when I am listening to music. It's something interesting I never really thought possible but yet it's as ordinary as can be. The magic of life is there. There is extreme and I mean extreme highs and lows switching by the minute. And I am the reality itself experiencing every phenomenon. I am working, paying taxes and everything. I sold my car 4 years ago and I go to my work by walking. Some people have a big status problem with me. How come you "don't do anything".  Well what is there to do? Apart from the essentials I will not do anything without grace. Music comes from within. I can't be productive with it. I need time. Sometimes I need to forget it. But I do play guitar regularly. I reduced my screen time for socials and sites like these because I started playing Dota 2, hahahaha. My colleagues also joined. That is a bit odd, I need to play less, but I will fine tune it. It makes me more productive with my chores and it oddly gives me space for creativity. I used to install and delete it. But now I want it on my PC and to postpone the thought of playing just to do whatever is needed or to give space for music. Then I can play, no problem. Other than that my health has gone a bit better. I stopped drinking coffee after 2 years of trying. That was hard. But It really dropped off one day. Same with celibacy. While the wet dreams are there, fantasies at night and in the morning, I haven't felt better ever since I stopped serving off and that is 2+ years going. I don't even remember doing it. And I have been meditating regularly and a lot. I still listen to Sadhguru, Nithyananda etc. my life is very different than it was 10 years ago. I am very happy I did meditate and did not jump into a relationship. I don't care I am a virgin. I'll be for the rest of my life if I have to or want to. There is a big advantage in that nobody talks about except the gurus, sages and sadhus who did it also. Relationship is also beautiful of course but. I will farm those energies, move them upward, experience some interesting things, focus on my health and the core epistemics of life. In any situation, any body and decision energy does not go missing. If you judge people by their life you never have their full picture. Who are you to assert what they should do or how should they be. It's because you want to validate your reality. But reality does not hold any position. Either you have access to the source of creation or god or whatever or not. And to what extent. That and the health of your body will determine your happiness, ability to manifest your true desires or to renounce it all and look in deeper. Even though I might be bored at work, pounded with rejection, comparison, disdain, envy, hatred and lethargy, there is a fine degree of porousness, bliss and happiness. I can be very happy by my own nature when I am alone. I almost can't describe it. But I forget that. I keep forgetting that I am the source. But I am the truth what else can I be. Thanks @Leo Gura.