Post Death Meditation Reflections

[Zenterus]

Today I was reminded that the way I've been living is often devoid of true passion, urgency, and abundance. I know there is so much more life available to me than the one I've been settling for.

One thing became painfully clear: what I'm missing isn't more achievements. It's community.

I don't need hundreds of friends. I only need a small circle of people who truly know me and love me. Three, four, maybe five people who have my back and who I have theirs. People I can laugh with, create with, call when life is hard, and share ordinary moments with. I want to sit in the park together, have deep conversations, host dinners, make art, read books, travel, and simply enjoy being alive together.

The reason I don't have that isn't because I'm incapable of it. It's because I'm afraid.

Deep down, I'm afraid of letting people get close enough to reject me. I'm afraid that if they truly knew me, they would see me as deficient or not enough. That same fear is the reason I struggle with relationships. I protect myself by choosing certainty over vulnerability. I avoid the women I truly want because being rejected by someone I genuinely like feels too painful. Instead, I move toward situations where I don't have to risk my heart.

But that isn't the life I want anymore.

I'm here for such a short time.

I'm already getting older. Even if I live a long, healthy life, my years of youth and physical freedom are limited. I don't have endless time to postpone living. Every year I spend hiding behind fear is a year I'll never get back.

One day I will die.

Maybe there is something after death. Maybe there isn't. But what I know for certain is that I am conscious right now. Somehow I woke up into this mysterious experience called life, and one day that experience will end.

That realization isn't depressing.

It's liberating.

It means there is absolutely no reason to spend my one life playing small.

My experience of life matters because it's the only one I will ever have. I don't want to live according to my parents' expectations, society's expectations, or anyone else's definition of success. I want to live in a way that feels deeply alive to me.

I want to connect.

I want to create.

I want to love.

I want to read books in the park simply because it brings me joy. I want to call friends instead of waiting for them to call me. I want to visit my brother just because I can. I want to make time for the people I love.

I want to create art.

I want to make videos where I simply sit in nature and share what I'm thinking. I don't want to hide behind perfection or scripts. I want to speak honestly about life, pain, growth, purpose, and love. I want to share my perspective because that's who I am. I'm a deep person, and I want to stop apologizing for that.

I want to draw.

I want to write.

I want to read.

I want to build my YouTube channel in a way that feels authentic to me.

I want to express myself freely without worrying about whether I'm good enough.

Worth has nothing to do with any of this.

I don't need to earn permission to live.

I'm already here.

I'm already conscious.

That is enough.

Instead of constantly asking whether I'm worthy, I want to ask whether I'm truly living.

I don't need to wait until I have the perfect career, the perfect apartment, or the perfect circumstances before I start living passionately.

Yes, I'll continue studying. I'll work hard, I'll pursue a career that gives me financial freedom and purpose. I'll explore my educational options carefully.

But none of that means I have to postpone living.

I can still call a friend.

I can still join dance classes.

I can still start martial arts again.

I can still create.

I can still laugh.

I can still love.

I can still host dinners.

I can still build the community I've always wanted.

Eventually, I want my life to be centered around connection. I want to wake up every morning asking myself, "How can I bring value to someone's life today? How can I show more love today?"

That's the life I want.

Not one built on fear.

Not one built on validation.

One built on connection.

Because connection requires vulnerability.

If I want deep friendships, I have to let people know me.

If I want real love, I have to risk rejection.

If I want a meaningful life, I have to stop waiting.

Life isn't happening later.

Life is happening now.

So I choose to live now.

I choose to connect now.

I choose to create now.

I choose to love now.

I choose to be fully myself.

My time is limited.

That isn't a reason to be afraid.

It's the greatest reason to truly live.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Just wanted to reach out and let you know - you aint' alone.

While I haven't been through what you have directly - in all its unique configurations - I have had to face what you describe following a caustic relationship. A relationship that forced to me to really peer into how I was contributing to dynamics with people and inviting those into my life (after also assessing that these patterns were now unwanted, unneeded, and now holding me back). I had reached a stage where I had learned what I needed to from the cyclical engagement -  the message was finally received. This was peak 'insanity' in terms of the dynamic I was attracting. It was a subtle pattern I had to live out - that became louder and louder - until it was screaming with enough intensity my bones, sinew, nerves, mind and SOUL all riled in terror: STOP!

Regarding romantic relationships - I went through a period of refraction. I wanted it all, uncompromisingly. I had a list of things I would NEVER tolerate. But my list of wants, for one person to shoulder, was too great.

I relinquished this. I am now happy to not need it all from one partner. I don't mind the flaws, the fragility. The vulnerability. The non-perfection. They don't have to tick all the boxes. I relish in the imperfection now - because I accept my own. I just love having someone to eat up the richness of shared experience and friction it creates. Like the fire now, the winds of chaos and uncertainty of being with another in intimacy energise me - spread and enhance the fire and passion. The wind doesn't knock me down any longer. 

I fullfil my needs through close community and intimate non-romantic relationships, and quiet reflective solitude. A small, rock solid circle of mates, family 

I don't need one person to be it all.

Edited 2 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru