holy shit it's all a dream, i am all alone. I awoken.

[Sugarcoat]

14 minutes ago, Dodo said:

As a guy who jumped during psychosis, i can say, it hurts like fk. No, in a dream at night it doesn't. No consequences in a dream. In waking? My bones are slowly healing and I am in pain every time I walk. 

God did not catch me and stop me from falling. I did not turn into a wave and start flying. A network of specialists patched me up and got me back. 

i am so sorry you went through that ❤️

i just woke up from a disturbing dream, so i feel extra sensitive to hearing about this dark stuff in this moment. I’ve thought before how you sound kinda bright to me, so it’s a bit surprising to hear, but I’ve always had an extra open mind for that stuff and not assumed it’s only “deranged” people who can develop those experiences …

Edited Saturday at 11:53 PM by Sugarcoat

[Breakingthewall]

On 3/7/2026 at 9:03 PM, Sugarcoat said:

also have in some way but for me it's kinda the opposite of the sort of extroverted tendency im getting from you. For me, the intense energy inside makes me struggle to engage with the world at all, even sometimes with basic chores, or just with replying. It has been very exhausting at times, so ive always sort of had this tendency where I try to release the pent up energy. I also recently from this kundalini rising energy (it seems to be that, based on descriptions), have developed another thing keeping me "imprisoned " and its this "forced sleepiness"

For me the point would be exposure and let's see what arises. Going out of the comfort zone to know yourself. 

[Sugarcoat]

@Breakingthewall it’s so funny to me how you’re responding , also to other people lately , maybe last year and before I felt you had this “unreachable” vibe that some of you that write this almost exclusively methaphysical stuff give off (from my pov and i know im not only one) . As if you have to have had those same experiences to be able to join in (to understand/relate to each other) or something . I always respond sooner or later when it’s interesting , but maybe what I wrote before makes it obvious why I’m slow 

Edited Monday at 04:13 PM by Sugarcoat

[Breakingthewall]

30 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

so funny to me how you’re responding

In what sense? I'm quite transparent, at least it's what I try 

About metaphysical stuff I try to be precise. It's a topic extremely interesting to me. 

Edited Monday at 04:39 PM by Breakingthewall

[Sugarcoat]

23 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

In what sense? I'm quite transparent, at least it's what I try 

About metaphysical stuff I try to be precise. It's a topic extremely interesting to me. 

I meant, in simple words, that it’s funny ~that~ you’re responding not ~what~ you’re responding. I tried to explain simply already in previous reply, it’s chill tho 

 

Edited Monday at 05:00 PM by Sugarcoat

[Breakingthewall]

41 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I meant, in simple words, that it’s funny ~that~ you’re responding not ~what~ you’re responding. I tried to explain simply already in previous reply, it’s chill tho 

 

I don't understand. I just wrote some remembers and feelings just because I felt inspired, not just answering. Same time I tried to answer or follow the thread of the conversation 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-03 at 11:06 PM, Breakingthewall said:

I meant my family not the people from the forum 😅.  (Later I will read again your post to comment, now I'm inspired in remembers)

My family's situation was an enigma to me. I saw fragments, but being inside it made it almost impossible to understand. I knew something was deeply wrong but I thought it was me, and during my teenage years I descended into an increasingly dark state until I reached a level of brutal psychological suffering.

Resume, my father was a con artist, a complete son of a bitch and a world-class self-destructive alcoholic. For example, he underwent surgery for throat cancer at the age of thirty-eight, and afterward he smoked ninety cigarettes a day and drank an entire bottle of gin, starting with breakfast. That, in itself, isn't unique, there are many self-destructive alcoholics, but my father was an a genius of lie. He created the appearance of being a leader, a genius, an artist, an idol, a ubermensch. This was a man who had spent ten years at university without passing a single course and had been fired from every job he ever held, but he managed to have contacts, and women in love of him, what was translated in money.

In short, I wanted to be like him. He was my idol and my god. He used to give me long lectures about Hitler as the greatest achievement of the human race. When I was eleven, he would say, "Let's shower together, like men," then compare our bodies and repeat over and over that my penis was small, that he was perfect and I was disgusting. Then he would buy me an expensive gift and tell me my mother was mentally retarded. And I would think: He's not a man. He's a god. Then I would do my best effort to be a piece of shit, seeing any integrity as weakness. 

In my mind there was a religion: my father, that living god, that supreme being, that avatar of perfection, and I was fortunate enough to have been insulted by him.
Eventually I reached a point where I understood nothing. I didn't dare speak to anyone. If I went to the supermarket, I couldn't even bring myself to speak to the cashier because I didn't know what I was supposed to say, what attitude I should show. Everything felt insane, alien, unreal. My mind was a whirlwind of self-directed aggression. Every tiny humiliation I had ever experienced echoed over and over again, like the crack of a whip.

Then, one day, I was walking alone through the countryside, trapped in rumination and suffering, when something happened. It was overwhelming. Inside my mind I felt what seemed like a massive steel gear, weighing tons, slowly turning until, with one final, decisive impact, it locked perfectly into place.
I couldn't believe it. It felt like a miracle. Suddenly, all doubt disappeared.
My mind became a vector. It was like a samurai tying the band around his forehead before committing seppuku, without the slightest hesitation. absolute certainty. I was eighteen or nineteen years old.
From that moment on, reality became war, and there were only two possibilities: win or die. Everything became radically simple. There was nothing left to weigh, nothing left to analyze.
Of course, everything remained incredibly difficult. I still couldn't talk to people. I still couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even remember my mother, who had died three years earlier. I knew she had existed, but I couldn't retrieve a single memory of her.
My psyche was like a massive slab of stone, a labyrinth of madness. But the direction, the vector, was absolute.
I never doubted again. 

Then the work for clarify that horrible psyche that my father helped me to build was a interesting mission. If my father wouldn't die around that time maybe I would kill him (well I don't think so but just because the consequences), but if I would saw him now I would say him thanks. No father could be better , he gave me the handicap necessary to make the game interesting and the liberation possible 

To me it really sounded like you meant the people of the forum because of how the sentence was grammatically structured...

That was a really cool read, albeit dark, the story of your father. Since I'm a very health oriented person I thought it just sounded insane that amount of cigarettes and alcohol. That reveals a lot about someone's psyche that they could maintain that. I can't imagine what state he must have been in internally, it's like one of those people that are just incomprehensible to imagine how reality is from their pov. Also I'm a bit puzzled by how those kinds of people are able to maintain a persona that convinces others they are "good". That is some kind of twisted intelligence in them that understands how to play the social games, as if its not only they that are twisted, but its as if their entire psyche beyond their control too, is working together creating this dark person, simplistic description of me but its something Ive started to reflect on recently after observing certain people. 

It makes sense you "fell for it" when you were young, but the idea that someone like that can convince other adults they are so good, makes me wonder if people have terrible intuition. An extreme example I've thought of is those documentaries about serial killers etc. It's just crazy to me, I can't believe nobody could sense something really off, personally I believe I would be able to if I was close to such person but I have yet to confirm it. Just some related thoughts that came to mind.  

I can relate to that description of everything seeming "alien and unreal" as a child. I had that too for some time. To me it related to being so deeply "inside my head", literally felt like that. And because of being so "inside", when something dark appears there, it's felt so strongly, and then you want nothing more than breaking the darkness down. Then maybe someone like your father for example, he had darkness inside but his way of dealing with it was manipulating others and  substance addictions, a very different type of "self destruction" than what you described about how your mind worked (many meanings to the same words..). 

I could say so much more, but I can mention how Ive also been close to someone whom it took me time to realize clearly their darkness but I felt "off" from the very beginning. For me it was like, not only did my discernment for people become deeper and better after realizing how dark that person was (its not just me saying it, they spoke about it too, but in different way than how I saw it), but also, most importantly, something grew and connected inside me, and thats a shift that was worth the experience.,.,

Edited 7 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-04 at 7:54 PM, Breakingthewall said:

I don't perceive them as hostile to me, just like they need to maintain a position that is objectively wrong by self image and I enjoy pocking them forcing them to lie to maintain their position, and seeing how they must showing equanimity to maintain their character, but it's easy to see that they are aggressive (passively). It's like a game. Anyway Vegan is not so bad eh, he has nobility and sometimes says something with any sense, deeply I like him but he's unbearably defensive😂 (defending his enlightenment no self that is an absolute must for his psyche). James is just pure defense 

hmm. Maybe they just genuinely believe things are that way for them, feeling like they are genuinely trying to describe their experience (in more or less poetic way hahaa). I think there is difference between defense for the sake of maintaining a pleasant sense of self, vs defense because you believe in something genuinely based on experience and accumulated knowledge etc, both can coexist at the same time, but one or the other being more dominant in a person. Basically, is the main drive genuineness or not. I am a little "hmmmmm" sometimes too when someone speaks in non dual way but I just seem to sense so much "person" from them that I cant tell what place they are actually speaking from, but I like that, its mysterious to me

Edited 7 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-04 at 8:15 PM, Breakingthewall said:

You don't understand that people. It's not that they don't understand and if I made them understand everything would be ok. It's that they need to be above the other because their inner dynamic is that. It's not that we could get an agreement, it's that if they know that the other have a devastating cancer they would feel happiness. Of course in any case, never, they would admit. When you open your eyes to the real human dynamic, you understand why humans and war are always together.

Look this: I played a trick on my sister. I asked her to go to therapy with her psychologist to cure my possible mental illness. The truth is, I talked to him and explained the situation. He was pretty slow, the kind of guy who doesn't analyze things and only focuses on the vibe, but he still understood (with difficulty).

Then he told my sister that I wasn't psychotic and that I wanted to go to therapy with all three of us. I knew this was absolutely impossible, but the trick was to make her deny it. Not only that, but she quit the psychologist after eight years of therapy. Ohhhh, so sad. I'm kryptonite to those liars😅

Btw was interesting to talk with him, was amazing observing his procceses. He is there just for validate narcissist and show compassion, and at the end of the session he hugs you . Ufff it was like hugging chancellor palpatine. Come with me, to the compassive side. You are sick, you are suffering, you need my compassive hugs .

In the past they were many people and very professional and was very dangerous, nowadays you use a gps, but anyway getting in an oceanic trip alone in winter is an act of surrender and faith, over all with old boats. You have to be absolutely aligned with the situation, maybe you can't sleep in many days, or you have to put the awaker every 30 min for a week, day and night wet and frozen. You have to feel the boat, the sea, the wind, check everything 1000 times. There is no place to complain, you are a cog not a person. Imo it's very meditative.

I'm absolutely, totally, completely, horribly lazy to start it again but life is one, and the beauty of this is sharing. I almost always sailed with company but girl who didn't share responsibility. I sailed totally alone 5 times, trips 9 days max with old boats I founded in islands to sell them, I don't like at all, I won't do never again. Sharing those trips make your soul close each other, its like being in another dimension.  When it's like an hurricane (not real hurricane but 100km/h wind) with lighting around and waves like mountain back to you and the boat running perfect in the middle of the ocean you feel the power. Also the uncertainly.

People are locked into their thing, and there is need to feel good about it in themselves (which necessitates feeling above the other to some degree as you mentioned) so they have to judge something radically different, its threatening to even consider for a second "maybe he is onto something". I see this everywhere 

What kind of rare breed of therapist you found "doesn't analyze things and only focuses on vibe" hahahahaahahh thats like stoner vibe idk how you getting "chancellor Palpatine" vibe (had to look up what that even is) Also it would be more weird if he understood your situation than not 

"oceanic trip in winter alone" now its not Christopher Columbus anymore now its some Frankenstein book level stuff I can't...Thats like a level of nervous system stimulation need that ADHD diagnosis can't even capture, not even the celebrities living in luxury every day end up doing that kind of stuff

"meditative" , I have no words, you just invented some new category of yogic practice there

How tf could you enjoy company if youre being rocked back and forth by waves and you can't hear each other from thunder sound and the wind is blowing her hair in her face so you can't even see her. If some woman rejects you, shes saving her own life right there with that decision 😂

You sound genuine but the experiences youre sharing  are so wild (from my pov at least) that no amount of seeming genuine can make me not wonder about the reality of it

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

On 2026-07-06 at 3:40 PM, Breakingthewall said:

For me the point would be exposure and let's see what arises. Going out of the comfort zone to know yourself. 

Yea that’s part of it

On 2026-07-06 at 7:43 PM, Breakingthewall said:

I don't understand. 

True Unknowingness 

On 2026-07-06 at 7:43 PM, Breakingthewall said:

I just wrote some remembers and feelings just because I felt inspired, not just answering. Same time I tried to answer or follow the thread of the conversation 

“Some” so you mean you have even more sailing stories? 
 

ok sorry I’m gonna stop now 😂 I just needed this laugh now, I even find humor in the metaphysical talk sometimes but I’ll spare you of that for now.

Edited 3 hours ago by Sugarcoat