Trip Report: Discovering who I am, Understanding Fears, Nerudivergence

[ZeldaStar]

Wanted to share a profound and very intense trip I've had recently.

This trip was a last-minute decision. For some context, before the trip I had just got back from a work offsite trip. Throughout the whole 5 days of the trip, I kept digging into my fears. I've been deep at trying to let go, meditating, doing yoga, reflecting, and trying to overcome my fears. This search was mostly in response to my frustration with myself being less extroverted, less social, and not having the balls to cold approach.

Of course, bringing so much attention and trying so hard to overcome/understand my fears had the opposite impact, and so throughout the work trip I felt more fears than usual. I felt less in the moment, I felt odd, less flowing. And I kept observing how my mind manufactures different fears—like, for example, right before I was about to do a presentation. There was also some drama and some strange vibes I picked up from other people at the offsite, which fed further into my fears.

On my flight back, I felt so frustrated with it all. And I really wanted to understand why. Where are these fears coming from?

So I made the spontaneous decision to take shrooms (1.6 grams) at 7 PM and expand my consciousness so I could finally figure this thing out. It was my third shrooms trip.

About 50 minutes after taking it, I closed my eyes and opened a portal in my imagination to the "spiritual world." The best way I can convey how it looked in words: it was a world that's not bound by material rules, a world with flying spirits laughing about life and the material, and plenty of unusual things happening. I was still myself as an ego, so the world was separate from myself, and I was able to navigate and switch my consciousness between the "real world" and the "spiritual world."

I started laughing about something in the spiritual world, and suddenly I imagined that I was one of a group of 10 identical creatures, just like myself, all laughing together. Suddenly I wondered—who are those people? Are they real? And as I zoomed into an individual person, my mind started going in cycles, contemplating what's better—living as "one," or living with "many" others. It felt like the cycle of thought could go back and forth forever.

Then, I stopped myself from going further, and I tried to re-orient my mind back toward my fears. I asked consciousness over and over again to show me my fears. I wanted to discover what they are.

Consciousness told me it's quite complicated. For my fears are deeply tied to my survival. I understood that my brain has been protecting me, filtering reality from myself. I kept facing some back-and-forth about objections as to why I should not become conscious of my fears, but I persisted in my desire to see them.

At some point after this request, I had a realization: people don't see me the way I imagine they see me.

Suddenly, I became conscious, all at once, of the source. I perceived 1,000 different situations throughout my whole life—situations where I did something wrong, behaved strangely, wasn't able to do a task everyone else was good at, or did something socially unacceptable. The thing is, I experienced those situations not through my own lens, but rather through the lens of the people who saw me in those situations. I realized how my subconscious brain was protecting me by distracting me and using defense mechanisms like playing computer games or watching movies so I wouldn't think too much about how other people perceive me.

And so it occurred to me just how differently an "average" human brain behaves compared to my brain. I believe (but haven't been diagnosed) that I'm neurodivergent. And so I realized that for an "average, unconscious" human brain, it's a painful/icky experience to see someone who does not behave in the standard/regular way within a situation. It's icky to watch someone behave awkwardly.

And I finally understood why—because my personality, and those behaviors in those situations, are uniquely pointing people toward a painful truth: that reality is NOT perfect. I'm... un-beautifying reality. But that doesn't mean I'm ugly. For I have never had problems with learning, success, or achieving anything I've set my mind on. And so with this personality design, a person can't just go ahead and reason to themselves, "Oh, he is worse than me," because I'm probably "better" than them in the objectives they would use to describe "better," like money, looks, morals, intelligence, and kindness. And yet to some people, the design is and will always be ugly, yet they can't "rationalize" it; it's just a "feeling" they get, like something is wrong, different.

I then realized just how controversial it is to create a human that would uniquely, subtly, merely through their existence, demonstrate to people that reality is not perfect. I finally realized this controversy comes all the way back to my birth. Because my own birth was controversial; I was unplanned, born to a mother who only had sex with condoms, was very young, and was told by everyone around her to have an abortion, yet refused to do so.

Finally, I discovered who I am: a part of consciousness that appeared out of infinite consciousness, that became frustrated with how consciousness was going, and decided to birth itself to change things and show consciousness its own flaws. I also realized this part of consciousness is growing, and it's spreading throughout society. I saw that consciousness is evolving forward and for the better.

I then realized I have the choice, and the option, if I choose, to here and now change my personality and become someone completely else. I saw it's just a book we are writing, and I can choose to rewrite this book if I like.

However, I also liked my personality and how my whole existence was structured. It was so beautiful, so elegant, just the right unique, perfect amount of "different." Because while I may be "different"/neurodivergent, it also comes with its talents. Like, yes, I will always suck at learning a new skill for the first time, but whatever I put my mind to, I have the right genetics/motivation/focus that allows me to achieve what I want.

The comedown from this trip was difficult. It was very late (2 AM), and I was left with all of the content of my subconscious mind exposed, just conscious of thousands of different situations in my life where I've made people feel icky/weird. But after a few weeks, I managed to move on and just accept that this is who I choose to be. I've also been able to see more of the other sides and how the creation is only meant to be ugly for a certain type of person. Others, maybe ones whom I would consider "more evolved," see me completely differently—as a kind, positive force in the world.

Edited Friday at 04:05 AM by ZeldaStar

[Human Mint]

On 6/5/2026 at 1:00 AM, ZeldaStar said:

Others, maybe ones whom I would consider "more evolved," see me completely differently—as a kind, positive force in the world.

That made me laugh, but I ain't judging you