Q: To give her the *Cope, or the Truth?

[kavaris]

So i had this very inflammed situatio w/ my mom that ended w/ her making an unusual, almost random statement, and then she layed down (to bed), in the midst of the anxiety and very fueled and active situation goin on in her head (or atleast that what she seemed to be portraying) And i was also getting very fueled (long story)

Ive since spent....oh, say 6 or 7 hours w/ Claude and GPT trying to help me phrase/workout/emotionally resolve the dilemma~which is itself too long of a story, suffice to say that im trying my best here to find the right things to say (once she wakes up — granted, she could even wake up not caring, remembering, or even speaking on anything that had worried her not 1 day before/earlier, as shes a compulsive talker, and will talk-non-stop, about anything thats popped into her head)

And so after this many hours, we landed on something that sounds like the "Cope" (if u know what i mean by that): Like,

"... Its normal for two people in a high stress situation to react that way, especially when you are acting all nervous, and anxiety ridden, as humans naturally take our minds to the worst outcomes imagineable"-typeve thing.

That's sortve the *Cope. Again, its a long story Why its the cope. But then,

i also thought of~something more along the lines of a *Truthful statement, which is a bit harder, and more like, shovving the poop in the dogs face (which obviously i must feel has possible warranting for such a statement/predicament if im even bringin it up):

And it goes something like, "Look, you are trying to take the reigns/lead on everything, and i have been like, through all the shit, just letting it happen, when many times its like, you are tryina handle something you cannot handle, like... "

(granted, i would make it gentler like, "let me take some of those reigns", but heres where the truth comes in, as i still consider that part of the *Coping spectrum still)

That would lead into teaching her like, this thing about "pouring" and how no one pours gasoline meticulously slow ( like we did, by accident ) As no one pours drinks or ANYTHING that slow and off kilter like we did, and because she wouldnt give me even a min to think wat was happening ~ mind you, she also sprung it on me as if it was an emergency, and then, not only did we spill the gasoline all over, she continued freaking out, transitioning to "Theres mold spores everywhere" (im bringing that up cause, im trying outline how like, her mind just goes to all these things at once, and how like, the line between her being very uplifting and happy, vs being highly upset and freakin out~that line is thin and seldom does anyone know the difference w/ her)

So basically im asking like, assuming its even something she brings up to me wen awake, should i like....

Like... do i give her the cope, or the rope? that is, do i just sortve, settle the fire w a coping mechanism, or do i tell her wat i consider more of a truthful reality? Both options sortve feel meh, i realize that. Like, if u had to choose just one, wat would it be for yous you think?

*Feel free to give me a better option. Like, i forgot to say: If you have somethin you feel can be better said, feel free to share it~Anything yous have. Like I didnt mean to suggest that it was only an "A or B" typeve thing here.*

(Note, that marks the end, As i think this last part is me rambling, therefore, u dont even need read this last part)

*p.s. (Dont take this as a negative, as i bring up the following 2parter~as more of like, "hey, anything can happen") That is~keep in mind, the *Rope option could accidentally inflame something i had better left uninflamed. Like thats sortve like, one of those things where we have room to decide, but like, talking bout it, so suddenly, so soon, without it healing, it could be worse, even if its more truthful like. Tho come to think of it, i have ongoing wounds apparently in relationships that the other party is perceiving as a constant reopening of, where even saying hi is considered an inflame somehow, so im jus tryina say like, that sortve emphasizes how the rules can be bent, by virtue of no rules happening (on some level... a level that surely no one fully understands...). like ive been resolving long term jawns that never resolve, so i guess thats the second part. The first part is just short term bs, that i guess dont matter, or if it does, i cant find the answer to it without like, iuno God... Like God help me is what that is, like.. Iuno how to explain it in a way that sounds authentic, though i think im bein too hard on myself here)*

Edited 12 hours ago by kavaris

[theleelajoker]

Feel free to give me a better option

Trust that you will now what to say then the time comes 

[kavaris]

4 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

Feel free to give me a better option

Trust that you will now what to say then the time comes 

Ha. hey. I like that. Ya, thats a good 1, nd i am thinkin like, itll be best served knowing what she ends up saying. As, She could really come out w/ anything, as its really just a toss of the runes~so to speak.

Edited 12 hours ago by kavaris

[kavaris]

I wish Odin or Tyrone or watever the other ones name is, if they could just like, use their voice to just, like,

Like my mom listens to neighbors more than she does me, though like, shes starting to realize like, how im gettin irritated by the "...listen to everyone except the pers., whos 90% right"

but at the sametime, it gives her purpose, And i dont want to yell, holler or fight either, like... Iuno, im now interweaving too many thoughts, feelings & ideas here now, and its sure to cross yous up nd get us all confused. Sorry. Iuno like, like its a moral beast that, if i explained in full, youd see us all crack in trying to wrap our heads around it. She also is havin anxiety bout this surgery thing she has to attend soon, but its like, today wasnt like, exceptionally different, for either of us.

And its been like this for quite a long time, technically my whole life, like...

Like im the expert... and im still cracked like an egg, like... Mentally..inside... im like a prayer of hope, "help.. Help me understand this newish thing, like..."

(Granted im calling it a new thing, but its really the same thing, but getting louder, and making less sense? or something)

Edited 12 hours ago by kavaris

[kavaris]

I also yelled at her, so she mighta been anticipating that like, i was just super fueled up or something, not knowing i am pretty resolved after the first burst. Like im not just banking up things to holler about, forever and ever thatd be crazy. But still, she is the one who is constantly talking, so therefore she is the one, audibly erking and throwing fuel to the fire.

Like im never NOT Upset is wat im tryina say. But i also dont really brood/dwell over it, like... I try to just *think into wats going on, and shes like, making decisions, violently, as if theres like... like im saying, Has anyones parent(s) been in a perptual state of like, neatly sabotaging everything, like... Like i dont know how to resolve the almost sabotage level, like... iuno..

P.s. We already see mental health specialist, so yall dont have to bring that one up. The issues are deeper, though its like, the only way for her to communicate it is to talk your ear off, like... This is me being *quiet, compared to the lvl of talking im talkin bout.

Edited 12 hours ago by kavaris

[kavaris]

She awoke. edit: She went back sleep.

*p.s. i jus feel like she keeps putting me in these very meticulous and precarious positions, that are impossible to navigate due to her having triggered a cascade/fuk ton of like "One thing wrong after another...", like we are talkin like, 5-10 years its been where im like, "Whats happening, And why is it happening" and then shes like "You dont understand, theres mold spores everywhere" - Like what is that? And, why does she have to be *right, about everything?... And its not like she is right about any of this either, as shes made these mistakes over and over and ove (thats partly why im so upset myself, like, who wouldnt be, if almost 100% of the time u were right, and could all be fixed by listening to, youd surely be like 'well wtf now').

For e.g.,  shell say "It turned out to be X...", and then i say "But i told YOU it was X... Why arent you fucking acknowledging anything ive said to be true, like..."

To me, thats a BIG issue, cause its like... Like we are at the edge here, me & her,  Where, her failures ARE MY failures too, and every failure now  is a cascade towards literal death, like... So thats sortve like, part of the "truthful" roads, wherein it may also simultaneously inflame/make things worse i feel, due to her rampant and unwatchful anxiety lvls atm, currently, maybe, hopefully. Hey u know wat, thats the cope i gotta tell myself for now.

Edited 11 hours ago by kavaris

[kavaris]

Like, the Cope i need for myself is phrased as "I dont understand", Not only as a reflection of how i feel, but because the alternative is to explore the relationships between these like, compare&contrast typeve elements, all of which dont fully yet explain what is going on~So theres a point where its just, "It doesnt make sense, i have to just get onboard the sailing ship now/next", like i cant imagine how else to Cope, as its one, and maybe ~ the only other solution/ship that i can sail on. Though, for her, ive no clue~As the solutions she portrays are very worrying, to me, like... Shes making it out like shes dying literally. And thats bein sincere, like shes dying (to use her parlance) and i need to be preparing for that? Like, i mean, thats the *possible truth too, but how do i know? Like, everything could be fine tomorrow, right?

p.s. ive said this before, but everyone ive ever known has died in a totally different and unexpected way, so thats why im sortve like this, 'how do u kno?'

Edited 9 hours ago by kavaris

[Joshe]

I have a similar dynamic with my mom.

Me and my mom are just so cognitively incompatible in a fundamental way. The things I want to talk about, she has zero interest in and vice versa. I'll mention something about an underlying pattern or mechanism and she goes silent. Then, she brings up some inconsequential thing she noticed in the environment and I just can't stick with it for long. 

I concluded that all you can do is not give into resentment, drop expectations, and don't expect that person to provide social fulfillment. Sucks when it's your mom, but it is what it is.

My mom does the same thing with not wanting to recognize the value of my advice. This actually fits the profile of the ISTJ. They don't track who is the smartest or even who has the best record of being right - they track who has the most standing. Seniority, credentials, age, etc. They're oriented towards what they think is "established order". They don't evaluate ideas on merit, but rather on who is saying them. 

Also, I noticed in my mom there's a defensive mechanism involved in ignoring me. If a neighbor gives good advice and she follows it, it costs her nothing. But if her son gives good advice and she follows it, that involves subordinating herself to someone she feels should be below her in the hierarchy. This has been really frustrating to deal with, especially in critical moments involving her health.

It's a very frustrating incompatibility. You're not alone. 

Edited 8 hours ago by Joshe

[theleelajoker]

5 hours ago, kavaris said:

Ha. hey. I like that. Ya, thats a good 1, nd i am thinkin like, itll be best served knowing what she ends up saying. As, She could really come out w/ anything, as its really just a toss of the runes~so to speak.

Make it as simple for you and her as possible, that's what's I'm pointing at. 

It's hard to determine your course of action on your own without her and before the interaction. 

It's typically easier to observe the situation, feel how and where you and her are at the moment, and go with this in a dialogue.

Similar to how you find the best prompts with AI. Sure you have an idea, an intention when you start. But then you need resonance to move on and find what works best