no contact with family members = bypassing healing opportunities/prioritising healing

[Judy2]

hi there:)

things are a bit all over the place here at the moment, so i am partly distracting myself by asking this, but also trying to address at least one tiny piece of the puzzle. 

in the past two months, certain symptoms have gotten a lot worse for me as a result of increased interactions with my parents.  i feel really bad that i am basically still so childish for letting them affect me this deeply - but they are one of my most prominent triggers to this day. most recently, i got triggered quite badly by them simply asking about my future plans and when i will get my degree... - and i have a feeling this lingering dependence on them, even if it is subtle, is also enhancing pressure at the moment. but i'm also stressed in and of itself trying to figure out my career and financial independence. 

i've shared this many times before, but for my anorexia recovery, a critical (life-saving) aspect was moving away, and then i stayed away for five years without visiting once, until last summer. during this time, we had a number of phone calls that resulted in similar bad reactions on my end, though. 

due to my current increase in difficult symptoms, i am wondering again if reducing contact with my parents is the only way for me to get better. i guess the alternative would be to radically improve our communication and my own stress tolerance during our interactions, but i don't even know if i want this... sometimes i don't even want to improve things with my parents - i just want to RUN. 

...but they're also not bad enough for me to cut them out completely. i like comparing myself to my brother and, for reference, he seems to be okay when interacting with my parents, or at the very least he experiences less personal conflict when trying to navigate being close vs. needing space. 

 

so i guess my question is - is it healthy to reduce contact or is that the lazy/easy way out that actually bypasses any opportunities we'd have to improve together? 

is my unwillingness to give this a try just avoidance of the growth we could achieve together if we actually wanted to? 

 

i also keep wondering to what degree i am just weird and a horrible person that acts weird for no reason vs. my parents are toxic and it is only natural i turned out this way. or something inbetween - it's hard to tell how much of what i feel is justified vs. just toxic.

Edited yesterday at 03:44 PM by Judy2

[Elliott]

There's probably literally no one that escapes the parental toxicity cycle without reducing contact. You feeling bad about reducing contact is from their probably lifelong psychological manipulation they've done to you. Even people in non toxic families reduce contact for certain periods in life, it's healthy, probably necessary: they're just not made to feel guilty about it, because it's normal.

Edited yesterday at 03:53 PM by Elliott

[Judy2]

@Elliott okay, that's a helpful way of looking at it. thank you:)

[theleelajoker]

Don't know final answers, but some questions and pointers that might be helpful:

• You're working on yourself, on your family relationships, you're reflecting and looking for ways to improve your life quality and that if others --> hope you already gave yourself some credit for this if not, hope you're considering doing this now. 
• "Weird and horrible person acting weird for no reason" --> I would let go of this thought completely. IMO there are always logical reasons, and your reaction makes 100% sense given whatever life experiences you had. Doesn't mean that is constructive or beneficial. But it's never weird. Can't be. It's just systemic reactions and adaptation. Psychology is in some ways like math: you don't put 1+1 into a calculator and then say the result = 2 is weird. It's just cause and effect. 
• "Are you bypassing? Can you achieve things together? Healthy to reduce contact?" ---> maybe instead of looking for black/white answer, see it more as an experiment. Or better, as many small experiments. How would you know what's good for you? What small experiences would give you evidence towards the one or the other? How can you test it as easy and fun as possible? Small real life tests to validate your ideas. Start more contact with a phone call, or just 30 minutes visit for coffee. Then evaluate. Or stay away for time X, then see what happens. Be open to change, as others as well as you are in constant flux.
• Be aware where you put your attention. As an idea, in your next post name at least one thing you are proud of, one thing you're happy about re your actions. I'm saying this because I have the impression that this is something you don't do naturally a lot? 

[Hojo]

You just need to be honest.

'When are you getting your degree?'

'Fuck off retard'

Not 

'When are you getting your degree?'

*oh my God what should I say? I wasnt thinking about it, I dont really want to but I have to pretend that I want too or am interested in it, ect, ect ,ect.*

Stop letting other peoples words effect your mental state.

God created you not your parents, God will take care of you everywhere you go.

You act weird cause you are trying to people please, its hard to do with parents but you gotta just say mind your own damn business. Ill get it when I want, if I want.

Edited 1 hour ago by Hojo

[theleelajoker]

1 minute ago, Hojo said:

You just need to be honest.

'When are you getting your degree?'

'Fuck off retard'

Please, this is good advice? Better, more balanced ways of doing that.

"When are you getting your degree?"

"Thanks for your interest in me and my life. For caring enough about to ask. Appreciate it. I don't know and you know I don't know when I will get my degree. Now, fuck off"

[Hojo]

@theleelajokerI added it at the end. When I speak I speak in extremes to show a point of what you can do, and its okay. When I say fuck off retard I am making an extreme point.

I speak in hypothetical extremes.

She can be nicer if she wants or dosent have too. Its just an extreme hypothetical direction I am pointing too saying go in that direction.

Edited 1 hour ago by Hojo

[theleelajoker]

7 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@theleelajokerI added it at the end. When I speak I speak in extremes to show a point of what you can do, and its okay.

My previous post doesn't make sense anymore after your edit 

Doesn't matter I understand your POV and intent 

Edited 1 hour ago by theleelajoker

[Judy2]

@theleelajoker yes you're right that i'm a bit of a black and white thinker, and i'm working on that. actually, now that you bring this up, sometimes in my posts i drift off too much and focus on all the things going wrong - haven't found the right format to share the things that are going well, or maybe that would feel awkward because who cares? with negativity, at least it's sort of justified that i reach out for help because i'm suffering. if i randomly start writing about what songs i played on the piano today, people might get confused:) 

 i like your idea of treating my struggles as a series of small experiments. that certainly adds some nuance:)

[Judy2]

22 minutes ago, Hojo said:

You just need to be honest.

'When are you getting your degree?'

'Fuck off retard'

Not 

'When are you getting your degree?'

*oh my God what should I say? I wasnt thinking about it, I dont really want to but I have to pretend that I want too or am interested in it, ect, ect ,ect.*

Stop letting other peoples words effect your mental state.

God created you not your parents, God will take care of you everywhere you go.

You act weird cause you are trying to people please, its hard to do with parents but you gotta just say mind your own damn business. Ill get it when I want, if I want.

the confusing thing is that i would identify as a people pleaser in certain social contexts, but around my parents i seem to be almost the opposite. sometimes i give silent treatments and stuff, which i wouldn't do around other people. it feels like it would literally hurt me to be nice, friendly and forthcoming to them.

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2

[Hojo]

@Judy2 if you have anxiety it means you want to please them. If you didn't have anxiety it would mean you can be yourself and say what you want without anxiety. You can not know how to please them and still want to. That what leads to the anxiety. You feel you have to be a certain way but don't want too so you just shut down. The people pleasing aspect is still there and its whats causing the shut down. You can want to please them because you see them as an asset when you need or you can be doing it because you dont want to fail them. It can be many things.

Like if I don't do what they want they will cut me off or not help me.

Edited 1 hour ago by Hojo

[Hojo]

@theleelajoker i edit it before the reply but not before you physically started replying xd.

[Judy2]

@Hojo i have anxiety because i fear them getting too close, i think. to a pretty absurd degree, it seems.

like they usually say and ask pretty innocent stuff but it makes me react in very disproportionate ways.

[Hojo]

@Judy2 You can just ask yourself why you do it.

[Judy2]

Just now, Hojo said:

@Judy2 You can just ask yourself why you do it.

true:)

[Hojo]

@Judy2 Just ask, why do I do this and wait and listen without ego.

Edited 58 minutes ago by Hojo

[theleelajoker]

15 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@theleelajoker yes you're right that i'm a bit of a black and white thinker, and i'm working on that. actually, now that you bring this up, sometimes in my posts i drift off too much and focus on all the things going wrong - haven't found the right format to share the things that are going well, or maybe that would feel awkward because who cares? with negativity, at least it's sort of justified that i reach out for help because i'm suffering. if i randomly start writing about what songs i played on the piano today, people might get confused:) 

 i like your idea of treating my struggles as a series of small experiments. that certainly adds some nuance:)

Happy the experiment idea has some use. Have to give 100% credit for this to Joe Hudson, though. Learned a lot from him, lots of free online material from him.

I get you with the "sharing positive/ negative stuff" and people potentially not caring, or feeling weird because it's unusual.

But isn't it crazy? Looks at news, radio, stories we talk about with friends, family, work. How much focus is on the NEGATIVE? Things going wrong? How much time and energy do we actually spent on enjoying life, appreciating the nice things, little moments? 

One idea is that if you think more and more about the good stuff in your life, you maybe post less or eventually not at all here about your parents? Because you're more content, you have more self love, nervous system more regulated, and you take your parents as they are with less and less resistance to what is. I'm not saying "all is great, no problems in the world, positive thinking yeah!!!!" Life's real, challenges are real, feelings are real. IMO It's about consciously accepting and constructively building on what's there. Glas is not full because I think positive, but it's always half full and never half empty. Hope I could make that distinction clear...

What song you played today on the piano? 🎹 

Me, I had a great 20 min walk with nice colleague in beautiful sunshine today. Loved it. 

 

Edited 53 minutes ago by theleelajoker

[theleelajoker]

5 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@theleelajoker i edit it before the reply but not before you physically started replying xd.

Yeah that was some funny timing 😂