What are the real ways to assess your relationship?

[BringBackBeige]

Married people often say "I always knew she was the one" or "there was never a doubt in my mind that we would get married." I never feel like that, and starting to wonder if I ever will.

I love the girl I'm with now. We laugh together every day, have a similar sense of humor, and like doing the same kind of stuff. She's not addicted to social media, she's not vain, she's not overly political, gets along well with my friend and family. 

But when she gets upset, she's on a different planet. There's no talking through it, no compromises, no recourse at all. She will be mad and upset for as long as she wants and there's very little I can do about it other than wait it out, and sometimes her bad moods will last days. Other than that I can see this relationship going far, but it stains everything. 

I thought I had made up my mind for sure that I had to end things, but then I read "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida, and it was an eye-opening book. If you havent read it, he talks a lot about women and how they express their emotions in ways that are baffling to men. Page after page was a "oh shit, THIS is what's going on in our relationship".

Basically it made me think that maybe there's something I CAN do when my girl is in a bad mood. But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship where I have to do a little dance whenever my girl's had a bad day just to preserve the peace. 

 

Idk. I've never been more torn about whether to stay in a relationship or not. Most of the time is all laughs, but I feel like I will always be afraid to upset her and always hold myself back from living my 100% truth if I'm with her.

Is this how all relationships are? Am I being too picky or holding out for something that doesn't exist? 

Obviously you're all strangers to me so you can't tell me whether to stay or go, but can you offer advice on how to actually assess your relationship? What are the real questions to ask yourself? Because "you'll just know when it's right" isn't cutting it for me.

Thanks

[cistanche_enjoyer]

Why exactly does she get upset? What triggers her?

[LastThursday]

18 hours ago, BringBackBeige said:

Is this how all relationships are?

No. There's a wide spectrum of good relationships out there for you.

18 hours ago, BringBackBeige said:

But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship where I have to do a little dance whenever my girl's had a bad day just to preserve the peace. 

You shouldn't.

18 hours ago, BringBackBeige said:

Basically it made me think that maybe there's something I CAN do when my girl is in a bad mood.

It would seem either like emotional dysregulation, or unconscious power play manipulation.  I wouldn't advocate tit-for-tat, but I would advocate confronting the bad behaviour.

Either, therapy is needed for emotional dyregulation, or the behaviour needs to be directly challenged every time it happens. This gives the signal that its unacceptable to you. You can do this by asking cool and level headed questions about what they are feeling and thinking and their reasons for it. And what they would like you to do about it. Just listen.

However, it is acceptable if you yourself have behaved badly, so the first thing to do is ask yourself: did I do wrong, and is their reaction justified? If so, then you will need to change your behaviour first.

 

[Yimpa]

Quote

What are the real ways to assess your relationship?

I used to be hella afraid to date Men, big trauma surrounding Men, but I finally found a Man recently that I can truly be vulnerable with and alive with in intimacy 

Edited 5 hours ago by Yimpa

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 hour ago, LastThursday said:

Either, therapy is needed for emotional dyregulation, or the behaviour needs to be directly challenged every time it happens. This gives the signal that its unacceptable to you. You can do this by asking cool and level headed questions about what they are feeling and thinking and their reasons for it. And what they would like you to do about it. Just listen.

This is such great action advice to assert personal boundaries in a compassionate way.

Many people struggle asserting their boundaries in a clear, even tempered and stoic way in an attempt to teach others the behaviour they are willing to accept, to maintain respect in the relationship. Often aggression and overcompensation arises when we are unfamiliar with healthy attachment style communication methods. 

This style of boundary communication is key to prevent the union dissolving into resentment due to unspoken needs.

A+