a big part of the lack of confidence is the identity issue

[Something Funny]

Yes, there is an aspect to lacking confidence that comes from actually feeling anxious and nervous in the moment. From, trauma, social anxiety, lack of experience, or whatever.

But I have noticed that a big part of it is you having this identity and self image of: I am shy, I am not confident, I am ugly so I can't afford to act confidently and need to be a people pleaser, I am a loser, etc.

And then you restrict your behaviour in such a way to fit this identity because acting out of identity feels scary and threatening. Like:

"How dare you be confident! You are so ugly, what are people going to think about you!?".

You basically feel like you are not allowed to behave in a confident way, that you don't deserve it.

***

I am super glad that I became aware of this because I am starting to notice it now in my behaviour all the time.

I literally notice how I could just as easily act like a boss in some situation, that it would cost me nothing to do so, but how I don't out of a habit of old identity.

And once you become aware of it, it actually doesn't take much time to change your identity and also to start correcting your behaviour in the moment:

"Ah, my voice is high pitched and weak right now not because this is how it actually is or because I am physically unable to speak deeper due to anxiety that I am actually feeling. I am just afraid to look confident in front of these people, because of what they will think about me then. This is bullshit, I can actually start speaking with a deeper voice right now"

You are literally afraid to change you identity to a more confident one because you feel safe in your shy identity.

I think this is ultimately coming from being afraid to disturb the social hierarchy.

Which was a valid fear in the past since it could get you killed.

Nowadays, there is really not much survival benefit to doing that, you are basically just screwing yourself over for no reason, out of some primal fear.

[something_else]

The biggest thing that’s helped my confidence has been having friends I can be fully myself around without getting judged. It teaches you that showing your real personality is actually safe.

When you’re younger, especially if you’re not neurotypical, you get punished or mocked for being yourself. You learn to filter everything and hide the parts that make you you.

Having close friends with whom you can relax around and actually express your personality is huge for undoing that. You need people you trust, who’ll be honest with you but still kind.

It also helps to go to busy, social places with those friends. You feel safe showing your real personality around new people because even if someone doesn’t like you or thinks you are weird, you’ve still got your solid base of friends to fall back on.

And once you start doing this, you realise most people don’t think you’re weird at all. Those parts of yourself you used to hide end up being the things new people like the most.