Incompatibility vs ego paradox

[cistanche_enjoyer]

I’m puzzled by the following two perspectives when it comes to compatibility in a romantic relationship:

1. If you’re spiritually developed, it means you have little to no ego, and hence you can be happy no matter the external circumstances. “The great way is easy for those with no preferences” as said Seng-t'san.

2. Authenticity is also important, and you are free to choose any experience that fits you best for this short time you are here on this planet. 

So, when suspecting incompatibility in a relationship, how do I know if it is coming from the ego (i.e., always wanting more, a prettier girl, bigger boobs, etc.), or if it is a conflict with the genuine expression of my authenticity?

[Leo Gura]

Values are where it really counts.

Imagine you value health and spirituality and truth but your girlfriend values socializing, drinking, and material pursuits like luxury vacations. That is not going to work.

No matter how conscious you are, you still have values you wish to live by. In fact, the more conscious you are the less you are willing to compromise on core values like health, consciousness, truth, honesty, peace of mind, etc.

The less corrupt you are the less compatible you are with corrupt people. And most people are corrupt.

There is also incompatibility in terms of life goals, personality types and sex drive. Life goals is stuff like wanting kids vs not. Personality type is like introvert vs extrovert. Sex drive can vary a lot.

Edited yesterday at 12:24 AM by Leo Gura

[ExploringReality]

Thank you Leo

[Miguel1]

@Leo Gura Wow, this is very well articulated.

This is what I am trying to put into words for myself when I date now vs 5 years ago when I was much more corrupt.

[cistanche_enjoyer]

Thanks Leo, you couldn’t have said it better.

Now I don’t know if I should be happy because I finally understood this, or sad because the chances of finding a girl that would align with all my values is like 0.001% 🥲

[Natasha Tori Maru]

It is very useful to be aware of what you will compromise on - and what you will not.

I have found in the past some of my values I am willing to be slightly looser with, if the guy is a sweet match.

I sort my values into: absolute non-negotiable - willing to accommodate/compromise - no preference.

Sometimes you just don't know until you are presented with a value clash. Which is why it is essential to know yourself & what you want prior to a serious, committed, relationship. This also ties back to being just... high consciousness. Values can also change, but typically your top values remain static.

Edited 23 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

It is very useful to be aware of what you will compromise on - and what you will not.

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Ha ha ha! Didn't even get past the preliminaries to the contract stage 

[AION]

If the relationship aka time spend together feels like a win-win, the remainder is not important. I do business with people who have a total different value set than me and that is what love is. Accepting the other as they are and they accept you as you are. It is impossible to find somebody with an one on one value match to begin with. People want relationship to be a romantic, philosopher, business partner and everything else in 1. It is not realistic. What I - value - in a gf is very different than what I value in a friend. 

Edited 22 hours ago by AION

[Miguel1]

1 hour ago, cistanche_enjoyer said:

Now I don’t know if I should be happy because I finally understood this, or sad because the chances of finding a girl that would align with all my values is like 0.001% 🥲

I have been having a crisis from this for a long time, and still haven’t moved on from it.

Especially as a young man who isn’t attracted to the older women yet, finding a young mature and conscious woman is virtually impossible.

It’s just that I happen to be an extrovert who values deep intimate companionship.

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, AION said:

When you start to tell people what they should value, things get nasty very quick. Because it is impossible to find somebody with an one on one value match to begin with. 

No one is suggesting you tell someone else what they should value - and I think this is a mistake. It is all about being conscious of your values and having good clarity around self awareness.

As you get older and more mature, and you know what you want, you naturally become less accommodating to tolerating a value misalignment that is a non-negotiable. There are always many, many people who will have values crossover. 

This advice might sound unfeeling to less mature people who are at younger life stages. But it is not. It is honest. And about not wasting someone's time. Having the maturity in wanting to build a long term future with a partner, rather than a feeling laden fling. Relationships always entail sacrifice - but when values align a lot of the little things matter less and love can bloom in a healthy, mature way. You willingly sacrifice, surrender. The bond is stronger and deeper because it is built on the integrity of honesty.

Keeping that honesty is integral as what we value changes as you pass through different life stages.

[AION]

39 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

No one is suggesting you tell someone else what they should value - and I think this is a mistake. It is all about being conscious of your values and having good clarity around self awareness.

As you get older and more mature, and you know what you want, you naturally become less accommodating to tolerating a value misalignment that is a non-negotiable. There are always many, many people who will have values crossover. 

This advice might sound unfeeling to less mature people who are at younger life stages. But it is not. It is honest. And about not wasting someone's time. Having the maturity in wanting to build a long term future with a partner, rather than a feeling laden fling. Relationships always entail sacrifice - but when values align a lot of the little things matter less and love can bloom in a healthy, mature way. You willingly sacrifice, surrender. The bond is stronger and deeper because it is built on the integrity of honesty.

Keeping that honesty is integral as what we value changes as you pass through different life stages.

That is a very high standard and that is why people are lonely because they price themselves out of the market. I mean people are entitled to price themselves out of the market. But I'm in the stage of my life to be open to people with different values because those people reveal something. People who don't align with you are just your shadow part. Just having a short friendship of couple of weeks is not the end of the world or "wasting time". I'm learning a lot and I grown because of it. After those few weeks I can decide to end it or put a distance. With friendships I have the same credo. I have enough friends and if my current friends don't treat me right, they know, there are other friends who will replace their spot in my life. Reducing human relationships to only value matching is reducing it to a card game. That is not the game that is being played by humans lol. 

 

47 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

I have been having a crisis from this for a long time, and still haven’t moved on from it.

Especially as a young man who isn’t attracted to the older women yet, finding a young mature and conscious woman is virtually impossible.

It’s just that I happen to be an extrovert who values deep intimate companionship.

 

@Natasha Tori Maruso what do you suggest to him? Keep to his guns? He likes young girls like me and if he keeps to his guns, he will be celibate 😂

Edited 21 hours ago by AION

[Natasha Tori Maru]

18 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

Especially as a young man who isn’t attracted to the older women yet, finding a young mature and conscious woman is virtually impossible.

And being attracted or finding older women attractive may not even happen - one of my exes is in his 60s and he has never been attracted to older women. He was always going for 30-40 year old age range. And then some dudes report they aren't attracted to younger people because they seem like 'pups', and they have always been attracted to women in their age range as they have aged up.

But the fact you are an extravert is a huge benefit. You will run into someone 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, AION said:

That is a very high standard and that is why people are lonely because they price themselves out of the market. I mean people are entitled to price themselves out of the market. But I'm in the stage of my life to be open to people with different values because those people reveal something. People who don't align with you are just your shadow part. Just having a short friendship of couple of weeks is not the end of the world or "wasting time". I'm learning a lot and I grown because of it. After those few weeks I can decide to end it or put a distance. With friendships I have the same credo. I have enough friends and if my current friends don't treat me right, they know, there are other friends who will replace their spot in my life. Reducing human relationships to only value matching is reducing it to a card game. That is not the game that is being place by humans lol.

Again, as I said, that is a particular life stage you are at. I was there also - and it is necessary to learn what you value. This is also why I raised it might be difficult to understand given the fact I have a lot more experience within relationships. I am almost 40. 

I spoke about having and knowing values - not about what they were. So you don't know my standands and if they are high or not. This is your assumption and what you are looking for. Cognitive bias - and you have this because it feeds your red pill ideology that women's standards are too high. But you know nothing regarding my standards

Feelings always come into it. 

Haven't you heard the phrase 'Sometimes love is not enough?'

[Ramasta9]

Leo laid it out really well here.

What I’d like to add is that when you said: If you’re spiritually developed, it means you have little to no ego.

This is a common misunderstanding of spirituality. Rather the more spiritually developed you are, the more you’ve integrated or harmonized the ego, not dissolved it entirely. Ego death is the awakening; ego integration is the embodiment.

[Leo Gura]

Even if you don't have ego you still have preferences, biases, values, goals, a lifestyle, and a personality.

The idea that an enlightened person just gets along with anyone and everyone is a fairytale. Relationships are way more tricky than that.

Don't forget that your partner could just be a mentally unhinged nutcase. That is common enough that you better be prepared for it.

Not everyone is mature or healthy enough to even be in a relationship, and it takes two to make it work.

Edited 21 hours ago by Leo Gura

[AION]

7 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Again, as I said, that is a particular life stage you are at. I was there also - and it is necessary to learn what you value. This is also why I raised it might be difficult to understand given the fact I have a lot more experience within relationships. I am almost 40. 

I spoke about having and knowing values - not about what they were. So you don't know my standands and if they are high or not. This is your assumption and what you are looking for. Cognitive bias - and you have this because it feeds your red pill ideology that women's standards are too high. But you know nothing regarding my standards

Feelings always come into it. 

 

I'm not red pill though. So that is an assumption from your side. And that is ok. We all make assumptions. I was just basing my perspective on the vibe I got from you on this forum because that is the only thing the users here can work with.

Quote

Haven't you heard the phrase 'Sometimes love is not enough?'

I agree. But people use the word love and mean different things with it. Some people value match and they call it love. And another person might have a emotional-chemical response and call that love. In my opinion relationships are about growing together, and not about value matching like it is a card game.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@AION Much of your ideas lean toward red pill. But a discussion for another time.

You do realize you value 'growing together' yes?

And you would prioritize a partner that also has that value?

Just an example of where you might be missing the broad nature of values alignment.

[AION]

11 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@AION Much of your ideas lean toward red pill. But a discussion for another time.

You do realize you value 'growing together' yes?

And you would prioritize a partner that also has that value?

Just an example of where you might be missing the broad nature of values alignment.

Nah, I know couples with for example one atheist and one christian in it and they have the best relationships with a lot of love and respect for each other.

While others are approaching relationships like it is a freaking game of Uno matching values like a computer lmao 😂

Prioritizing value matching as the sole thing is wrong in my opinion. It is a paradigm lock of a certain spiral dynamic stage which I won't share here because I don't want to ruffle the feathers in this topic.

Just because some of my views match with red pill doesn't mean I'm red pill. And just because I think some buddhist views are right doesn't make me a buddhist. This is a very weird way to look at humans because it is reducing a person to a value like what a computer would.

Edited 21 hours ago by AION

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Just now, AION said:

Nah, I know couples with for example one atheist and one christian in it and they have the best relationships with a lot of love and respect for each other.

So once again you are misunderstanding the topic.

The above signifies they have personal values that mean they do not require their partner to share their belief system. So 'having the same belief system' is not a high value, or value at all.