Feeling hopeless 3 years after awakening

[Nadosa]

In 2017, I posted here for the first time.

I was 18 back then, trying to figure out what had happened to me — becoming aware, for the first time, of “myself” as consciousness rather than as some imagined identity in my head. It was terrifying. I felt an overwhelming sense of meaninglessness and loneliness, as if I were doomed to be stuck in some eternal place that no one — not even I — could understand. As if for the first time, I was the only thing in this Universe being responsible for myself and my entire worldview shifted and fell back into "me". However, I resisted it completely, and my mind felt like it cracked into pieces.

 

It wasn’t freeing. Because I had no plan or understanding of what was happening, all I could do was resist. I felt like I couldn’t stop what was unfolding, which led to a traumatic response in my brain — it couldn’t make sense of what was happening, and a part of me simply shut down and believed that I had “died.” Even now, there’s a part of my mind that can’t fully grasp the fact that I’m still here, alive. When that part gets activated, I feel intense fear — as if I should have died — and I start to dissociate, feeling completely unsafe, trapped in that same past moment. The more time passes, the more confused that part of me feels.

Still, there was faith — moments of surrender — and somehow, I kept living. In 2022, the suffering returned, this time with intense panic attacks about why and how I was still alive. After years of searching and trying to understand my pain through thought, I finally realized that it was just the same familiar voice in my head, I surrendered completely and felt a sense of there only being "me" and all arises in me — that there is no “self,” that thoughts are just thoughts, and that I never actually go anywhere. I’m simply here, living. That realization was blissful, beyond the ordinary human pain.

 

The following years were filled with making music, working with people, and finally feeling safe again.

 

But about a month ago, that old state came back. The part of my brain that once shut down seems to have reactivated, and it’s been horrifying. Really Im living in a hell realm where thoughts are just about that one thing: stuck in the past memory and not making sense out of who is still here.

I’m in deep pain again, feeling like no one understands. I feel trapped in a loop — one part of me believing I should have died that day, and the other part simply living, being me… happy, successful with my music, and just existing.

 

I feel so much despair, hopelessness, loneliness, I can barely sleep or eat atm, constantly overthinking about everything. 

I feel so separate. So so separate from Love and conciousness. It's hell.

The only thing that keeps me not from freaking out is just observing the mind. 

Edited Sunday at 06:54 AM by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Seems like the story is entirely imagined and there it goes, 3rd awakening on the way

[Rishabh R]

@Nadosa You can question those stories which are in your mind.

[LifeEnjoyer]

4 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Seems like the story is entirely imagined and there it goes, 3rd awakening on the way

Funny how this shit plays out isn't it?

[Nadosa]

I dont know man, I just dont know

[Nadosa]

Ok right now I see its just the usual mind chatter. WTF. I just popped out.

[Nadosa]

And in it again

[Ramasta9]

The only thing that changed is that you went from thinking more and being more mentally-oriented (overthinking, caught up in thought-loops) to feeling more, being more in the body, being more active and alive on earth (which keeps you present) and when you are present, the mind and its endless thoughts are not there to torment you, because that's what hell is, discordant thoughts.

You need to "FEEL" things, the more you practice the art of "feeling" the more you will transform discordant thoughts. Life is not up there in lalaland, its here on earth, participate in the earthly realm and ground yourself, find something you love and use your whole body not just your mind, things will eventually balance out.

Edited yesterday at 08:44 AM by Ramasta9

[Nadosa]

Yeah true that...

Just hugged my brother in tears: he said: tell me about your thoughts. 

I said and told about this story. This story which feels so discordant to me.

 

He said: "conditioning. Drop it. Now

 

Bro you are the drummer, be it, now" 

Suddenly felt a little glimpse of alignment.

Presence cant feel shitty...but it can feel so bad once you stuck in the loop. 

 

 

[ted73104]

How did you wake up in the first place? Did you do the same thing to activate that part of your brain again?

[Ramasta9]

20 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Yeah true that...

Just hugged my brother in tears: he said: tell me about your thoughts. 

I said and told about this story. This story which feels so discordant to me.

 

He said: "conditioning. Drop it. Now

 

Bro you are the drummer, be it, now" 

Suddenly felt a little glimpse of alignment.

Presence cant feel shitty...but it can feel so bad once you stuck in the loop. 

 

 

Your brother seems like a wise and grounded person, I would probably spend more time with him then asking people online.