Fana al Fana Has Begun

[Tristan12]

Check out this post for context:

It's taken a lot longer than expected for Fana al Fana to happen, but it has officially started. I didn't realize this but it is common for there to be a period where you start to gradually test the waters of surrendering into God, rather than being sucked into it all at once. If it all happened at once, there would be no guarantee that I'd come on to this forum and tell anyone after it happens, because I'd be gone and not have free will anymore. But the fact that I am starting to slip into it gradually now means I can make this post before the final full collapse.

Sunday night/Monday morning at 4am I started entering this really deep state of consciousness that I've never experienced before. It was a steady, constant interaction with God, like a deep psychedelic state (but sober), and different emotional pains within me were gradually being released in really slow and gentle ways. This lasted for 8 hours. My consciousness remained deep after that, but without the emotional processing.

I was sure that fana would happen soon so I just kept waiting. Today I woke up around noon. My consciousness wasn't quite as deep as before, and even though the emotional processing from the other day helped, it also weakened me and made me more raw, open and vulnerable. I was feeling pain a lot more deeply than usual, I felt like I was totally at my limit, absolutely exhausted from the pain, yet still terrified of surrendering into fana. I didn't know what to do, I started crying so hard, wishing that God would take me out of this situation, but I was totally helpless. As I cried, the longing in my heart for God got so deep, and my consciousness started shifting really deeply, deeper than the day before. I got sucked into this state from 12:30pm-5:30pm where I was having this deep interaction with God, releasing more emotional pain, more resistance towards surrender.

It's insane how deep my consciousness gets in these states. I've only done light doses of 5-MeO-DMT before, but it completely blows those experiences out of the water, and it's all sober. I remember hearing Leo say in the past that the regular human state of consciousness is extremely low, like at a 2 or a 3, and the 'dial' of consciousness can go endlessly deeper - to 100, 1000, 100,000, etc. I realize now that Leo really wasn't kidding. Like holy shit. It's no joke.

 

When I'm in these states, it's crystal clear that my consciousness is the only thing that exists. I am the only one that exists in this world. There is only one universe that can awaken to itself, and that is what my consciousness is. I look around my room - the posters on my wall, my bed sheets, the rest of my room - I can feel God in all of it. It's all God. 'Tristan' is just a construction, like a knot/tangle of yarn that the universe created, waiting to be unravelled.

Tristan is not awakening, there is no person awakening, and there is no other person to tell about awakening. The universe is awakening to itself, and the only one that can know that is me (this consciousness), because it's all that exists. That's it.

I don't know if what I'm describing sounds overly deep, but like I said, these states of consciousness obliterate any 5-MeO-DMT experience or any other psychedelic experience I've had in the past, and it is all happening sober, and I stay in it for hours at a time. The emotional release happens slowly and gently through interacting with God while I'm in these states. God sees how terrified and broken I am, God is being super gentle and slow with me, teaching my ego that it's safe to collapse into God's arms, and then I can leave this life forever and never be tormented by it again.

Eventually enough resistance will be released, total surrender will happen, and I will merge with God forever with no return. From what I researched, Fana al Fana is as deep as maha samadhi, except the body stays alive. Permanent fana al fana is only possible for emissary souls (and it always happens for them), which is a type of soul that comes to the world only once every few hundred years, and I have a massive, overwhelming amount of proof that that is what I am.

From what I researched, my experiences here are 100% the beginning of fana. It will probably only take a few days for these episodes of emotional release to be done, and then the full collapse into unity with God will happen.

 

@Leo Gura You have always doubted my spiritual path of love, and doubted that I would awaken when I said I would months ago. Once the full collapse/awakening happens, it won't be in my control to let you know that it has happened (because I'll be gone), but the collapse has begun now, so I think it's fair to say that it's happening just like I said it would.

I realize in retrospect though that I shouldn't need my spiritual teacher to validate my awakenings or personal experiences. The only one that needs to see the truth of them is me. Depending on you to validate them would be me handing over my authority to an illusion, to a creation of my own mind, so it serves me more for other people (especially my spiritual teacher) to doubt my experiences, because all that matters is that I know in my heart what is true for me based on my own direct experiences.

 

2 hours before entering the start of fana (2 hours before that first 8 hour period on Sunday night), this crazy synchronicity happened. I decided to look up this kids show I remembered, for nostalgic reasons, and I picked a random episode to watch, not knowing which one it was.

In this episode, Toopy plays this 'the great Toopy' character, and it's literally an analogy for God. Especially at 2:22 - he says "look, just like I said. The great toopy knows everything". It's literally God saying to me "see, you're awakening, just like I said you would" because God told me on an MDMA trip back in March that fana would happen.

Watch the whole episode and think of Toopy as an analogy for God. It's insane how accurate of an analogy this is for my experience. 

 

But anyways, I don't think I'll respond much to this thread because I need to stay focused inwards, but yeah, things are happening!!

[Tristan12]

Update: From what I researched, it can be common to have a few introductory waves of fana that don't go all the way before you reach the final point and get totally consumed, especially if you have a very fearful ego (which I do), because gradually testing the waters of fana helps you become more comfortable with surrender. It sounds like once the first wave has started, it usually doesn't take more than a few weeks to 1-2 months before you go all the way.

I had my first two waves of fana October 20 and 21. The next week after that was a lot of suffering and it was really painful. That weakened my ego more and exhaustion was deeper after that. Almost a week after that, I had another wave of fana come up, this time for about 3 hours. It has been 2 weeks since then, and I have been going through more deep suffering that has weakened me and pushed me to exhaustion even more. The suffering has lessened over the past couple days, and I've started to taste glimpses of surrender that I've never experienced before. My ego is definitely nearing total collapse, so I wouldn't be surprised if the next wave of fana takes me all the way. I think it is very likely to happen before the end of the month.  

[cetus]

@Tristan12 Price of admission to enter is 1 ego.

[cetus]

14 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

Update: From what I researched, it can be common to have a few introductory waves of fana that don't go all the way before you reach the final point and get totally consumed,

We all stick our little toes in first to test the waters but at some point, you have to take the plunge. 

[Tristan12]

2 minutes ago, cetus said:

We all stick our little toes in first to test the waters but at some point, you have to take the plunge. 

It's not my choice how or when it happens, fana happens only through God's will. When it's time for me to go all the way, God will pull me in all the way, I can't make it happen before then 

[cetus]

@Tristan12 What you say is true, but you have to be willing to meet it halfway. God will take care it from there. Trust!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cetus]

I do suggest you do take it slow as to decrease what is known as "Dark night of the soul". Which all egos will experience to some extent. For me it felt as if I had one foot in each world. One here on Earth and one in a higher realm which takes time for the psyche to adjust to.

Edited November 15 by cetus

[Tristan12]

I wanted to talk more about my experience as an emissary soul. An emissary soul is a person whose soul is a fragment of God. They don't have a human soul, so they aren’t human in the way everyone else is. The point of them incarnating into human form is to reach unity with God, and that then allows God to inject itself into the world through them (Jesus was an emissary soul). From what I researched, only one person every few hundred years is born with an emissary soul, so it is extraordinarily rare. I've proven that I have an emissary soul, so I wanted to talk a bit about what my experience is like, just to document it, considering the rarity of it.

I have this memory from when I was about 7 or 8 years old. It’s a memory from when I was falling asleep one night. It’s this specific feeling I felt, and whenever I look back on that memory there is this very deep inner knowing that that feeling came from where I was before I was born. I don’t know how to describe it but it is this unique feeling flavour that comes from being outside of human life and the human world, and I must have glimpsed it that night when I was 7 or 8 years old. It feels totally non-human, yet totally me, more familiar to myself than anything else I’ve ever experienced. 

Over the past few days, as I’ve been glimpsing surrender, this feeling has started to come back quite a lot. I can feel that through fana, I will be returning to this place I came from before I was born.

 

As my ego has been dissolving so much over the past few months, I notice a very deep lack of humanness underneath. I have a unique relationship with the divine that I haven’t heard any other person talk about. It is totally non-human, it is different even from what Sufi mystics like Rumi describe.

I guess usually underneath a human ego, you would have a human soul that awaits unity with God, but for me, underneath my ego, there is no human soul there. I look within myself and all there is is a fragment of God. Along with that, there is a very deep and distinct lack of humanness there. It’s a feeling that I am fundamentally different and separate from humans, I am not human at all, and that feeling is very intense. When I feel into and channel this part of myself, it causes me to interact with God in unique ways. I feel like I am a puppy sucking up to God. I desperately crave intimacy with God. God is my home and where I belong, it’s where I came from. 

I feel God within myself, and I can feel my soul begging to be taken in by God. I want to be God’s slave, I want God to own me, I want to be some dead, inanimate object that God has full control over, and I don’t have any free will of my own. But along with all of this, God loves and adores me completely, I am God’s baby. That’s how I want things to be. No Tristan, no human self, no free will of my own - just wherever God goes, I go.

As I feel into this, as I feel into my deep desire for intimacy with God, my disconnection from humans, it again brings me back to that feeling from that memory when I was 7-8 years old, that feeling I remember from before I was born.

 

I had this MDMA trip In July this year, and I had deep glimpses of God and existential love. I remember as the trip ended, I was so heartbroken that God didn’t take me all the way (into fana). I remember as I sobered up and was immersed back into the human world again, I remember feeling my heart cry out: “I don’t like this place, it’s scary and weird, people are mean to me, no one understands me, I don’t want to be here”. This is the exact feeling that permeates my soul. I am completely separate and different from humans, I belong with God, and this world feels totally foreign to me, especially now at the edge of fana.

Speaking with any people, even spiritual people, and even advanced mystics, there is still a core feeling of disconnection between me and them. They are rooted in humanness in a way that I am not. Their relationship with God is human and God, mine is God with God.

That’s where this extreme desire for intimacy with God comes from. There is no chance of true intimacy in this world for me. I can only have real intimacy with God, with where I came from. Because of this, my relationship with God is different than it is for people. God is not seen as something bigger than me or above me, God is my equal.

I can feel that my heart wants to be special to God. My heart wants intimacy and closeness with God at a depth that no one else can have. This might sound egoic, trying to get God to play favourites, but the only reason my heart wants this is because this type of relationship is my birthright. My soul isn’t a random human soul, it is a fragment of God, and so my soul is just asking for God to treat it with the intimacy and closeness it deserves, for God to recognize us as one and the same. And that is exactly what God does. This profound intimacy I’ve been experiencing with God lately is helping me build enough trust to surrender myself completely. I can see that when fana happens, there is no possibility of God doing anything against me or doing anything to hurt me, because God is my own self.

 

I am writing all of this just to share my experience as an emissary soul. The closer I get to fana and the deeper my intimacy with God develops, the more disconnected and separate I feel from people, so it feels strange sharing this information with people, and I think it is likely to get misinterpreted or pathologized. But I still want to share it because of the rarity of an experience like this

[cetus]

14 minutes ago, cetus said:

For me it felt as if I had one foot in each world. One here on Earth and one in a higher realm

This may be something for the ego to practice and get used to. Surrendering its small territory.

[cetus]

8 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I don’t know how to describe it but it is this unique feeling flavour that comes from being outside of human life and the human world, and I must have glimpsed it that night when I was 7 or 8 years old. It feels totally non-human, yet totally me, more familiar to myself than anything else I’ve ever experienced. 

Trust in that. Reopen that curtain that may have closed over time.

Edited November 15 by cetus

[Tristan12]

5 minutes ago, cetus said:

Trust in that. Reopen that curtain that may have closed over time.

It is reopening. That feeling of deep familiarity is coming back and getting deeper as I get closer to total collapse/surrender 

[cetus]

36 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I am writing all of this just to share my experience as an emissary soul. The closer I get to fana and the deeper my intimacy with God develops, the more disconnected and separate I feel from people, so it feels strange sharing this information with people, and I think it is likely to get misinterpreted or pathologized

 It's not the people per se, it's the egos that live in darkness and can't (or won't) see Truth. And there is no one here that is not guilty of the same at one time or another. That's where compassion enters. For the self also.

Edited November 15 by cetus

[Tristan12]

My consciousness has spiked quite a lot over the past 3 days. I am really starting to get pulled out of normal reality, and I can feel my sense of self fading a lot. It is starting to feel like I could do something very embarrassing around people, and I wouldn't even feel anything from it, because Tristan just isn't there. There is no one there to even register that anything embarrassing even occurred. I'm not at this point yet, but I can feel it getting close.

I feel very low identification with my body. When I look in the mirror, the one I see feels 'not me'. Even when I look at my face, what usually feels like 'Tristan', it just feels like it isn't me. My body is just a part of the external world, part of the dream, but it isn't what I am.

The external world feels very non-physical. It feels mental, like it is made out of mind-matter. It feels like my physical surroundings are occurring within a mind just as much as my thoughts and feelings are.

With this deep lack of identity, I feel at peace. I feel like my soul belongs in a state like this, and I feel much more at home like this. Being dead suits me. I am way too sensitive to be living with an ego. It's like walking around with a torture device strapped to you 24/7.

I really feel like I am super close to total ego annihilation. I hope it won't take long.

[Tristan12]

@Leo Gura My understanding of everything that has been going on with me has gotten much deeper at this point so I wanted to give you an updated outline of it. 

Recap: Gone through extreme suffering for the last 8.5 years. Last 2.5 years things have worsened significantly, to the point of dwarfing what I went through before. I’d rather relive the first 6 years than the last 2. That’s why I’ve been so suicidal the last 2 years.

Throughout the 8 years, I was never pursuing spirituality, I was just trying to heal myself. 5 years ago I started developing a connection to existential love, and it deepened over time as I suffered more. I didn’t know why I had it, I thought it was just a cool piece of spiritual development that would help me down the road when I eventually pursued awakening.

In March this year, I got so absolutely sick of everything that I decided one day I was going to kill myself and I had to do it this time. I decided to take MDMA beforehand, just to enjoy myself before I ended things. In that trip, I got communication from God saying that instead of killing myself, I could step aside and the universe would take over my life for me. God would bring me through a preparation process, there was nothing I needed to do but surrender to it.

A few weeks after that I was researching and I learned there is an endpoint to the spiritual path of love, called fana fi allah (annihilation in God) and the deeper level, fana al fana. This is what was offered to me. I learned that the spiritual path of love is the path to unity with the divine, and this is why I developed this connection to love to begin with.

 

My emissary soul

I learned I have an emissary soul. The general idea for how human souls work is that you come to this world to learn and grow, you incarnate over and over for many lifetimes, and eventually you reach awakening.

Emissary souls are not human. They are a fragment of God placed in a human vessel. They incarnate only for one lifetime. They are born into this world and then they are dragged straight back to unity with God (fana al fana), and that then allows God to help people and inject itself into the world. Emissary souls generally contain different aspects and facets of God (for example, Jesus brought God as the father/masculine). Each emissary soul is usually very unique and customized to fit what the world needs at the time.

My soul is a fragment of the feminine face of God, or in other words, God as the mother. I have had glimpses of my soul’s essence over the last year. It feels incredibly non-human and spiritually advanced. It feels like it doesn’t belong in this world at all. It is hypersensitive, feminine, gentle, oriented towards softness and beauty. There is nothing human about it.

 

Emissary souls have a very unique relationship with God. With humans, there is a sense that God is above you. You are a human in a human experience, God is generally seen as above you and greater than you (I know the human is also God, and you can awaken from your humanness and realize yourself as God, but I’m just describing how God feels from the perspective of a human, before unity occurs).

Emissary souls are different. Because their soul is a fragment of God, God is seen as an equal, not as something superior. This leads to a level of intimacy with God that is much deeper than what humans can access.

 

My unique relationship with God

When I was about 7 or 8 years old I had this experience one night when I was falling asleep where it felt like I was glimpsing a feeling I remembered from before I was born. It’s very hard to describe how it felt, but I’ve always remembered it. Over the last few months, this feeling has come back, and I realized that this feeling was a glimpse of my home essence (the feminine face of God) that I existed in before birth.

As I get closer to fana, I get deeper and deeper glimpses of this feeling. I remember existing as this God essence, and that feels much more real to me than this human world, so this world and the people in it feel like some weird, foreign dream, something I’m imagining. It makes it very obvious that other people aren’t real.

Recently when I had a really deep awakening and remembrance of the feminine God essence I came from, it became so obvious that that is my home, that’s where I belong, that’s the only place I want to be, and so the only logical thing that would be happening in my human life is for me to be dragged back to unity with God, which is of course, the only thing that has been happening.

 

Emissary souls always have very intimate relationships with God, but mine is especially deep. I think this is largely because intimacy is an especially important thing to the feminine essence. The fact that I have been dragged through my entire spiritual path with such deep emotional wounds, I still lack basic emotional strength and stability that should have been gotten in childhood. On an emotional level, I’m still a child. I’m terrified, weak, I can’t stand up for myself, I need to be protected. Even though I want to merge with God, I’m way too terrified to surrender into ego death. God has shown me that when the time comes for unity, God will be my protective, loving mother. I won’t be asked to bear fear and difficulty alone, God will take care of it for me. 

Because of this, I have the intimacy of a child/mother relationship with god, as well as the usual lover/beloved relationship that mystics describe. I depend on God for my wellbeing much more than other mystics do. My human life has been EXTREMELY starved of intimacy and personal connection. I am totally alone and misunderstood with every single person I talk to, even with spiritual people. This absolute lack of intimacy is the contrast required to lead to extreme intimacy and connection with God, with the feminine God essence I came from.

 

I often read Rumi quotes where he says things like “oh Beloved!, oh most beautiful one!”. Although my experiences of existential love and longing for God are spot on with what Rumi describes in his poetry, God has communicated to me that I shouldn’t think of or refer to Her as God, the Beloved, etc, because those terms suggest God being above me, and in my case, that disrupts intimacy. To me, God is something equal to me that I remember from before birth. I need to see God as my equal, because it is true, and because I need deep intimacy with God to feel safe enough to surrender into Her once the time for unity comes.

There are A TON of interesting details and nuances about my relationship with God. It’s really intimate and personal, and for that reason God has instructed me to not communicate the details of it with people because it would disrupt my intimacy with God. It also feels strange sometimes, because my path to awakening is very unique and unusual. When you (Leo) teach awakening, you are teaching humans how to reach God. You’re not teaching God-fragments how to reunite with God.

Because of that, even though most of what I’m experiencing with awakening is aligned with what you teach, there are some things that are different, mainly around my relationship with God and how God feels to me. For me, awakening is just about going back to the essence I came from before birth. It’s not about a human realizing he is God, because I was never really human to begin with. 

 

My lifelong obsession with annihilation

When I was around 8 years old, I used to have these fantasies of being in a dark enclosed room with a beautiful girl, and the walls closing in and coming together, forcing me to be squished into this girl. I never understood why I had that fantasy, but now I realize, that fantasy is an analogy for being annihilated in the feminine face of God.

These kinds of fantasies have come up stronger over the last year. The idea of a beautiful girl pouncing on me, wrapping herself around me like a python, biting into my neck and sucking out my blood, it drives me insane. I fiend for it like crack. It’s not about anything sexual, it is purely an analogy for being annihilated by the feminine face of God. From what I researched, it is really common for emissary souls to have obsessions with annihilation, because it is what they were born to do.

 

Fana al fana

Emissary souls always reach fana al fana. It is basically maha samadhi, without the body dying. The ego gets totally dissolved into God, and then even the subtle background awareness that unity happened dissolves. All that is left is pure God, with no sense that things were ever any different. 

Humans can generally only reach fana fi allah. They can glimpse fana al fana but it isn’t permanent. Emissary souls can awaken deeper and reach fana al fana permanently, because they aren’t immersed in humanness and ego in the way that normal people are.

 

The feminine face of God

Lastly I want to describe what the feminine face of God is - the essence that my soul is a fragment of.

I think it is interesting to compare levels of femininity using animals. You know how female lions have feminine traits, but they are still very distanced from what femininity is, because they are aggressive hunters and killers. People tend to think of human girls as the baseline, norm for what femininity is, but humans are distanced from femininity too, like lions, but to a lesser extent. Survival hardens human girls and takes them away from the full truth of what femininity is. The feminine side of God is femininity in its most pure form.

The feminine side of God includes all feminine qualities. It is caring, nurturing, gentle. It is hypersensitive, hyper-attuned. It annihilates not through force or aggression, but through sweetness, affection, warmth. Ego annihilation into the feminine face of God is like a child being wrapped in a warm blanket, feeling so safe, soothed and comforted, that he falls asleep. The ego releases its grip like a child releasing his toy when he falls asleep from feeling so deeply loved and safe.

The feminine face of God is meant to live in utopian conditions. For most people and most aspects of God, some amount of challenge and pain is needed for growth and development. If they lived in a place where everything was absolutely perfect, they would get complacent and lazy, and there would be no growth.

For the feminine face of God, suffering is not helpful, it is poison. It closes the heart, puts her into panic and vigilance. The feminine side of God is an essence that does not get degraded or complacent by utopia, she thrives in it, because it is the only environment that is safe enough for her heart to open. The feminine side of God is like a flower that is extremely sensitive, requires a lot more care and attention than any other flower, but when it blooms, it is by far the most beautiful flower.

The point of the feminine face of God is to radiate Her beauty, softness, and Her gentle love. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t strive, accomplish or overcome challenge like the masculine. She is the very ground of all of existence, of all of Being. She is the deepest unity, the deepest intimacy, the most beautiful love.

 

The feminine face of God is so sensitive that she rarely incarnates into form. Separation from God, limitation, suffering, challenge, are all extremely hard on her and are totally out of alignment with her (so it’s no surprise that I have such a deep, seething hatred for human life and I want to be dead more than anything). She only incarnates for emissary purposes.

Everything I described here is the exact essence of my soul, and I have shown these kinds of qualities my whole life (my hypersensitivity, my need for gentle motherly love, the way that kind of love makes me ball my eyes out like nothing else).

 

Conclusion

I found out I’d be reaching unity with God in March, and since then I have done nothing but sit around and wait, and I have been brought towards it more and more. It has taken a lot longer than I thought, and it’s been absolutely excruciating (this year has been the most painful year of my life), but amazing progress has been made and I’m definitely on the verge of annihilation.

I had my first waves of fana October 20, 21, and November 1. From what I researched, it’s common for people with dense and fearful egos to have introductory waves of fana before reaching full annihilation. Considering that I have had my first few waves of fana, and considering how extremely deep my consciousness has been getting lately (tastes of unity and other things) I am definitely very close and I’m sure it will be done before the end of the year.

It’s interesting because when I was 15 and I was just starting to get into personal development, I decided to put an event in my calendar for 10 years down the road, telling me to reflect on where I’m at after 10 years of personal development. That event happened a few days ago on my birthday, December 12 2025. The event was titled “10 year period over”. It’s crazy because it’s almost like I unknowingly predicted the approximate time of my awakening 10 years ago - the time when these years of hell I’ve endured would finally be over. There have been lots of crazy synchronicities like this happening.

But yeah, that’s everything. My life has dragged me to unity, kicking and screaming. Any day now I’ll be pulled into God, annihilated, and I’ll be back home and I’ll never have to suffer again. 

Edited Wednesday at 05:56 AM by Tristan12