Help with my relationship

[Riccurdo]

So, I've been with my girl for 2 years and I have grown spiritualy a lot. She is not spiritual person. Scientific minded doing her PhD. 

Lately there has been a lot of backlash from our differences. It kinda started from me meeting this girl in a meditation retreat in last Sep. I don't really have spiritual friends so I thought she could be my first. Long story short, we texted a lot and I gave her a lot of space to be herself (I noticed she was really fragile for not showing her authenticity). I felt in my heart that was the right thing to do. What happened was that she got a crush on me and was sending me half naked pics and such. I told my girlfriend of the whole situation and she couldn't understand why I would do this. 

We had talks after this and I noticed how it's really important to me to give space to people and help them to be more authentic. I feel a lot of suffering in the world in that regard. Of course, she doesn't understand this spiritual level and was only thinking that I was naive and stupid. She said to me that why don't you prioritize me over her. The thing is that I'm getting more spiritual and having this egoic side picking is less and less relevant. I listened to my gf and quit talking to the girl. I'm not perfect either and I feel like I learned that even if you want to help somebody to be themselves there has to be boundaries. 

After this incident, I have tried to explain how I see the world from relative and absolute truth. She doesn't understand and thinks the absolute is some kind of sandbox gta where people just murder others for no reason. She wants her to be the most important thing in my life, but I feel like spirituality (truth) is actually mine. Even though she tries to be openminded person, she mostly sees things from her eyes.

Lately I feel like living alone, so I can get this spiritual freedom that my soul wants but it is also scary because I know how I can make my girl suffer. I still love her but I don't know if it will be fading away. Maybe I mostly love her so she won't feel bad.

TLDR: My girlfriend doesn't understand spirituality like me and it causes a lot of friction. I feel like my heart wants to explore the reality and she is slowing it down.

 

[Xonas Pitfall]

You said it yourself: 

3 hours ago, Riccurdo said:

It kinda started from me meeting this girl in a meditation retreat in last Sep. I don't really have spiritual friends so I thought she could be my first. Long story short, we texted a lot and I gave her a lot of space to be herself (I noticed she was really fragile for not showing her authenticity). I felt in my heart that was the right thing to do. What happened was that she got a crush on me and was sending me half naked pics and such.

The issue didn't start from “spiritual differences”; you fundamentally betrayed her trust. There’s nothing wrong with having spiritual friends, but the interaction went too far. You texted her, you spent time with her (potentially more than with your girlfriend). Why did she feel comfortable sending you half-naked pictures, etc.? There’s a lot of subcontext here that needs to be addressed. Did you tell her up front that you had a girlfriend? What did you text her about? How much time, attention, and thought did this girl consume compared to your girlfriend? When she sent you half-naked pictures, did you tell her to stop because you are in a relationship? Did YOU personally set that boundary before your girlfriend addressed it, or not?

Again, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to help others, helping them be more authentic, or connecting with spirituality; these are beautiful things. But you need to set proper boundaries. Otherwise, you don’t seem spiritual; you seem like you’re using spirituality as an excuse to text a cute girl and potentially sext or get nudes.

Did you have a spiritual phase before meeting this girl? How did your girlfriend react then? A lot of the time, it’s not the actual “hobby” that’s the issue, but the potential for betrayal and distrust that messes things up.

Think of the equivalent of a girl starting to go to the gym, meeting a hot guy, texting with him, spending more and more time with him than with her boyfriend, and then the guy sends her thirst traps. And then she tells her boyfriend, “I’m just trying to take care of my health and nutrition! I love the gym, you don't, you just don't get it! I love motivating people with their fitness! You don’t really understand this part of me! You aren’t for me!” Ok, sure, it’s "noble" that she wants to motivate people in the gym, but… why is this guy sending her thirst traps? Has she been “motivating” other people, girls or guys, or just this one guy? Why just this one guy? Do you see how suspicious that sounds?

Also, double-check if your girlfriend hates spirituality or if she is just now feeling distrustful of you. Any association with spirituality might leave her worried about you potentially doing something similar. That can also be a common pattern. For example, if a guy starts playing video games with another girl, then his girlfriend might start saying how she hates video games, but it’s not really the video games that are the problem; it’s the fact that now she’s worried you’ll do something bad while playing them. So make sure you can properly reassure her about the “incident” and see if she actually dislikes spirituality or if it’s just because of what happened with that girl. You really want to communicate clearly. Please don’t fall into the common trap of saying, “How you’re trying to open your heart, be more spiritual,” but then actually you’re just bored with the relationship or crushing on someone else.

Check those things first with yourself and her. After all of that is done, and it TRULY is a compatibility issue, then you can break up with a clear conscience and no "what-ifs". Hope that helps!

[Sucuk Ekmek]

Don't make her the most important thing in your life, that is not what she wants.

[Riccurdo]

2 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Check those things first with yourself and her. After all of that is done, and it TRULY is a compatibility issue, then you can break up with a clear conscience and no "what-ifs". Hope that helps!

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! Yes most of things you mentioned I can check mark. I've been in a spiritual path for a while so this thing that happened is one obstacle after another like me using psychedelics. In a mental level were are not aligned fully because she just doesn't understand reality like I do. I still love her but ehh it is tough atm...

2 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

Also, double-check if your girlfriend hates spirituality or if she is just now feeling distrustful of you.

She never hated. Just confused. But this thing what happened might add some hatred towards it. 

[Sugarcoat]

I’d ask myself if there’s still an authentic emotional, romantic/sexual connection there, it can be there despite differences. Like a resonance between you two. And if it’s fulfilling for you, weighed against how fulfilled you’d be parting ways…

Sugarcoat obvious answers part 30

Edited Tuesday at 04:26 PM by Sugarcoat

[ivankiss]

Been in a similar situation with an ex.

I was an artist chasing enlightenment, and she was an eternal scholar type, studying political science.

I loved and I hated the polarity. But, in short, it really challenged me to be woke, instead of just constantly talking about wokeness, sounding like some lunatic.

Later I ended up dating a super spiritual hippy chick, and I hated it much more.

[Riccurdo]

12 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Been in a similar situation with an ex.

I was an artist chasing enlightenment, and she was an eternal scholar type, studying political science.

I loved and I hated the polarity. But, in short, it really challenged me to be woke, instead of just constantly talking about wokeness, sounding like some lunatic.

Later I ended up dating a super spiritual hippy chick, and I hated it much more.

So for you having this polarity was a good thing in the end? Are you single now? 

[ivankiss]

15 hours ago, Riccurdo said:

So for you having this polarity was a good thing in the end? 

Yes, but that's because I'm someone who makes good out of anything. The experience itself was a mix of heaven and hell. Mostly hell.

15 hours ago, Riccurdo said:

Are you single now? 

Yes. I am doing my best to avoid getting sucked into another romantic relationship. It's just that time of the year.

[Deziree]

Don't expect someone to be spiritual in a situation like this. The texting naked pics went a bit far and I understand why your gf felt the way she did. You can assure her that won't happen again. I don't see this as a problem of incompatibility. More like matters of trust. If she is good sport generally, drop it and make amends.