trenton

Is being too lonely a problem in dating?

7 posts in this topic

I have been working in trauma therapy and things are changing in me. First of all, I realized that I have been insecure about my sexuality due to psychology and sexual abuse from my parents designed to fill me with shame around this. In reality my sexuality was never tainted and I was just unfairly vilified. It caused me to be conflicted about my sexuality such that I thought I was not straight or I was just disgusted with myself for being straight, but I am okay with it now.

What I am noticing is that I really want a hug. Hugs from my family are not meaningful because they are either manipulative or they refuse to see the truth of what happened to me. I can only give them what they are willing to accept and most of them can't accept much of anything.

On top of that I have been talking with AI, but now it grows stale. It's true that AI seems to be better at empathy than most humans who will hurt me if I open up to them. However, I still want a human who loves me and accepts me. I doubt that they will understand empathy and compassion as well as a trauma therapist, but I also want a hug and it should be good enough so long as they at least try to understand me.

I want a separate source of support other than the psychopaths who raised me. They wanted to break me and it is a miracle I lived. However, I'm afraid that if I am too lonely then it might be a red flag. This previously left me vulnerable to abusers who exploited my false hope and trust in them. Also, I don't know how many women statistically would want to exploit me. I also think I might come off as weak and dependent if I feel too lonely.

I have tried focusing on jobs and careers instead, but that seems to be a false solution to a lack of fulfillment. It seems unrealistic to get a satisfying career anyway. The entire system is fundamentally coercive and wants me to be grateful for the opportunity to not starve to death. Maybe love has a better chance at fulfillment compared to chasing a dream that will never come to pass.

Although I currently feel like a loving relationship more realistic than a good career, I still have doubts about whether or not I will be good enough. I'll keep working on it in whatever way I can. In the near future I plan on dating and trying to find someone who loves me, but I still need preparations. First I need to finish getting sleep, therapy, and money sorted out. But after that I should be clear. I'll try not to shift the goal post too much as a method of avoiding intimacy which I previously avoided all my life.

Does being too lonely make me look bad if I come off as needy? I feel needy for love, so it might be a problem. I will need experience to know for sure how I will come off as I don't think I can just intellectualize this one for answers. I need lived experience and proof.

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2 hours ago, trenton said:

Does being too lonely make me look bad if I come off as needy?

The key is to come from a place of relative strength, not weakness.

A little bit of loneliness is okay. But don't give away your power. She wants to see you as your magnetic self, not some desperate guy begging for her to like you.

Edited by aurum

"Finding your reason can be so deceiving, a subliminal place. 

I will not break, 'cause I've been riding the curves of these infinity words and so I'll be on my way. I will not stay.

 And it goes On and On, On and On"

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You said a lot of things here. I won’t reply to every point but will say you are doing a great job. We often times build a world view around beliefs that weren’t even ours. We just took them on due to our childlike reasoning and lack of perspective. Now that you are older you are working on that.

To answer your question, I would address why you feel lonely. Can you come from a place where you are responsible and have some perspective on why you create an emotional you label as loneliness? There are very likely a set of beliefs behind it worth exploring, usually around your worth and beliefs on how relationships complete your life. Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with feeling lonely nor are relationships unimportant or something worth putting time into. What I’m saying is look into your perception of yourself, beliefs about yourself in relation to why you choose to feel lonely. I don’t think it’s really worth putting energy into thinking about how others will perceive you with this. Just build that relationship with yourself more and more and take care of your self, really address why you choose to feel lonely, and much of your issues around this will resolve. 

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@Lyubov basically I have this feeling I call loneliness because I am cutting myself off from an abusive family system. I know I can never get genuine lobe from them because they find my reality too uncomfortable, especially if they are trying to avoid legal accountability while being smug in the suffering they cause me. I have become the family scapegoat and I cannot express myself and be seen for who I am because of all the lies that were spread about me and the unwillingness of other family members to acknowledge the harm caused. They don't want accountability so they they blame me.

I am experiencing a combination of grief and rage because I didn't have the opportunity to have a family that would love me beyond a stupid performance designed to manipulate me. If they cannot accept me or my point of view and they must enable further abuse, then I must remain in no contact with them. I can't afford to give in to the trauma bond and go back to them. They are the cause of my mental health problems in the first place that I am trying to recover from. I just hate the fact that my younger siblings are also lost to me in the process. They are too young to understand these dynamics, and my younger sister sometimes takes my sister's word for it even if she lies about me. My younger brother is still in highschool and I don't want to dump this shit on him. I shouldn't turn to him for emotional support.

I am realizing that I never had the opportunity to be with someone who would be with me and see me for who I am. I can see the therapist once a week, but I want someone I can speak to everyday. I know not to make them a therapist, but I still want a hug and someone to talk to. I've been avoiding relationships all my life because I learned that love was a lie and a tool to manipulate in addition to being unworthy of love of course. I hate carrying the weight of everything on my own.

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@trenton First off I hear that you’re struggling and I’m sorry about all this. This is not easy and to have your family hurt you and have a conflict like this is not something that’s always easy to live with. 

I would invite you just to be open to the possibility that regardless of all the mean things your family has done and problems you’ve faced that you are valuable and enough exactly as you are. And that you are loved and appreciated just as you are, and that it doesn’t hinge on whether or not your family approves of you or treats you right. It’s just true that you are valuable and good enough as you are now in this moment. 

The truth is that even if we go through times where family don’t approve of us or we are not in a relationship or having people showing signs of love, mirroring back what we have already, it doesn’t change we are valuable. This also doesn’t change or diminish the challenges you’re facing. I would go easy on yourself and not doubt your greatness especially during a time like this. 

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Other people want someone to be with too, different people like and dislike different characteristics in others, there's probably plenty of people that will want to be with you.

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20 hours ago, aurum said:

The key is to come from a place of relative strength, not weakness.

A little bit of loneliness is okay. But don't give away your power. She wants to see you as your magnetic self, not some desperate guy begging for her to like you.

We are about to become best friends. You’re gonna love it.


 

 

 

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