Hojo Journal

[Hojo]

I will write about stuff I dont want to start a topic ideas I get or remember.

This one is about self conscious. I remember being like 3 or 4 years old, my dad used to do karaoke and one night he thought he would bring me on stage to sing with him. Only I remember being brought on stage and it was only me or it felt like it. And people were aweing at me and I remember it being way too much attention for me to handle. I remember feeling like me dissapeared and I was just a bunch of points of view of other people looking at me and I lost where I was as I didnt even know what was going on really. It scared me and I feel like I gained self consciousness too fast.

I remember reading about native americans and they said that they would keep their babies in the dark for a week or two after they are born to adjust as when you are a baby its the craziest time. In our society we beat the baby the second it gets out of the vagina to traumatize it asap. If you have a baby keep it in the dark its like waking up from an eternal dream. And slap the doctor if it hits your baby.

Edited October 3 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Yesterday I talked to my best friend after not talking to him for a year. I didnt hang out with him because I stopped asking to hang out. When I did that we stopped hanging out.

He ask me to play games by saying hey goober(insult, we never insult eachother via names like this). Then we play and he says that we didnt talk cause I never asked to play games to him. Since there is no way to determine because we both didnt reach out either could be true. But then he started saying other things that make me think its not true. He said I was getting too drunk and too fast and then he would be stuck alone.

His original intention was that I wasnt reaching out and my original intention was the same, however I have 0 other reasons for not doing it where he went on to point out things that are problems with me. I would do these things and its true but I know he had an ultierior motive or was not doing it on purpose. He said he purposefully asked my other friend to ask me how I am doing or something instead of just asking me.

If I wanted to ask him I would just ask him as I wasnt ignoring him I was just not reaching out to hang out, I actually lost the ability to care about asking people these questions as I dont care, (most men are like this) thats why we play games together and dont actually sit there and talk like women, (rarely text). We go out and drink or play sports or pick up women we dont have the same time woman do just sitting there talking about life except when we are drinking.

Everytime we would hang out he would end up talking about how weird I am around other people when I am drunk (I will start talking about God sometimes, sometimes I start singing really loud it dosent happen alot but sometimes I did) So I stopped drinking. Now I dont care as much about acting like a retard and this man is drinking all the time and when we hang out I dont speak or yell as much. We used to have fun getting retarded but since he insults me about the way I act in front of other people when I am drunk I just wont be and he is an alcoholic. This is my ultierior motive for not reaching out. My ulterior motive is completely neutral and his was malicious against me. Not only was it malicious, him, using me not reaching out to him as another attack on me, its calculated gaslighting, as he admitted I was being weird thats why he didnt talk to me.

I dont care about how other people see me. I never did until I was being myself too many times and people telling me I am weird so many times I change. Now I change back.

Edited October 4 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Beautiful song

Bastard of the cross relentlessly
Strike fear preaching of his coming here
Scriptures, twisted words to provocate
Rapture from the lord your god so great

BASTARDS OF CHRIST - DIE!!!!

He fucked himself to save you - put to death, masochist
For this his word berate truth - agonized, prophecized
Revive the book of fiction - blasphemy, gluttony, to deceive you and me
In battled disposition - hang the bitch on the cross
Entitle his convictions - blasphemous, lunatic
your heart is full of hatred - BASTARDS DIE,
FUCK YOUR CHRIST, WILL SURVIVE,
KILL YOURSELF........DIE!!!!!!!!!!

Bastard, for your god you compromise
Do without, search the truth you'll never find
Scriptures offer little to relate
Laughter from the lord into your face

BASTARDS OF CHRIST - DIE!!!!

You think your god will save who - I will see, just believe
You fool, not true, no thank you - enemy of the cross
His word installs deception - pray to god, not for me,
for yourself, soon you'll see
You'll die for your religion - holy shit, pacifist
Untrue with choices given - nothing won, you are dead
Describe the holy vision - BLACKING OUT, FINAL BREATH, MEET WITH DEATH,
NOTHINGNESS, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited October 13 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Gaining consciousness at 5-9

I hear alot of people on the internet talk about gaining consciousness or self awareness around this time. Like when memories begin to hold and the self identity becomes stronger. I beleive this is a trauma mechanism, its not gaining consciousness. The fear of death arises and then the logic creates a separate identity that is now scared of the fear of death. Now you must move around in the world, now you are separate, now you must survive.

[Hojo]

When you pretend to love another person all you are doing is assigning them qualities of yourself and loving those qualities. Even when we think we are loving someone we are just loving ourselves. Nothing about the other person that you feel is coming from them its all self created and is coming from your own body.In the same way when you touch them you arent feeling them you are feeling pressure of your own sensors being powered by itself.

Edited October 19 by Hojo

[Hojo]

When getting to know someone I notice instead of a normal person, talking about things that we have in common and building a friendly ground I analyze data of what is being said and look for conflicting data. I will ask for original data but my primary view in a conversation is to find contradictions and point them out. People dont like this as it is seen as being nitpicky or annoying or pedantic but this is how I know people. The person is not the opinion it is the contradiction in the opinions. People getting annoyed is ego.

Edited October 19 by Hojo

[Hojo]

My disdain for authority. I have always had a disdain for people telling me what to do. In school I was suspended 15 times for not listening to authority figures. I had 1000 detentions and fought people constantly.

When I went to art class and they wanted me to make a comic I made a comic about an imaginary penguin in my head telling me to kill my classmates.

When I had to do art projects I made an art project about my teacher being launched into space and dying a horrible death. When I had to do a presentation I took the paper up and pulled on it so hard I ripped the paper in half mid presentation.

When I was in drama I made a drama about a zombie coming into the class room and we killed it and put it in the toilet and all became retards.

When I was in cooking class I bought slurpees with the money for food and bought an orange peel with the change ate the orange and cooked the orange peels for my project.

I showed up to english class with nothing but a highlighter and a Popsicle.

Everything about school pisses me off even to this day.

A weird paradox is that when there is no one telling me what to do I dont do anything and I hate people telling me what to do, so I dont do anything.

A reason I got along with my father more than my mother is my father never cared about me so he never told me what to do. I lived with him for a bit and he let me do whatever I wanted and it was the most fun I have ever had in my life. the only thing my father cared about was getting drunk and playing video games.

I was never taught structure and or never accepted structure and dont know how to do it.

Edited October 27 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Today I had a nap and I dream of my opinion of Palestine and Isreal. I was walking down a train tack the representation of the split between nations. Jews and Palestine were walking down the tracks attacking eachother very sensitive and getting angry.

I got tired of the whining and I started antagonizing them both to fight eachother. I tell one that the other said something derogatory about their mothers and they got so offended I laughed very hard. And then I did it to the other in reverse and they got offended and I laughed very hard. My soul tells me my opinion its a big joke to make you angry. It was so funny to me that I could just make up shit about their mothers and they would get so offended like they wanted to be mad at eachother and there was nothing to do but stoke the fire.

I saw there was nothing else to do because they were both so stupid and childish. I was crying laughing in my dream I don't know why it was so funny but the representations of them were so stupid it felt like I was grabbing one sides finger and poking the other side, both knew I was doing it but freaking out on the other one cause they wanted too do it.

They didn't like eachother, even tho I was the one antagonizing them, and they knew I was, they started fighting eachother. And that was funny to me.

Edited November 2 by Hojo

[Hojo]

God I need a new car. Preferably something like this but anything will do.

This is me with my new car praise God.

Edited November 4 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Last night I have a dream I have never experienced before. I was in my house and I went to my roof, on my roof there was a lookout and there was a asian man up there and he was doing drugs and selling drugs, there were other asians too and they were really high and laughing and they were funny. The man had pre prepared vials of liquid that looked like water sitting out, he said they were drugs and that I should take some but warned me not to take too much or I would freeze  in time and get stuck shaking or get stuck in the wall. I grabbed 3 vials but dropped 2 of them, they didnt have lids and were leaking on the ground I picked them up and my fingers got wet from them. I licked my fingers and brought them in the house, then went outside. Suddenly the scenery changed and I start tripping out in my dream. The colours of everything became so beautiful, the trees turned orange and there were big flowers on them the flowers were beautiful colours and I couldnt beleive what I was seeing. I went back to my house and I had a dog and the dog was blue and it was talking and it said watch this and jumped really high in the air. It was very cool to see and I was really happy. Then I went in my house and my step dad and mother were in there and they killed my buzz by talking about  some bullshit I didnt care about. I grabbed a vial and dipped my finger in it and licked it again and I started tripping out again I went to the roof again and everything was very beautiful again.

It was a strange dream because I have never experienced noticing the backgrounds change like I did in that dream. It felt like the dream was having a cause and effect that I have never experienced before. I was so happy I almost started crying in the dream.

I think my higher self is telling me to take LSD.

Edited November 10 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Last night i have a dream it started as a nightmare. There was a demon in my house and it was coming to scare me. I remebered in the dream that I had this dream before with this demon as a child. When I became concious of this I started to say Shiva a bunch of time and I was chasing the demon threatning to rape it and it lost all power of fear over me. I chased it into my basement and cornered it and it dissapeared.

Then I went grocery shopping and the demon went into my mother and she became very angry.

Something happens in dream when we are children and we get scared and get stuck in fear.

Edited November 11 by Hojo

[Hojo]

I have a strange dream during a nap.

I was in my house sleeping I closed my eyes and I saw the moon like a cartoon moon. I looked closer and it turned hyper realistic and I was pulled to it very quickly. I felt a very strong buzzing coming from the moon it was shaking my whole being. I got very close to it and it was buzzing super hard and fast. Then I wake up in my dream and I went to work I worked with the same people I do now and oneof them was telling them about a dream God told them to sit there and not do anything, then they told me they bought a house and then bought another one from under the nose of one of the co workers. I asked why you are buying houses when God told you to do nothing, one was fine but why 2 out from under a co worker and they couldnt answer. Then I went outside and there was a stadium of players doing something I went around the stadium and was looking for some spare change to buy a slurpee. I came back to my house which was now like a dorm room attached to the stadium and my old friend was there and I was showing him around he became irate and drunk and started fighting people. I tell him to calm down and then I went to bed again and I was dreaming about the moon again. I was very close this time and it was buzzing really really hard. I got pulled onto the surface and I was alone it was misty and alone. It felt like being thrown into the forest alone, scary, but it felt like a room full of people partying but I couldnt see them. It was buzzing with energy like a concert full of sweaty people dancing but I wasnt tuned to the vibration to see them I could feel it. I could hear music this song when I was on the moon.

It's not just what you say
Or how you've come so far
The words that you repeat
When time tears us apart

That smug look on your face
When you have something to hide
Or at least that's what I think
Maybe I'm out of touch
You tell me if I'm wrong
But you know I'm right

Spit fire
Spit blood
Spit fast
I'm heated
I'm sure this won't linger
Longer than it has to

Get out of my way
Steadfast
I'm Fiending
I'm a certain kind of way
A certain kind of way, tonight

I know it can't be in my head
It must be one of you who keep pulling me aside
To chit chat about me, who I am, what the deal is with
Who I was once

Then I woke up irl and I bought a slurpee.

Something is happening to the moon right now. Its gearing up for a party.

Edited Saturday at 02:53 AM by Hojo