Hojo Journal

[Hojo]

I will write about stuff I dont want to start a topic ideas I get or remember.

This one is about self conscious. I remember being like 3 or 4 years old, my dad used to do karaoke and one night he thought he would bring me on stage to sing with him. Only I remember being brought on stage and it was only me or it felt like it. And people were aweing at me and I remember it being way too much attention for me to handle. I remember feeling like me dissapeared and I was just a bunch of points of view of other people looking at me and I lost where I was as I didnt even know what was going on really. It scared me and I feel like I gained self consciousness too fast.

I remember reading about native americans and they said that they would keep their babies in the dark for a week or two after they are born to adjust as when you are a baby its the craziest time. In our society we beat the baby the second it gets out of the vagina to traumatize it asap. If you have a baby keep it in the dark its like waking up from an eternal dream. And slap the doctor if it hits your baby.

Edited October 3 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Yesterday I talked to my best friend after not talking to him for a year. I didnt hang out with him because I stopped asking to hang out. When I did that we stopped hanging out.

He ask me to play games by saying hey goober(insult, we never insult eachother via names like this). Then we play and he says that we didnt talk cause I never asked to play games to him. Since there is no way to determine because we both didnt reach out either could be true. But then he started saying other things that make me think its not true. He said I was getting too drunk and too fast and then he would be stuck alone.

His original intention was that I wasnt reaching out and my original intention was the same, however I have 0 other reasons for not doing it where he went on to point out things that are problems with me. I would do these things and its true but I know he had an ultierior motive or was not doing it on purpose. He said he purposefully asked my other friend to ask me how I am doing or something instead of just asking me.

If I wanted to ask him I would just ask him as I wasnt ignoring him I was just not reaching out to hang out, I actually lost the ability to care about asking people these questions as I dont care, (most men are like this) thats why we play games together and dont actually sit there and talk like women, (rarely text). We go out and drink or play sports or pick up women we dont have the same time woman do just sitting there talking about life except when we are drinking.

Everytime we would hang out he would end up talking about how weird I am around other people when I am drunk (I will start talking about God sometimes, sometimes I start singing really loud it dosent happen alot but sometimes I did) So I stopped drinking. Now I dont care as much about acting like a retard and this man is drinking all the time and when we hang out I dont speak or yell as much. We used to have fun getting retarded but since he insults me about the way I act in front of other people when I am drunk I just wont be and he is an alcoholic. This is my ultierior motive for not reaching out. My ulterior motive is completely neutral and his was malicious against me. Not only was it malicious, him, using me not reaching out to him as another attack on me, its calculated gaslighting, as he admitted I was being weird thats why he didnt talk to me.

I dont care about how other people see me. I never did until I was being myself too many times and people telling me I am weird so many times I change. Now I change back.

Edited October 4 by Hojo

[Hojo]

Beautiful song

Bastard of the cross relentlessly
Strike fear preaching of his coming here
Scriptures, twisted words to provocate
Rapture from the lord your god so great

BASTARDS OF CHRIST - DIE!!!!

He fucked himself to save you - put to death, masochist
For this his word berate truth - agonized, prophecized
Revive the book of fiction - blasphemy, gluttony, to deceive you and me
In battled disposition - hang the bitch on the cross
Entitle his convictions - blasphemous, lunatic
your heart is full of hatred - BASTARDS DIE,
FUCK YOUR CHRIST, WILL SURVIVE,
KILL YOURSELF........DIE!!!!!!!!!!

Bastard, for your god you compromise
Do without, search the truth you'll never find
Scriptures offer little to relate
Laughter from the lord into your face

BASTARDS OF CHRIST - DIE!!!!

You think your god will save who - I will see, just believe
You fool, not true, no thank you - enemy of the cross
His word installs deception - pray to god, not for me,
for yourself, soon you'll see
You'll die for your religion - holy shit, pacifist
Untrue with choices given - nothing won, you are dead
Describe the holy vision - BLACKING OUT, FINAL BREATH, MEET WITH DEATH,
NOTHINGNESS, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited 4 hours ago by Hojo