How to navigate girlfriend's ultimatum: "it's me or the drugs"

[FelixP]

I've been with this girl for almost 3 years. We had an awesome time last year converting a van to a campervan and travelling around Australia for 5 months together.

We are close with each other's family and live together with mine. We often talk about getting a sapphire we found on our trip cut into an engagement ring, getting married and starting a family.

Although she is a few years younger she's always seemed very wise for her age. She's kind, considerate and has some great values. She has a celebrity-like smile and is very beautiful.

When we started dating I was very clear about my drug use - psychedelics a handful of times a year and occasional use of edible cannabis. Although she has a very "innocent" group of friends and family with quite conservative values this didn't seem to be an issue for her initially.

She says now however that she was uncomfortable with it entirely from the start of our relationship and the only reason she tried these substance was because she loved me. She had what seemed like some pretty profound experiences on them while we were travelling but now only seems to remember the negatives.

I get the sense that recent uncertainty in my career (last month or so looking to switch jobs) plus maybe other stressors/breakdown in communication is being scapegoated as due to the drugs (of which the frequency of my use hasn't changed since we started dating) and that she may be caught in an echo chamber of closed-minded family and friends she confides in.

She says she feels that poor communication, dishonesty and disconnection in the relationship and also in my other relationships (i.e. to my family and society) is directly related to the drugs and that if I see a future with her at all I need to not use them. I tried compromising with frequency saying I could give up cannabis and only use psychedelics once a year very intentionally but she is unexpectedly drawing a hard line.

I'm really struggling to navigate this one and unsure if I want to pledge my indefinite sobriety. I could easily see myself not using anything for a year but it's the ultimatum which is so difficult. She seems to be caught up in the thought of "it's me or the drugs" and comparing my love for drugs to my love for her.

Your thoughts, feelings and advice are welcome and most appreciated.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I am sorry to hear this tale - it sounds like she wasn't as mature previously and now has grown since. Bad boundaries mean we are not always as honest as we should be in the pursuit and prioritization of harmony. Which is really a fear of loss and an attachment 'If I tell the truth I do not like this, and won't allow it, how will I be perceived? Will I be rejected? I do not want to have negativity' etc.

When we grow in maturity we understand the negative is just as needed as the positive when striving for a good outcome.

It is ultimately coming down to:

Do you pursue further self exploration through substances, or do you pursue further self exploration in romantic contrast with another? Seek clarity around your values.

Young people really dislike this but - nothing lasts. 

What do you think you will regret with each choice? Her, or experiences with substances? 

I personally do not recommend compromising your integrity by lying and hiding this from her - this is the exact opposite of what you want to achieve in a mature romantic partnership. You want union, not division. And lies only serve to rend the connection.

 

Edited September 22 by Natasha Tori Maru

[FelixP]

Thank you Natasha for your considerate response. I found your understanding of my girlfriend's journey with boudary-setting in the relationship quite touching and insightful.

Reflecting on your questions I think there would be perhaps more regret in ending the relationship than staying sober and I agree that I wouldn't want to compromise on integrity if I were to take that path.

I guess I'm just wondering whether I would still have the tools to live life at the level of consciousness I would like without the occasional psychedelic experience to guide me.

[BlessedLion]

3 hours ago, FelixP said:

I've been with this girl for almost 3 years. We had an awesome time last year converting a van to a campervan and travelling around Australia for 5 months together.

We are close with each other's family and live together with mine. We often talk about getting a sapphire we found on our trip cut into an engagement ring, getting married and starting a family.

Although she is a few years younger she's always seemed very wise for her age. She's kind, considerate and has some great values. She has a celebrity-like smile and is very beautiful.

When we started dating I was very clear about my drug use - psychedelics a handful of times a year and occasional use of edible cannabis. Although she has a very "innocent" group of friends and family with quite conservative values this didn't seem to be an issue for her initially.

She says now however that she was uncomfortable with it entirely from the start of our relationship and the only reason she tried these substance was because she loved me. She had what seemed like some pretty profound experiences on them while we were travelling but now only seems to remember the negatives.

I get the sense that recent uncertainty in my career (last month or so looking to switch jobs) plus maybe other stressors/breakdown in communication is being scapegoated as due to the drugs (of which the frequency of my use hasn't changed since we started dating) and that she may be caught in an echo chamber of closed-minded family and friends she confides in.

She says she feels that poor communication, dishonesty and disconnection in the relationship and also in my other relationships (i.e. to my family and society) is directly related to the drugs and that if I see a future with her at all I need to not use them. I tried compromising with frequency saying I could give up cannabis and only use psychedelics once a year very intentionally but she is unexpectedly drawing a hard line.

I'm really struggling to navigate this one and unsure if I want to pledge my indefinite sobriety. I could easily see myself not using anything for a year but it's the ultimatum which is so difficult. She seems to be caught up in the thought of "it's me or the drugs" and comparing my love for drugs to my love for her.

Your thoughts, feelings and advice are welcome and most appreciated.

That's tough, I think any time our autonomy is challenged like that ("you can't do this thing or i'll leave you) it's almost more confronting and challenging than dropping the actual thing itself. 

 

However, it's worth questioning if the drug use is actually worth losing her. Does she demand other things about you change or is this it? It's hard to find someone you vibe with and sometimes relationships do require compromise, especially if she is genuinely uncomfortable with it. 

 

Also consider that maybe there is wisdom in her request, why do you need psychedelics and weed? What are they giving you that you can't find within through solitude, meditation, yoga, reading, etc? It's not like she is degrading you for not making enough money or something trivial like that, psychedelics and drugs can ruin your mind and life and it sounds like she is wanting to protect you and it is coming from love.

 

If this is a woman you are considering starting a family with and truly love her, it could be worth it for her, also you may end up thanking her for this years down the line. Drugs aren't that important mate. 

 

But ultimately this is up to, you gotta decide on this.

[LordFall]

I'm so confused, why is it appropriate for a partner to dictate your drug use if it doesn't impact your daily functioning? 

If you're failing at your job due to being a stoner that's one thing and then I'd agree with her drawing boundaries on you, if that was me and my life was going well though I wouldn't be willing to compromise. 

[FelixP]

Thank you for asking some great questions BlessedLion. You are so right about the challenge to autonomy being more confronting than the actual thing itself. And thank you for your alternate perspective LordFall. I don't often post on forums but I'm certainly feeling the support here.

The drug use is by far the main thing she is demanding change on. I can't say she isn't wanting me to work on other stuff too but this is certainly an outlier. I can see there is some wisdom there for sure and would be a good opportunity to become more equipped with those other tools that were mentioned.

It really is the importance of these substances for spiritual and personal growth I am questioning at the moment. I'm grateful to hear people's views on this so thank you again for the responses.

Edited September 22 by FelixP