Breakthroughs after years in the dark?

[jdd243]

Hey gang, I’m looking for some insight on some recent happenings.

 In the early 2010’s I started looking for an out for my depression and suffering, at the time I found Leo’s content on meditation, and for many years I listened to his videos, read many books and took an interest in metaphysics, spirituality and personal development. Fast forward to 2018 I started my first real mediation practice (Neti-Neti/No mind) where I sat 5 minutes daily and added a minute a week until I reached an hour a day (along with reading), I continued the practice into the summer of 2021.

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday, and I was meditating on my porch when a breakthrough happened, an experience of oneness and love, it stayed with me for what seemed like a very long time before “I” was back on my porch feeling overwhelmed.

After that experience I couldn’t meditate effectively no matter what I did and dropped my practice after years of work, I found myself trying to distract myself in all sorts of ways. Almost subconsciously keeping myself from returning to inquiring into the nature of reality.

My life fell apart for a few years, but I was eventually able to put all the pieces back together. In that time, I fixed or moved on from my unreliable relationships, paid off my debts, quit smoking, lost 100 pounds and found a loving partner that shares my current values and wants to grow, etc... But even with all the good there was an uncomfortable tension building again like back at the start of this whole personal development journey in 2014.

A week ago, I was listing to a Diary of a CEO podcast where the guest talked very briefly about self-inquiry and how it can derail you for many years after making progress. After hearing this it almost lifted a fog and the tension was gone, I sat in wonder of what is aware in this moment, and boom, I was here. Ever since then I’ve been able to be present unlike I’ve been able to before, like in my most successful meditation sessions. I still return to my fears and expectations but going back to being present has been simple as slipping into a set of cozy slippers.

I’m hoping someone has been through this or has insight about what happened, id like to understand what’s going on and any resource recommendations are welcome, thanks!

 

[Sugarcoat]

Instead of feeling a ~need~ to understand this you could accept not knowing and yet approach it with curiosity. It’s like: you don’t NEED to figure things out but you’re curious naturally. It’s a more relaxed state of doing contemplation from. It’s where I feel I am

Sorry if what I said doesn’t apply to you. What I kinda mean is that the mind creates this massive complex story about one’s life, and it seems damn there’s so much stuff going on, so much to figure out, but in actuality there’s not a need for that. It’s possible to live with more presence than that in the midst of the turmoil of the mind 

Also spiritual work can be disorienting because the self and the mind is not inherently this super stable structure so your paradigm is bound to break a little or even collapse sooner or later when you start questioning things and doing things that rewire brain like meditation. But trust in that when the old identity, paradigm dies away, something new and perhaps deeper and more exciting might await….thats how it was for me usually 

 

Edited Tuesday at 05:15 PM by Sugarcoat

[jdd243]

Thanks for the thoughts, curiosity/wonder without expectation is a way to describe part of the shift i've experienced. Could be that an answer to how or why isn't nessesary for being, and gets in the way of the present moment.

[James123]

15 hours ago, jdd243 said:

A week ago, I was listing to a Diary of a CEO podcast where the guest talked very briefly about self-inquiry and how it can derail you for many years after making progress. After hearing this it almost lifted a fog and the tension was gone, I sat in wonder of what is aware in this moment, and boom, I was here. Ever since then I’ve been able to be present unlike I’ve been able to before, like in my most successful meditation sessions. I still return to my fears and expectations but going back to being present has been simple as slipping into a set of cozy slippers.

This is amazing. Why don't you keep doing?

Moreover, instead of doing meditation in a certain moment, you can do while drive, work, eat, etc... That's how it will turn out to be ordinary activity for "you".

[jdd243]

Thanks @James123, Seems like the thing to do. 

Quote

Before; Chop wood, carry water. After; Chop wood, carry water.

 

Edited Wednesday at 09:45 PM by jdd243

[Breakingthewall]

On 22/7/2025 at 4:31 PM, jdd243 said:

After hearing this it almost lifted a fog and the tension was gone, I sat in wonder of what is aware in this moment, and boom, I was here. Ever since then I’ve been able to be present unlike I’ve been able to before, like in my most successful meditation sessions. I still return to my fears and expectations but going back to being present has been simple as slipping into a set of cozy slippers.

That's a step. Your story shows that you're a serious guy, that you're on a serious path. Little by little, your reality and the reality around you become equalized and cleansed. It's a rapid process once it begins. Things become more fluid. Then you begin to perceive the real openness, the energy of reality, its vitality. It's no longer an effort to be here and now, but an impulse to blend, to be one with reality, to dissolve. Open your heart and your mind and merge with reality without reservation. Then you see that reality is you. A shift has occurred. You're no longer looking at reality; you are it. And you have no limits. Then you can open yourself more and more to yourself , until in some moments you are totally open and then you are the totality that lives.