meta_male

Rewilding

15 posts in this topic

This is where I’ll put my raw thoughts. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been through a lot and it's shaped me in ways I’m still figuring out. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I've pulled this off and still joke around. This journal is where it has a place, so I don’t keep bringing it up everywhere else.

I don’t know what comes next, but I’m starting here.

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Rewilding isn’t just about getting back to nature.

It’s about shedding the layers I built around myself to survive. Layers formed from a childhood in an environment that castrated me from the start. It came in the form of the gospel, a message twisted in ways I couldn’t understand back then.

When I was eight, three strangers from the Netherlands showed up at our apartment. People I or my parents had never met before. They brought messages like, "Be baptised and speak in tongues! The truth will set you free." I didn’t understand it. I was told I had to repent for my sinful life. Cause God was angry. At nine years old I was praying like this: “Shalalabaladabadabadadaaaa.” Twice a day for fifteen minutes. Or I’d burn in hell when Jesus returned.

That wasn’t enough, though. Later, I learned I had to spread the gospel to all my friends. It felt off, and I was terrified. Approaching them with that message seemed impossible. And yet, speaking in tongues and preaching would later become the clue to my way out.

Rewilding is about putting the boy who walked around town in a shirt and tie, holding a bible, back where he belonged all along.

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This path sounds poetic, but living it isn’t. I still catch myself censoring the fire, doubting the silence, and wondering why connection feels like a foreign language. I crave it, but there’s something in me that keeps defaulting to the lone wolf life. Like exile isn't punishment anymore – it's my home.

"You've got such a powerful story!"

"I'm here if you ever need to talk."

"I could never go through what you have. I really admire your strength!"

"Keep being you."

Right, thanks girls and boys! Praise is cheap. The hard part is sticking around when it matters. People care more about showing up for Christmas with relatives they resent than standing by someone they once called strong.

The wild claimed me long ago, and now I can’t walk among the tame without mocking them.

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Heatwave Sunday. Service held at my own damn church. 🛠️

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Two weeks later.

I finally trusted the tires enough to hit the trails that made me stall six years ago… crashed and fucked up my shoulder. Same one took another hit this time. Bent the bike in the process. Still, progress is progress. This is called Enduro for a reason. 💀

On to a rave with the girl I blew off last year. Let myself get completely lost in it, brain cooking. Now my head won’t shut up, and everything feels like it needs fixing.

Time for repairs.

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Went out with a group of girls on Friday. Two of them were single. Six of them wanted my attention.

The more I meet women, the more I’m disgusted by them, which I find kinda hard to admit. Same empty games. Same hollow flirting. Same need to feel wanted... not that I didn't like it or am above it.

I'm not sure if I'm seeing the ugly truth or I'm just having a bad day.

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1 hour ago, meta_male said:

Same empty games. Same hollow flirting. Same need

What do you mean


Nothing will prevent Willy.

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@Schizophonia They flirt because they like the attention, not because they actually want anything with me. And even if they do get attracted, it doesn’t feel worth escalating. It doesn’t feel grounded in anything real.

But then again, I’m not even sure I want to go after another relationship. Just complaining. 😅

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46 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Schizophonia They flirt because they like the attention, not because they actually want anything with me. And even if they do get attracted, it doesn’t feel worth escalating. It doesn’t feel grounded in anything real.

I see 

Quote

But then again, I’m not even sure I want to go after another relationship.

Why if you don’t mind

Quote


Just complaining. 😅

 Eheh

Edited by Schizophonia

Nothing will prevent Willy.

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1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Why if you don’t mind

Cause part of me wants intimacy, and part of me doesn’t even know why I don’t want it. Right now I just feel more drawn to focusing on my own stuff.

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2 minutes ago, meta_male said:

Cause part of me wants intimacy, and part of me doesn’t even know why I don’t want it. Right now I just feel more drawn to focusing on my own stuff.

ok 👍


Nothing will prevent Willy.

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On 2025-06-25 at 7:45 PM, meta_male said:

I’ve been through a lot and it's shaped me in ways I’m still figuring out.

I’m always in awe of people who have persevered through adversity so kudos to you🙏🏻

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I'm fucking tired of holding myself back from online dating. What on earth even possessed me to go down that route? Why the fuck does it always have to be the high road for me? To wait for something "real"? To prove to myself I'm "above the game"? I could be dating and sleeping with girls, but instead I force myself to starve... and then complain about it online.

Sometimes I think I’m punishing myself on purpose. I don’t even know what for. The idea of some God watching and judging is still imprinted in my brain. They don’t need chains when they’ve carved obedience into your spine.

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Writing my thoughts down helps me seeing the bigger picture later. I'm still run by panic when silence hits, even brief moments. My mind spirals. And yet, I don't panic in situations that should literally wreck me. No idea why, but anyways...

 

Challenge 1: Deal with laying the bike down again after a crash only a few days ago.

Instinct: Stand up. Kill switch. Lift 200 kg. Assess damage. Ride on.

Mind: Nice sunset.

Body: Feels good. Got laid (technically).

 

Challenge 2: Go half a day without female validation.

Instinct: Freeze. Victim mode online.

Mind: What in the fuck just happened? Abort mission. We're gonna die.

Body: Tense. Balls turning blue just by looking at them.

 

Next challenge: Reframe the tension.

From What the fuck is wrong with women? to What I want is rare and I won't settle.

From She better step up or she's dead to me. to She's not it. Keep going.

From Fuck it, I'm done. Probably gotta start fucking prostitutes. to Yeah, I'm horny and tired. But I won't betray my values.

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